It’s asshole-shredding cold outside.
I live in Texas and it was Zero here the other day. Zero. That’s absurd. That is the Devil himself telling Texas he is ashamed of it. It is this cold here and I hear it’s much, much, much worse everywhere else. Like, -40 worse.
How are you guys still alive?
That said, I think it’s bullshit that the Olympics are coming up and we’re still putting shit up like Snowboard Cross and Ice Dancing which are both very cool but also…not at all really related to actual wintertime. They make winter look sweet and unassuming. They are lies.
Add your submissions into the comments below!
Joke-Off: Honest Winter Sports
- Not Dying
- Salting the sidewalk while eating a bowl of cereal as fast as you can
- Catching your dog from falling on the ice while also not falling on the ice
- Hilarious injuries from poor shoe choices
- The Skeleton: broken bones from sliding your ass around
- Synchronized Car Swirling
- School-Drop Off Bobsledding To The Door
- Speed Layer Stripping
- Speed Layer Stripping For A Child Who Has To Pee
- Creative use of household objects for window scraping
- Energy efficient pillow fort construction
- Cat wrangling for warmth
- Speed snow shovel
- Least-time-naked morning routines in cold houses
- Improvised cooking with frozen pipes
- Inventive drinking games with snow as a chaser
- Accidental snowboarding on my briefcase
- Pretentiously still jogging in subzero temps
- Dating in subzero temps
- Smart Car Curling
- Longest period without using Netflix on a Snow Day
- Fewest references to Cool Runnings
- Most relevant references to Cool Runnings
- Least quotes from Schwarzenegger’s Mr. Freeze
- Cigarette Imitation with breath fog
- Creative texting with gloves on
- Managing with Mittens
- Uggs Not Worn
- Longest warm-weather wardrobe holdout
- Least injurious falls down stairs
- Speediest falls down ramps
- Saddest falls in front of coworkers