Be Quiet, The Avalanches Can Hear Your Tits Coming

01/19/2014 · 8 comments

in How Did My Life Come To This

Every single year for 5 years, Adrian and I have gone snowboarding in Colorado for Christmas.

Every single year for 5 years, I have rented a snowboard and boots and bought lift tickets.

Every single year for 5 years, I have gone down the mountain, unimpeded by my breasts and the silly thoughts that women have that make them do stupid things thanks to ovary hysteria. In fact, I’ve been snowboarding since I was 13, and I have never, not ever been impeded from learning or riding on a board by being a woman.

Thankfully, this year, I got to shake things up a little bit!

Noa: I’d like to rent a snowboard and some boots.
Chad (or whatever the fuck his name was): What size boots?
Noa: Six.
Chad: Okay, try these on, they’re new.
Noa: Nice! (pulls out cardboard and paper from boots) Oh, they’re brand brand new. That’s awesome.
Chad: Yeah, that’s what I meant by brand new.
Noa: Uh. Neato. These are too tight.
Chad: It’s because they’re new. They’ll loosen up.
Noa: No, it’s not that they’re too tight around my calves and ankles, the toes are too tight. That’s not going to loosen up.
Chad: Yeah it will.
Noa: Whatever. I just need a board. 143 length.
Chad: That’s too small for you.
Noa: No, it isn’t. It’s the smallest adult board you have. I’ve worked with a lot of other lengths. I need that one.
Chad: You’re too tall. You need a 150.
Noa: No, I don’t. My husband rides a 152, and he’s 6 inches taller than me.
Chad: Uh, okay. Here–do you ride goofy or regular?
Noa: Goofy.
Chad: Are you sure?
Noa: Yes. Very.
Chad: *looks at Adrian*
Adrian: No, she’s right. She rides goofy.
Chad: How good is she?
Noa: Wait, what?
Adrian: Uh, intermediate…she’s improving a lot, but that’s why she needs the small board.
Chad: Oh, I totally understand man, cool. If you need to adjust her bindings for her, here’s how you do it.
Adrian: Yeah, she’s got that part down, thanks.
Noa: What the fuck just happened?

Sure enough, after a torturous day out on Copper Mountain, it was very clear that my boots were, in fact, too small for me. I spent the entire day in serious pain, and decided that one asshole wasn’t worth pain in my feet for the entire week. So, I went back to go exchange my boots for one size up. I chose not to take Adrian with me.

Noa: Hey, I just need to exchange these boots for one size up. Here are the boots and my rental paper.
Chud (Chad’s replacement): *sigh* Okay. What size.
Noa: I need a 7.
Chud: Why didn’t you try them on the first time?
Noa:…I did. The guy said they’d loosen up, but they didn’t.
Chud: The toes don’t loosen up.
Noa: Yeah no, I got that part down, thanks. Can I get my boots?
Chud: Did you bring your rental paperwork or do you need to call someone?
Noa: Are you fuckin…yeah, it’s in your hand.
Chud: *sigh* Okay, here’s your boots.
Noa: *tries one of them on* Oh, these are perfect. Thank you so much.
Chud: Are you sure you don’t want to try both on so you don’t have to keep coming back to exchange things?
Noa: No, I’m good.
Chud: Okay. Can I have your rental paperwork?

Sexism is totally dead you guys.

{ 8 comments }

nova January 20, 2014 at 12:39 pm

So…how did you get your husband to allow you out of the kitchen? Wasn’t he worried that your bustles and petticoats and whalebone corsets would cause you to have a case of the vapors halfway down the mountain? I do declare.
nova recently posted..This weekend my brother and his girlfriend were in town.

Noa January 21, 2014 at 8:21 pm

I had to get special permission from him to even wear pants.

nadine January 20, 2014 at 1:59 pm

it’s because they’re all potted up on weed now.

Noa January 21, 2014 at 8:22 pm

That law came into effect the day after I left. Utter horseshit.

Allie January 20, 2014 at 2:02 pm

Damn ovary hysteria, always making us do things like think we know what size our fucking foot is.

Also, should you even be snowboarding? Seems dangerous, like you could damage your vital baby-making organs, then what would you be good for?
Allie recently posted..American Apparel is Bringing Back the Power Muff and I’m Super Psyched.

Noa January 21, 2014 at 8:23 pm

I was damn near arrested for future child endangerment.

Jen January 20, 2014 at 2:08 pm

That was us at the rock gym today. “He’s a size 4″ “No, pretty sure he’s a 5″ “Umm, I shoved him out of my uterus 11 years ago and have spent every subsequent minute with him…pretty sure I know his shoe size”.

SPOILER ALERT: She was right…he is a 5. Well…shit.
Jen recently posted..Stupidest Crap Ever Spoken By Me And My Friends: The Hits Just Keep On Coming…

Noa January 21, 2014 at 8:24 pm

At least she was correct. And slightly less judgmental.

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