A Really Aggressive Marshmallow

11/09/2014 · 1 comment

in Balancing Act, Noa Gavin

LOFB - NoaI think I’m hard as fuck.

I wear a lot of black. Mostly all black. I have knee-high combat boots and lots of things with spikes on them. I learned how to fight, and for a long time, that was my whole job. My everyday language is mostly cursing. I don’t mind walking around at night alone.

Today, I cried when my cat put his paws on my chest and put his nose on mine. If someone offered me a chance to be a princess, I’d do it in a heartbeat. I got scared the other day because I kept hearing something in my room at night and turns out it was my breathing.

I am a tiny, black-and-spike clad marshmallow.

I’m a fucking mess 100% of the time.

It’s really easy to divide yourself down hard lines. I am ________. I am never ________. I feel _______  about _______ always. I never do _________.

That sucks, because the world isn’t like that. Nothing is black and white. Nothing is so easily divided right down the middle into this and that. If we do that to ourselves, we’re fucking ourselves out of potential growth, and love, and experiences.

It comes down to listening to your gut, listening to what your inner voice (or goddess, if you like motherfucking 50 Shades in which case STOP READING WHY ARE YOU HERE) has to say to you. I may be dressed like I’m about to fight a bitch in a back alley, but if I see a really cute dog, I will lay on the ground and let him lick my face. I see myself as fearless, but I will readily admit when I am afraid because it is the lack of acknowledgement that makes you fearful, unable to push forward.

Damn that voice that divides you.

Damn those people who divide you.

Do you. Whatever that means. Be a knitting cage-fighter. Be a stay-at-home mom who shoots guns on the weekends. Be a punk-rocker who just fucking loves making lace so much.

Damn what society says.

Do you.

Josh November 10, 2014 at 12:11 am

I just turned 40 and, as if I weren’t already neurotic enough, I’ve chosen this year of my life to finally and honestly ask myself: who am I?

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