Joke Off: New Year’s Resolutions You’ll Actually Keep

12/31/2013 · 5 comments

in Joke Off

It’s that time of year when we lie to ourselves and when I pretend I don’t drink too much. Everyone asks you, “What are your resolutions this year,” and no one ever keeps them.

Fuck it. Prove ‘em wrong this year. Set some New Year’s Resolutions you’ll actually keep.

Joke Off: New Year’s Resolutions You’ll Actually Keep

  • Wear a bra sometimes
  • Sit near, about, or in a car
  • See a dog
  • Eat food
  • Not eat food I don’t like
  • Drink something like water
  • Sit on a toilet
  • Think about ghosts
  • Wonder what the application process is for mail carriers
  • Worry about the stove
  • Think endlessly about a conversation from 3 years ago
  • Have a panic attack about nothing at all
  • See the sky
  • Breathe
  • Feel angry that teenagers are real people
  • Mentally plant yourself in the middle of your favorite show
  • Wonder about whether or not authors read fan fiction
  • Waste time
  • Go underpantless
  • Laugh when you’re not at all supposed to
  • Eat the same thing 19 times in a row
  • Think about Michael Stipe
  • Feel sad about life
  • Feel sad about your government
  • Wear some kind of clothing item
  • Be offended by a family member
  • Offend a family member
  • Offend a total stranger
  • Shout at a total stranger
  • Eat more than 1 box of chewy chips ahoy
  • Consider the possibilities of shape shifters in real life
  • Think about Montel Williams
  • Wonder whether or not there’s a parallel universe that’s so much more awesome than this one
  • Watch a youtube video that no one else thinks is funny but you
  • Consider penises
  • Consider vagina
  • Think about the personal lives of squirrels


ColinP January 1, 2014 at 10:19 am

Seriously consider a hermetically sealed bubble to live in (allergies I have them in spades)
Continue to improve the ass indentation on my couch
Continue to scream curses at my television while playing Assassins Creed
ColinP recently posted..Requiescat in Pace Tony Scott (06/21/1944 – 08/19/2012)

Banana Stickers January 1, 2014 at 1:18 pm

Adjust a wedgie
Stare at a stranger’s privates for three seconds longer than what is considered socially acceptable
Become proficient in faking seizures for when you need to get yourself out of a social situation
Spend at least five minutes out of your day wondering what it is like to have a penis (or vice versa, depending on your current gender)
Banana Stickers recently posted..Kumbaya, Motherfucker.

Abby January 1, 2014 at 3:22 pm

After I read the first one I quit reading, as it seemed unattainable in and of itself.
Abby recently posted..A Retrospective Ramble

Mayor Gia January 1, 2014 at 4:27 pm

Be less drunk all the time. But be more drunk some of the time.
Mayor Gia recently posted..Happy New Year!

Mandi January 1, 2014 at 6:05 pm

Like 300 random cat photos on the internet(and shamefully admit only to myself that it’s closer to 3000)
Daydream about calorie free cheese served by Ryan Gosling in a toga
Procrastinate the 10k words I need to write for my book while taste testing several dozen bottles of wine
Quote 80s movies, laugh at my own hilarity, look down at those whose movie knowledge is inferior to my own.(try not to snort and ruin it)
Laugh at my blind, deaf, senile pugs snarts(sneeze-farts)

Previous post:

Next post: