Joke-Off: Realistic Care Bear Names

01/14/2014 · 21 comments

in Joke Off

Care Bears, for those of you who may not be so intimately (or are too intimately) acquainted with the concept, are these:

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Like most all cartoons in the 80’s, they were designed to sell schmaltzy, pastel toys to girls and boys whose dads probably yelled too much about their toy choices. It was a terrible cartoon about nothing more than basic morality and friendship in only the strictest pastel sense: everyone loved everyone.

We’ve all grown up, though, and this just isn’t a realistic goal anymore. They don’t reflect adult morals, ideals, and current situations. We can do better. Add your ideas into the comments below!

Joke-Off: Realistic Care Bear Names

  • Forgotten Birthday Bear
  • Fired For Daydreaming Bear
  • Self-Love-A-Lot Bear
  • Loud-And-Sloppy Bear
  • Narcissism Bear
  • Trolls OK Cupid Bear
  • Men’s Rights Fedora Bear
  • Are We Hanging Out Or Actually Dating Bear
  • That Friend You Can Talk About Periods With Bear
  • Frenemy Bear
  • Still Watches OWN Bear
  • Thrilled At Cancelled Plans Bear
  • Lies About Jogging Bear
  • Lies About Number Of Books Read Bear
  • Apathetic Bear
  • Watches Bizarre Porn Bear
  • Doesn’t Feel Old Enough To Shop At Bed Bath & Beyond Bear
  • Feels Like Being Fingerblasted Is A Little Blasé Bear
  • Thinks About High School An Uncomfortable Amount Bear
  • Considering Weight Watchers Bear
  • Used Coupons Bear
  • University of Phoenix Bear
  • Filed For An LLC Bear
  • Shameful Netflix Queue Bear
  • Has A Professional CV Bear
  • Has Repeated Missed-Test-Dreams Years After College Bear
  • Sneezed And Had An Immediate Issue Bear

I may have revealed entirely too much about myself in this post.

Mayor Gia January 15, 2014 at 6:34 am

Fetish Bear

Kanye Bear
Mayor Gia recently posted..Bad Characters and Good Television

Roxie January 15, 2014 at 11:01 am

Refuses to wear reading glasses, so uses a magnifying glass for everything – Bear

Roxie January 15, 2014 at 11:02 am

Constantly talks about the effects of her fiber diet – Bear

christol February 25, 2014 at 9:22 pm

ur funny bear hahaha you make me laugh

Roxie January 15, 2014 at 11:02 am

Migraine Bear

Roxie January 15, 2014 at 11:04 am

Chronic Fatigue Syndrome Bear

Roxie January 15, 2014 at 11:05 am

Never replies to your texts – Bear

Roxie January 15, 2014 at 11:05 am

Voice Mail Box is full – Bear

Dana the Biped January 15, 2014 at 11:44 am

Lost Condom Bear
Income Tax Bear
Settled for This Bear
Bowling League Bear
Minivan Bear
Breastfeeding Bear
Corporate Sell-Out Bear
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nadine January 15, 2014 at 1:38 pm

I Cheated On You In A Threesome Bear

Grindr Bear

Fad Diet Bear

I Need All These AAA Batteries for the “remote” Bear

Catfish Bear

ManBearPig Bear

ColinP January 15, 2014 at 1:39 pm

Slippery Slope Bear
OhMyGodHowFuckingOldAmI Bear
Sloppy Drunk Bear
Functioning Alcoholic Bear
Tweeker Bear
ColinP recently posted..Requiescat in Pace Tony Scott (06/21/1944 – 08/19/2012)

nadine January 15, 2014 at 1:44 pm

Reluctant Submissive Bear
Breaking Bear, bitch
Coffee Shakes Bear

Dave from Sherman January 15, 2014 at 1:45 pm

Insult Comic Bear
Borrows your car and brings it back with an empty tank, Bear
Eats your last Klondike Bar, Bear
Leaves the seat up, Bear
Feeds your dog chocolate, Bear
Tells your girlfriend where you really were on Saturday night, Bear
Yup, I hate all those guys!
Dave
Dave from Sherman recently posted..Welcome to Ivy Tech Spring 2014

Misty January 15, 2014 at 2:11 pm

Seasonal Affective Disorder Bear
Sweatpants and Ben & Jerry’s Bear
Road Rage Bear
Mother in Law Bear
Up All Night Baby Bear
Minivan and 3.5 Kids Bear
Yoga Bear
He’s Just Not That Into You Bear
Clingy Girlfriend Bear
Bi-sexual Bear
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Chooplah January 15, 2014 at 3:17 pm

Pregnancy Scare Bear
Bear Centipede
Too drunk at weddings Bear
The Real HouseBears of Cincinnati
Chooplah recently posted..Marriage Isn’t for You, It’s for the Lasagna and the Health Insurance

Jessica January 15, 2014 at 4:15 pm

“Question-Kid” Bear
Billy Mays Bear
Friendzone Bear
Miley Cyrus “Wrecking Ball” Bear
Train Wreck Party Bear
Octomom Bear (complete with bear-kids)
Steroids Bear

crakgenius January 15, 2014 at 4:19 pm

Lowered Aspirations Bear

Abomination Against Nature Bear

Rapey Vibe Bear

Underemployed Bear
crakgenius recently posted..Know Your Informer

Beth January 16, 2014 at 9:19 am

I love the concept of there being a “Friend Bear” and a “Best Friend Bear”…..Friend Bear wasn’t quite good enough. Thank god they discontinued the series prior to “BFFs” or we’d also have fucking “BFF Bear” to make Best Friend Bear feel inadequate too.
Beth recently posted..The Husband on Menstruation

Sarah March 31, 2014 at 9:36 pm

Friend Bear: I’ll be your friend random kid I just met!

Best Friend Bear: And I’ll be your BEST friend!

BFF Bear: And I’LL be your BFF!

Random Kid: Wow. I just made three friend in 10 seconds.

joanna April 15, 2014 at 8:17 pm

you are so stupid!!!! care bears were a symbol! the only think is that the inteligence of your mind is bellow normal and your humanity dosen’t exist! congratulation for the example you give the world is better after that! (that was satyric expresion)

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