The Roots

10/28/2014

in Facing Darkness, Noa Gavin

LOFB - NoaWe’re wrapping up this month’s theme of ‘Facing Darkness,’ and goddamn am I grateful for that.

I’m tired of the darkness. I’m tired of the weight of it all, tired of being tired of being so goddamn tired.

When I get this way, all listless and tired and weird and shaky, I have to kind of punch my brain in its stupid face and get it back into shape.

I have to get to the root of the problem.

Lately, the root of the problem is boredom.

I’m really Type A. I’m always working. I got really talented at doing nails because I can’t even watch TV while sitting still. I have to be doing something, being productive all the time always OR ELSE I WILL EXPLODE. I have to get stuff done. It doesn’t matter if it’s big or small, productivity is the only way I can live my life.

Buuuuuut lately, I haven’t been productive. I’ve been sleeping a lot, not sleeping a lot, sitting around and feeling bad for myself and the stresses I have in my life. As a result, I’ve been pretty destructive. I start over-helping other people. I start picking at my nails. I start eating poorly, because at least eating is doing something. I drink too much.

Not good. Not great.

Terribly, terribly unhealthy. It’s irritating for me, it’s really irritating for other people.

Today on the couch, I was feeling really sorry for myself and why I felt so bad and out of control. It dawned on me, “Goddamnit Noa, you feel out of control because you’re not doing anything. Fucking do something. You’ll feel better.”

So I’ve been a monster of productivity since that very moment. Albeit, it’s still on the couch in leggings and really comfy shirt, but it’s productive. I feel better. I feel more in control. I feel happier, more whole.

Fuckin’ miracle.

When you’re tired of being tired of being tired, think about what’s really getting you down. Are you tired, or is it something else? What are you really feeling? Where is the root of that?

Then, fix it. Do your damnedest, even if it’s on the couch in PJ’s, just do your damnedest. You’ll feel better. I promise.

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