He Just Likes A Nice Breeze Round His Bits

01/26/2014 · 12 comments

in Adrian, Love, What Is Wrong With You?

I married a very sharp dresser.

He’s very fastidious in all aspects of his life, to be fair. His beard is always trimmed and neat. His hair is long, but always trimmed and under control, or pulled back. The man does not own tennis shoes, only loafers. He didn’t wear jeans until he was 24.

He’s a clean-cut, khakis and polos and suits and ties and tie clips and preppiness until everyone just wants to choke themselves on Lacoste and Lily Pulitzer.

If he knows one thing, it’s dressing well.

That said—you know how every genius has their one weird guilty pleasure? Dave Grohl loves Gangnam Style. Jabba the Hutt’s was butter and golden swimwear. Mine is Kenny Rogers hardcore slash fan fiction.

Adrian’s is linen.

Like George Costanza said if he could, he’s be naked for all time wearing nothing but velvet, swathed in velvet like a king for eternity, that is Adrian’s deep love affair with linen.

At first, he hid it from me like secret puppy to a four-year-old. He accrued the pieces one at a time so that I wouldn’t notice: some lounge pants here, a short sleeve shirt there, a tie.

Innocuous.

One day, like any other day, I sat at my desk working and I saw Adrian walk by on his way out the door to work. He was a blur of beige as he veritably sprinted past.

“Hey, whoa whoa whoa. Come back here and give me a kiss before you leave for work, babe.”
“Oh, uh, okay. Sure, I’m just in a hurry.”
“Please come here.”

Back in the door he strides, covered head to toe in linen. He was wearing a full beige linen suit and a long sleeved linen shirt, complete with linen tie. He looked like Jimmy Buffett’s CPA.

“What in the fuck are you wearing?”
“Linen. It’s really hot today and I have a meeting.”
“You have to be kidding. You look like a nerf herder.”
“I am so comfortable that that insult doesn’t bother me at all.”
“Really? Do I have to drive all the way to Margaritaville to get my taxes done or do you have a satellite office in Paradise? Do you take payment in Cheeseburgers?”
“I do not understand those references. I love this. I am so comfortable and happy and cool and I look so businesslike.”
“You are the opposite of businesslike. It’s kind of like seeing a non-lumpy sack of potatoes give a presentation.”
“Goddamnit. I never make you change what you’re wearing.”
“Yesterday you told me I looked like Peg from Married With Children and asked me to ‘tone it down.’ I am justified in my request that you not look like you long for the good ol’ Antebellum days, good sir.”

Every once in a while, he’ll try to sneak in a linen piece–slacks or the jacket or the tie–and I don’t say a word. One at a time is one thing, but the next time he tries to pair everything together I’m gonna buy him a straw hat and ask him what it was like to know Huck Finn as a child.

Mayor Gia January 27, 2014 at 6:34 am

Ha! See, neither Boyfriend nor I are good at fashion, really. We can’t really make fun of each other for it (too much…)
Mayor Gia recently posted..#BackPain

Noa January 27, 2014 at 9:02 pm

We are generally not terrible at it, but sometimes one of us will come home with something that the other one immediately says, “FUCK NO,” to. They are often linen.

Robin January 27, 2014 at 8:29 am

This has me in tears laughing. My husband once spent no less than 10 minutes trying to convince me that flip flops were ok with his beige linen suit because we lived in Florida. I quickly hid the Hunter S. Thompson books because I believe the Rum Diaries had a small hand in this one.
Robin recently posted..Hello, my name is Robin and I am a mother

Noa January 27, 2014 at 9:06 pm

Thankfully, we haven’t ever read or watched The Rum Diaries. I fear that if he knows someone famous used linen a lot, I’d never see the end of it.

Allie January 27, 2014 at 1:10 pm

I just recently convinced my boyfriend to throw away a West Point t-shirt that too closely resembled a slice of Swiss cheese found at the bottom of a dumpster, so I understand the shame all too well.

Also, it might just be because I’m tacky as fuck, but I think Peg Bundy was smoking hot so Adrian should feel lucky.
Allie recently posted..American Apparel is Bringing Back the Power Muff and I’m Super Psyched.

Noa January 27, 2014 at 9:11 pm

My hair was as high as Seth Rogen.

ColinP January 27, 2014 at 4:23 pm

They do actually make some really nice looking linen suits, at least not in ye olde antebellum styles. I do have to admit that linen really does have a nice feel when you are wearing it…
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Laura January 27, 2014 at 9:52 pm

When I met a very good friend of mine, she dressed like I would imagine a conservative 14- year- old girl might if dragged to Woodstock by her friends. Recently she went on a first date, and getting ready at my place, invited me into the bathroom to ask “how she looked”. What she was wearing is how I imagine a recently inhibited girl would dress if she were dragging her friends to a rave in the early 90’s. The next day she was back to conservative. There’s no in-between with her.
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Roxie January 28, 2014 at 10:06 am

You can get linen suits in darker colors. Maybe he should try charcoal gray, or navy. The material will still be light and cool, but it’ll look like a regular suit.

Dave from Sherman January 28, 2014 at 6:54 pm

You know, you should probably take his wardrobe as a compliment to YOU, in the “I am a guy who could give a shit what the babes out there think I look like, cause I got a smokin’ hot Peg Bundy wife at home!” with the attitude of not giving a shit about looking good as much as being comfortable. Especially when he is out there amongst the herd alone. Save your protests for when you want to dress up and go dancing with him. THEN, no linen. I mean really, if he is looking like that, you KNOW he is not on the prowl. Says a lot about what he has at home.
Dave
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Kari January 29, 2014 at 6:18 pm

Honestly, if linen is his worst failing you have a winner. My husband owns perhaps one pair of pants (other than jeans) that isn’t made by Carhaart. Theoretically, his is a professional position.

Katie Mack February 3, 2014 at 3:34 pm

I once witnessed a co-worker come to work in a pastel plaid seersucker suit. Seer. Sucker. It was amazing, because while the rest of us thought it was a hilarious joke, he was totally serious about it! We only saw it that once. I wish I had taken a picture.
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