Joke-Off: Honest Winter Sports

01/08/2014 · 10 comments

in Joke Off

It’s asshole-shredding cold outside.

I live in Texas and it was Zero here the other day. Zero. That’s absurd. That is the Devil himself telling Texas he is ashamed of it. It is this cold here and I hear it’s much, much, much worse everywhere else. Like, -40 worse.

How are you guys still alive?

That said, I think it’s bullshit that the Olympics are coming up and we’re still putting shit up like Snowboard Cross and Ice Dancing which are both very cool but also…not at all really related to actual wintertime. They make winter look sweet and unassuming. They are lies.

Add your submissions into the comments below!

Joke-Off: Honest Winter Sports

  • Not Dying
  • Salting the sidewalk while eating a bowl of cereal as fast as you can
  • Catching your dog from falling on the ice while also not falling on the ice
  • Hilarious injuries from poor shoe choices
  • The Skeleton: broken bones from sliding your ass around
  • Synchronized Car Swirling
  • School-Drop Off Bobsledding To The Door
  • Speed Layer Stripping
  • Speed Layer Stripping For A Child Who Has To Pee
  • Creative use of household objects for window scraping
  • Energy efficient pillow fort construction
  • Cat wrangling for warmth
  • Speed snow shovel
  • Least-time-naked morning routines in cold houses
  • Improvised cooking with frozen pipes
  • Inventive drinking games with snow as a chaser
  • Accidental snowboarding on my briefcase
  • Pretentiously still jogging in subzero temps
  • Dating in subzero temps
  • Smart Car Curling
  • Longest period without using Netflix on a Snow Day
  • Fewest references to Cool Runnings
  • Most relevant references to Cool Runnings
  • Least quotes from Schwarzenegger’s Mr. Freeze
  • Cigarette Imitation with breath fog
  • Creative texting with gloves on
  • Managing with Mittens
  • Uggs Not Worn
  • Longest warm-weather wardrobe holdout
  • Least injurious falls down stairs
  • Speediest falls down ramps
  • Saddest falls in front of coworkers
Todd January 8, 2014 at 2:32 am

Relay race somehow involving weiner shrinkage

Mayor Gia January 8, 2014 at 6:37 am

Windshield Ice Scraping Speed Competiton
Mayor Gia recently posted..New Year’s Resolution Time, Again.

Cheryl S. January 8, 2014 at 8:05 am

Who can avoid saying “F*ck it’s cold!” the longest.

Best black ice car skid.

Fastest time from driveway to ditch.

Most graceful fall on ice.

Least graceful least graceful fall on ice.

Beth January 8, 2014 at 11:03 am

I have horses…so most of my winter escapades involve them, as creatures that live outside in upstate NY.

-Frozen Water Bucket Toss
-Frozen Water Tank Ice Smash….with Whatever Implement is Closest
-Rolling Across the Barn Floor on the Rock Hard Little Balls of Frozen Horse Shit – (this can be a
team sport)
-Making Sure that When the 1200 Lb. Horse Slips and Falls on the Ice, You are Not Underneath It

This one isn’t horse specific:
-Riflery…..Only with a Heat Gun or (less effective) a Hair Dryer
Beth recently posted..Shit My Kid Says….Part Deux

Dana the Biped January 8, 2014 at 11:53 am

Convincing your dog to poop outside in the cold instead of on the nice, warm, fluffy carpet

Driving on black ice

Under-house spelunking to find the frozen pipes
Dana the Biped recently posted..Bragging Rights

Brad Ruekberg January 8, 2014 at 1:13 pm

Fireplace Gazing
Most Artistic Hat Hair
Dry Skin Flake Off
Greco-Roman & Freestyle Spooning
Blanket Tug of War Death Match
Icy Feet on the Stomach Endurance Contest (*also a safer & saner BDSM activity – yes, there are Judges)
Greatest Number of Accumulated Minutes Wearing Beloved Shorts
Brad Ruekberg recently posted..Ultimatte tips

Johi Kokjohn-Wagner January 8, 2014 at 3:57 pm

The Frozen Eyelash Triathlon:
You compete in a variety of events while your eyelashes are frozen together.

Axing the Pond:
A timed event to see who can chop the largest hole in the ice for the animals to drink from.

50 Shades of Purple:
This is a frostbite competition to see whose skin can freeze the fastest.

Inappropriate Footwear on Ice:
This is a mash-up of speed skating and figure skating, but every move is performed in high wind while wearing stilettos.
Johi Kokjohn-Wagner recently posted..Living in the Present

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echipament ski January 17, 2014 at 10:49 am

pants unbuttoning —speed competition
mucus holding —endurance competition

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