Thank God I Have My Tits To Judge Me

12/08/2013 · 24 comments

in Psychological Warfare,What Is Wrong With You?

Did you know there’s now a bra that can tell if you’re overheating due to emotional distress?

No, I’m not making it up. Microsoft has developed a sensor within a bra that reads your mood and warns you that you’re bored or anxious or being lazy and tells you to watch out, that you might stuff your gob to fill the emptiness in your heart that was left by your lack of children and penises.

What a motherfuckin’ time to be alive, right? Now instead of getting hateful glares from friends and loved ones, now my bra is here to tell me that I’m being a big old fatty-fatty crybaby. Lord knows that without my tits to tell me what’s happening in my brain, I’d commit suicide by chewy Chips-Ahoy!

Christ. Can we just call this what it really is?

It’s a shock collar for broads.

I cannot even, for a moment, put myself in the shoes of this designer from Microsoft.

“You know how women don’t know when they’re fat? And als0 how their emotional centers are located in their yabbos? WELL LISTEN TO THIS.”

I hope this designer understands that our breasts are made for two things, to fucking sustain life and to fill out sexy-ass dresses. Breasts are not dowsing rods for snacks. Breasts aren’t Ouija boards for emotions. Breasts are not wild animals to be tamed by electrical charges.

For real, though, if we’re going to be this unbelievably misogynistic, why are we stopping here? These designers are missing out on a whole world of opportunity in taming women via their sexual organs! If you’re going to be this stupid, at least be as stupid as you can possibly be. As we women often say, “Do nothing with half a tit.”

How about adding these to your lovely collection of idiocy?

1. Moodpons: Tampons that read your mood and transmit a loud audio file to either shame or encourage you. Such as, “Hey, don’t be so glum–if you only wore makeup, you might find a guy!” or “You are great the way you are but you could be better don’t forget that!”

2. ActiviLiners: Barely-noticable panty liners that read your daily activity level and, when they read that you’re just sitting your fat ass around, take an automatic selfie from your phone and post it to your Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, Snapchat, and text it to all your friends. That’ll teach you!

3. AbortiPasties: Thinking of having sex? Not anymore! These nipple-hiding pasties read your arousal level and send violent electric shocks when you’re about to do the nasty with whatever terror you’ve managed to bed. You’d better save that shit for marriage, you dirty dirty whore.

It’s not that I think this bra is the dumbest idea I’ve ever fucking heard, it’s that it’s insultingly stupid.  Microsoft, please just stick to making products that don’t work well and no one enjoys and leave the oppression of women to white male congressmen, eh?

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