Thank God I Have My Tits To Judge Me

12/08/2013 · 24 comments

in Psychological Warfare, What Is Wrong With You?

Did you know there’s now a bra that can tell if you’re overheating due to emotional distress?

No, I’m not making it up. Microsoft has developed a sensor within a bra that reads your mood and warns you that you’re bored or anxious or being lazy and tells you to watch out, that you might stuff your gob to fill the emptiness in your heart that was left by your lack of children and penises.

What a motherfuckin’ time to be alive, right? Now instead of getting hateful glares from friends and loved ones, now my bra is here to tell me that I’m being a big old fatty-fatty crybaby. Lord knows that without my tits to tell me what’s happening in my brain, I’d commit suicide by chewy Chips-Ahoy!

Christ. Can we just call this what it really is?

It’s a shock collar for broads.

I cannot even, for a moment, put myself in the shoes of this designer from Microsoft.

“You know how women don’t know when they’re fat? And als0 how their emotional centers are located in their yabbos? WELL LISTEN TO THIS.”

I hope this designer understands that our breasts are made for two things, to fucking sustain life and to fill out sexy-ass dresses. Breasts are not dowsing rods for snacks. Breasts aren’t Ouija boards for emotions. Breasts are not wild animals to be tamed by electrical charges.

For real, though, if we’re going to be this unbelievably misogynistic, why are we stopping here? These designers are missing out on a whole world of opportunity in taming women via their sexual organs! If you’re going to be this stupid, at least be as stupid as you can possibly be. As we women often say, “Do nothing with half a tit.”

How about adding these to your lovely collection of idiocy?

1. Moodpons: Tampons that read your mood and transmit a loud audio file to either shame or encourage you. Such as, “Hey, don’t be so glum–if you only wore makeup, you might find a guy!” or “You are great the way you are but you could be better don’t forget that!”

2. ActiviLiners: Barely-noticable panty liners that read your daily activity level and, when they read that you’re just sitting your fat ass around, take an automatic selfie from your phone and post it to your Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, Snapchat, and text it to all your friends. That’ll teach you!

3. AbortiPasties: Thinking of having sex? Not anymore! These nipple-hiding pasties read your arousal level and send violent electric shocks when you’re about to do the nasty with whatever terror you’ve managed to bed. You’d better save that shit for marriage, you dirty dirty whore.

It’s not that I think this bra is the dumbest idea I’ve ever fucking heard, it’s that it’s insultingly stupid.  Microsoft, please just stick to making products that don’t work well and no one enjoys and leave the oppression of women to white male congressmen, eh?

Cassie December 8, 2013 at 11:44 pm

That has got to be one of the most bizarre inventions I’ve ever heard of. Including all of the ones I’ve made up.
Cassie recently posted..Spoils of Store

Noa December 11, 2013 at 7:24 pm

I thought it was a joke. Alas, no!

Amy Luwis December 9, 2013 at 2:53 am

Why doesn’t Microsoft develop a sensor for man boobs? Or better yet anxious willies?
Amy Luwis recently posted..Allie Brosh (Hyperbole and a Half) Please Don’t Kill Spiders.

Noa December 11, 2013 at 7:25 pm

Because Men don’t have emotions!

Kim at Let Me Start By Saying December 9, 2013 at 7:50 am

This hurts my brain.
Why was the guy who suggested this in the boardroom (because we all know it was a dicky dude who did this) not immediately stabbed to death with every Bic pen and metal iPhone case in the room by all the ladies present? WHY??
Kim at Let Me Start By Saying recently posted..Summing Up My Week (12/01/13-12/08/13)

Noa December 10, 2013 at 11:28 pm

There weren’t any present. BUSINESS.

Kim at Let Me Start By Saying December 11, 2013 at 5:32 am

Oh, yes. That.
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Janene December 9, 2013 at 10:34 am

The guy who invented the sensor in the bra hasn’t been laid, ever. Because his wife/girlfriend/significant other would’ve beaten his ass to a pulp otherwise.

Noa December 11, 2013 at 8:14 pm

I wish I could have seen that conversation.

“See, now you won’t overeat when you’re being bitchy!”
“*PUNCH*”
“Are you hungry?”

Mayor Gia December 9, 2013 at 11:15 am

I like the idea of a sensor in a jockstrap for men. It could send out messages like *BZZT BELOW AVERAGE SIZE BZZT* or *BLEEP Your penis is sad BLEEP* or *BLARRRRR it has been 179 days since you’ve had intercourse BLARRRR* over and over again.
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Noa December 11, 2013 at 8:15 pm

And thus, the world was saved so many bad lays.

April December 9, 2013 at 2:13 pm

I think this terrible invention could be salvaged. It says it can detect levels of perspiration. So, let’s hook it to the new thermostat that I can adjust on my iPhone so it automatically adjusts the thermostat for hot flashes.
April recently posted..The (Pumpkin) Seedy Secrets Your Paper Towels Won’t Tell You

Noa December 11, 2013 at 8:17 pm

I would be cool with this bra if it brought me food. It does nothing to tell me that I’m hungry and anxious–those are the only two emotions I have.

Valerie December 9, 2013 at 9:19 pm

You know what… This may not be a bad idea. Wait… Hear me out.. “Listen boss. I have to go home. My right tit is extremely emotional and will need to go home and take a nap before fatty McLeft Tit eats another box of cookies. Again. What?!? You calling me a liar?!? Check out my readouts!!! FUCKING. LEGIT.”

Thanks for getting me out of work again, Microsoft!! *Flash Gordon freeze frame jump*

Hugs!

Valerie
Valerie recently posted..Tomorrow is Monday, and you know what that means… I may lose my shit and go on a Mass Wedgie Giving Spree!!!

Noa December 11, 2013 at 8:18 pm

Only acceptable if it includes the Flash Gordon thing.

nadine December 10, 2013 at 9:43 am

If there’s animals that can smell the tiniest bit of cancer on your breath, maybe they should incorporate that into smart-bras. Do better science, dammit.
nadine recently posted..Things That Make Me Feel Like I Have My Shit Together

Noa December 11, 2013 at 8:19 pm

Science is no fun if we can’t be mean!

human kaszu December 10, 2013 at 10:57 am

one would almost think emotional states to be self evident.

perhaps this is really more about marketing than anything. wealthy, predominantly melanin-impoverished, females have money to spend, and can be infatuated with their own lumps of adipose tissue, so there’s a market (ergo, a product).

the real question will be: “what will the NSA do with all the data?”

this could be bigger than boobies, i fear.

Noa December 11, 2013 at 8:21 pm

The thought process behind, “Let’s make a smart bra” is moot if they can’t even make a fucking bra that fits right and will last longer than a week AND doesn’t cost $1,000 and isn’t just fucking COVERED in lace and beads. We’re not even to the bronze age of tit science yet, so they’re really being assholes about jumping the gun here.

Also, the NSA will sell it. Probably to Japan.

Abby December 10, 2013 at 2:29 pm

I have emotional distress because I don’t have an actual physical need to wear a damn bra. My shit would burn up in an hour.
Abby recently posted..Let’s Get Clicky

Noa December 11, 2013 at 8:21 pm

System-beater.

Misty December 10, 2013 at 2:51 pm

Well then. Today I heard about a wine bra and an emotional detection bra. My girls have never felt so violated and drunk in their life. Well, at least since college.
Misty recently posted..You Win Some, You Lose Some

Noa December 11, 2013 at 8:22 pm

Nice.

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