Fuck It, I’m In


in Dawn Smith, Fuck It

Dawn LOFB BadgeThere have been bright, beautiful moments in my life.  Moments that explode with energy, moments that make it feel like life is bursting through every cell of my body.  They are full-on, Technicolor moments, beyond anything in Oz, that blind me in comparison to the colors of most days.  These moments are precious, and they’re far from ubiquitous.
The specific moments I’m thinking of happen most often when, with heart-racing clarity, I realize I have to take a chance and dive head-first into something, usually something I’ve been tentatively considering, flirting with mentally.  Suddenly, it becomes clear that this thing, this thing I’ve been avoiding or holding back from out of fear, this thing must be conquered, or dealt with, or done, and done in a fuck it, balls-to-the-wall, 100% committed way.  That diving in opens up a whole new world and drives me to learn, reach, fail, grow, become, fight, and, eventually, soar.
I’ve been through periods in my life when I didn’t feel that.  I just went about my business, living life (living a good life, I think) but with muted shades, in perpetual dusk.  I didn’t even realize that feeling was absent, until something crept up on me and presented itself, as it so often does:
Me.  I’m the thing you need next.  I’m the thing.  Pay attention to me.
Dance did that for me when I was I child.  It happened when I learned to sing.  It happened with improv.  Oh, boy, has it happened with improv.  But it’s not just the immediate, strobe-light, “oh fuck, what the hell am I doing?!” feeling that I adore so much.  It’s also the subtle brightening that’s only visible when I look back over time.  It’s as if the contrast on my whole life is turned up by these experiences, like seeing a slow-motion sunrise.  It’s life as it’s meant to be, all in and full on.
My hope is that everyone experiences these moments.  Yours may come from deciding to go back to school and all the trials and victories that entails, or from the moments of joy that come from watching your child grow, or from learning to scuba dive.  It may be as simple as working up the courage to make a new friend.  Whatever your thing is, grab it by the balls, take a deep breath, and declare to the world “FUCK IT, I’M IN!”.

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