Joke-Off: Rejected Barbie Accessories

12/17/2013 · 15 comments

in Joke Off

Most of us grew up playing with Barbies and trying to live through her plastic, positivity-plus, WE-CAN-DO-IT accessories: The Dream House, the clothing, the boyfriends, the pets, the sisters, the racially underrepresented “best friends”.

It was all bullshit, and we knew it. Barbie is that bitch you know from High School who still has all her shit together–unrealistic and probably deeply disturbed internally.

Let’s be real and give Barbie some new gear. Add your ideas into the comments below!

Joke-Off: Rejected Barbie Accessories

  • Dream 30-Day AA Chip
  • Barbie’s Professional Late Tax Filing Indictment
  • Barbie’s Dream Crisper Drawer Mold Monster
  • Skipper’s Inferiority Complex Therapist
  • The Barbie Dream Cheapest Apartment Available
  • The Barbie Dream Shared Bathroom
  • Ken’s Leather Daddy Playset
  • Midge’s Restraining Order
  • Out West Barbie: Colorado City FLDS Sister Wife
  • Ken’s Rachel Zoe Project Bingo Set
  • Barbie’s Uterine Prolapse Repair Kit
  • Toddlers ‘N Tiaras Kelly: Comes with Mountain Dew and Pixi Stix
  • Toddlers ‘N Tiaras Barbie: Comes with Mountain Dew and Elastic Waist Jeans
  • Barbie’s Body Glitter And Nuvaring Playset
  • Wedding Day Barbie and Ken: The Prenup Kit
  • Lovely Hair Barbie: Pinterest Failed Tutorial Playset
  • Barbie’s Dream Reasonable Mazda Sedan
  • Ken’s Lower-Level Management Uniform
  • Superstar Ken: Subway Busking Playset
  • Ken’s Tea Party Protest Sign Kit
  • Barbie’s Infertility Medical Intervention Doctor
  • We Can Do Anything Ken: Data Entry
  • We Can Do Anything Barbie: Data Entry for 25% Less Than Ken
  • We Can Do Anything Christie: Data Entry for 50% Less Than Ken
  • Ken’s Friendzone
  • Barbie’s Sexual Harassment Roster
  • Skipper’s Mean Girl Middle-School Playset
  • Ken’s Midlife Porsche
  • We Can Do Anything Barbie: Liberal Arts Masters (Comes with Starbucks Uniform)
  • We Can Do Anything Skipper: Promissory Note From Private College
  • Barbie’s Dream Saturday Night: Comes with french fries and Netflix subscription
  • Barbie’s Unrealistic Beauty Expectations: Now with leg hair
  • We Can Do Anything Ken: Dick Pic Kit
  • Glam Barbie: Whatever You Can Buy For $30 At H&M
Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Headset Hellion: It sounds like you had a great time! I would love to visit Japan someday. I have friends who were stationed there in the Navy and stayed for over 10 years because they loved it so much. They literally had to be forced to come back to the States if they wanted to reenlist again and stay in the Navy. When they retire, they plan to go back to Japan permanently!  
Dave from Sherman December 17, 2013 at 9:00 pm

Earring Magic Ken.
A REAL accessory that really happened. It was the purple mesh shirt and the earring that got me.
All he needed was his can be married in Connecticut, significant other, Earring Magic Bruce.
An instant classic.
Like Crack Ho Barbie with her drug addicted illegitimate baby Skipper.
Forget fantasy, Barbie imitates real urban life!
Dave
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Bill G. December 17, 2013 at 9:56 pm

* Dildo with matching holster
* Pint flask with matching holster
* Internet search that flagged the cops: “How to stab your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.”
* Pink Barbie car with bumper sticker: “If you had my problems, you’d stab people with an icepick, too.”

Bill G. December 17, 2013 at 9:59 pm

Country Barbie with hit album: “My Nasty Boss At Target Propositioned Me, So I Hit Him With His Car”

Ashton December 18, 2013 at 8:21 am

You might want to change this one: “Toddlers ‘N Tiaras Skipper: Comes with Mountain Dew and Pixi Stix” to Kelly since she was the toddler.

*Shotgun Wedding Playset- now with actual shotgun!
*Trailer Trash Barbie includes cheap cigarettes, jorts, tattoos, and Pabst Blue Ribbon.
*Stripper Barbie comes with a pole, breakaway clothing, platform heels and stretch marks.

Noa December 18, 2013 at 8:49 pm

SHIT. Good catch–thank you.

Cheryl S. December 18, 2013 at 9:31 am

Barbie Dream House Re-Fi playset: Comes with upside down mortgage, 8 reams of paperwork, denial of re-fi and foreclosure sign!

Real life barbie: Comes with Mini Van, two kids and wine in a box.

Middle Age Ken: includes receding hairline, beer gut, and TV remote. Plus, real ass scratching action!

Bill G. December 19, 2013 at 4:22 pm

Hehe, love the first one. To make the Re-Fi playset complete, you have to have a $50,000 truck in the driveway, pink Hummer for the wife, huge RV on the concrete pad next to the house, and ATVs or a boat in the garage. Oh yes, and a 60″ TV visible through the front window of the Barbie house.

ColinP December 18, 2013 at 11:04 am

Barbie’s IV Drug Kit
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Beth December 18, 2013 at 1:38 pm

Emo Barbie, complete with 3 boxes of Coricidin and broho.

Skipper’s IPhone….comes glued to her hand….limited edition includes inappropriate ring tones.

Purse Chihuahua.

KY and Shame.
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Misty December 18, 2013 at 1:40 pm

Walmart Barbie: leggings, cigs stuffed in bra, uggs and tramp stamp included!

Ken’s boyfriend, Joel.

Pampered princess Barbie: yoga pants, 2.5 kids, a nanny, lunch with the girls and a mani/pedi every Tuesday.

Working into an early grave Ken: Monthly trips overseas, up all night working on projects, never sleeps more than 2 hours straight, never sees Barbie or the kids, high cholesterol and drinking problem.
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Kelly December 18, 2013 at 1:42 pm

S&M Barbie – comes complete with whip, paddle, and a submissive Ken with a ball gag.
Divorced Barbie – comes complete with divorce decree, assumed joint debt, and Deadbeat Dad Ken.
Real Barbie – comes complete with split ends, cellulite, Spanx, and a prescription for Zoloft.

Roxie December 18, 2013 at 3:20 pm

Barbie’s Dream Tylenol with Codine

Roxie December 18, 2013 at 3:22 pm

Barbie’s Dream Mucinex Nighttime Relief, now with doxylamine succinate!

Roxie December 18, 2013 at 3:23 pm

Barbie’s Dream Nyquil six-pack a day habit

Valerie December 18, 2013 at 6:45 pm

Date Night Barbie: comes with a box of wine and a vibrator.

Hugs!

Valerie
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