Joke-Off: Realistic Christmas Movie Titles

12/03/2013 · 7 comments

in Funny Bitch Friday

I grew up watching It’s A Wonderful Life and Miracle on 34th Street and thinking, “This is what Christmas is. This is how beautiful and special it’s supposed to be.” Christmas was supposed to be all family and love and selflessness and snow and magic and all that bullshit.

Christmas has never, ever been like that. As it does in the rest of our lives, media gives us grander expectation of life than it realistically should. Yet they still keep putting out all these feel-good Christmas movies.

We all know I like to jade people and be jaded myself, so…shall we?

Welcome back, Joke-Off! I have missed you, and I have missed all of your entries’ greatness and hilarity. Let’s jump right back in. Add in yours to the comments below!

Joke-Off: Realistic Christmas Movie Titles

  • I Haven’t Had 12 Dates In 5 Christmases Combined
  • Christmas Vacation Means Netflix and Weight Gain
  • It’s A Pretty Average Life
  • Rudolph The Uninvited “Uncle” We Don’t Claim
  • A Charlie Brown Christmas Is Less Adorable When You’re That Poor
  • Elf Is Not A Thing We Call Anyone, Sweetheart
  • Mother-In-Law On My Street
  • The Santa Clause Is The Fine Print In Mall Photos That Makes Them $40
  • Jingle All The Way Was Not Supposed To Be A Premonition
  • Eleven Christmases On A No Christmas Budget
  • I’m A Jew
  • A Miracle That My Fucking Pre-Lit Tree Works Again
  • The Cat That Climbed The Christmas Tree And Ruined Everything Again See This Is Why I Didn’t Want A Cat
  • Bad Santa: Of Course I Fucking Fell Asleep Putting Together Your Bike
  • All I Want For Christmas Is A New Dildo
  • I’ll Be Home For Christmas I Promise To All 10 Relatives Separately
  • The Polar Express Won’t Even Deliver This Shit On Time
  • Nightmare Before Christmas Is Less Ironic As An Adult
  • Surviving Christmas With Newly Divorced In-laws
  • Love, Actually I’m Under So Much Fucking Stress I’d Rather Punch Your Balls Off And Hang Them On The Tree
  • The Holiday Office Party That Was Alcohol Free Thanks To Me From Last Year
  • Home Alone Sounds Like A Fucking Christmas Miracle
  • White Christmas Means LL Bean and Subtle Racism
  • A Christmas Story About The Time Grandad Blew The Door Right Off The Oven
  • The Bells Of St. Marys Are Ringing Too Fucking Early For My Eggnog Hangover
  • Holiday Inn Is Where I’d Rather Be Than Sleeping On Your Futon, Cousin
  • Christmas Shoes Is Absolutely An Explanation For Manslaughter, Officer
  • Ho Ho Hold The Fuck Up, What Do You Mean You’re Getting Married
  • Silent Night, Bloody Night, Goddamn Period Comes At The Least Convenient Times
Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
Johi: The community vibrator is disturbing, but the room is lovely!
Bill G. December 4, 2013 at 12:32 am

* Throw Mama From the Porch
* Drunk Uncle
* Drunk Uncle II: Farting Swamp Gas
* Uncle Grandpa: Will You Help Me Change My Sack?
* Drunk Crying Aunt: Bad Breakup Edition
* Creepy Dinner: Let’s Discuss Our Medical Problems at the Table!!
* If Drinking All Day is Wrong, I Don’t Wanna Be Right
* Lazy Boyfriends and the Nieces Who Love Them
* Don’t Stand In Front Of The Fucking TV, I Don’t Care If It’s Your House
* Newly-Sober Cousin: I Don’t Give a Fuck About Your New Religion, Please Start Drinking Again
* Niece Has Huge Boobs, Male Relatives Scared to Look In Her Direction and Talk About Baseball
* If I Wanted To Hear About Your Butt Cancer, I’d Be Your Fucking Doctor

Mayor Gia December 4, 2013 at 6:35 am

Tis the Season for Fighting over Politics!
Mayor Gia recently posted..Advent Calendar, Again

Bill G. December 6, 2013 at 8:24 pm

Love it!!!

ColinP December 4, 2013 at 2:39 pm

All I want for Christmas is for my children to be murdered by reindeer.
Fruit cake, the true black hole of Christmas.
Christmas: The Hunger Games Edition.
ColinP recently posted..Requiescat in Pace Tony Scott (06/21/1944 – 08/19/2012)

human kaszu December 4, 2013 at 2:40 pm

What, Were You Born in a Barn!!!??!!
If Jesus was a Capricorn, Why did I get Cancer for Christmas?
A Very XXXXmas: The Stocking Hanger
A Very XXXXmas: So You Like Elves?
A Very XXXXmas: A Red Nose, Indeed.

human kaszu December 4, 2013 at 2:49 pm

Why a Child Buying Shoes while his Mom DIES is FUCKED UP (a.k.a. Does JC have a shoe fetish?)
Materialism: Polishing Satan’s Knob
A Very XXXXmas: Up the Chimney
A Very XXXXmas: The MistleToad

human kaszu December 4, 2013 at 3:52 pm

Does This Look Infected?
EggNog in White Russians: Why You Shouldn’t
A Very XXXXmas: Ho! Ho. Ho?
Nuclear Winter Wonderland

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