F**kin Bitch Friday: Ching Shih

05/15/2014 · 4 comments

in Fuckin' Bitch Friday, What You Didn't Know You Needed

Let me tell you a thing:

Hard lives come to a lot of us. A whole goddamn lot. The people that have easy lives are in the teeniest tiniest minority. It’s just not that common.

What is common is whining about your life and becoming a victim to your own existence. Don’t do that shit.

BE CHING SHIH.

badass-chingshih

Ching Shih was a prostitute in her early life, and that blows. Not a lot of people come by prostitution by good means, you know? Then what happened to her, OH MAN, she was captured by PIRATES.

OH SHIT.

HOW HARD FOR HER RIGHT?

Yeah well, she married the motherfucking captain of the fleet, the goddamn chief pirate.

THEN HE DIED.

OH NO. FUCK. WHATEVER WILL SHE DO?

You know what that bitch did? She took control of the fleet, and married her younger lover. She expanded the fleet. She created a massively successful system of corporate piracy that commanded thousands of ships and men. She was so successful and so feared that her home nation of China came after her–in a bad bad way.

OH GOD WHAT NOW.

CHINA IS AFTER HER SHE’S GONNA DIE.

Okay NO WAY she beat them down so badly that they ended up having to offer her and all her pirates amnesty and nice jobs just so Ching Shih would stop fucking all the shit up and being rich and awesome, because it was kind of ruining some people’s lives.

So then did she live the rest of her life quiet and peacefully and die alone?

HELL NO.

That bitch started an old-school casino and died rich and happy and with both fists in the air. She was THE most successful pirate of all time. Not ‘successful for a lady’–successful overall. She was the best–biggest fleet, baddest bitch. Ching Shih was the shit.

Your life is hard?

THEN YOU BE HARD BACK TO LIFE, LADIES. WE GOT FLEETS TO RUN AND NATIONS TO SCARE.

Amy Luwis May 15, 2014 at 10:54 pm

Woo-hoo Ching Shih!

Noa May 20, 2014 at 9:14 pm

RIGHT?!

Heather Heartless May 24, 2014 at 12:25 pm

Are you familiar with Badass of the Week (.com)? That’s my source for all badass bitches. I especially appreciate the lady pirates, for there were many. And Boudicca. I probably mangled that spelling. Most of the featured badasses are men because of the way history was told, but he digs up quite a few women I would have never known about. Like Juliane Koepcke. She straight up Sole Survivored a plane crash in the Amazon at 17 and hoofed her way to safety. As in, crossed the entire mother fucking rain forest. By herself. With no goddamned shoes.
Heather Heartless recently posted..Ray, Heather N. vs. Wal-Mart, Inc. Part Four

Heather Heartless May 24, 2014 at 12:26 pm

I feel fucking stupid now. I clicked the link. Just ignore and move on. No sleep over here. And no glasses. Which means I’m running sort of blind and ignorant.
Heather Heartless recently posted..Ray, Heather N. vs. Wal-Mart, Inc. Part Four

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