Surprise, You’re Gonna Die Dickfart.

11/19/2013 · 23 comments

in How Did My Life Come To This

The other day, I opened my medicine cabinet and a wasp flew out of it and into my face.

Let that sink in for just a minute.

A wasp. A killer fucking kill-you-dead-asshole fucking flying ass wasp flew out from my medicine cabinet and into my face.

tumblr_mw2yclz5FN1rdg02uo1_500Also Everyone Hates You, Wasp

Several things had to happen in the moment where death sat on my face like a dominatrix I didn’t pay for. I had to get it away from me by not swatting at it. I had to lock it in the room. I had to escape down the hall and get the wasp killer and gas it. I had to sit down and look out a window and think about what I had done with my life up to that point, and what I’d like to change now that I had almost died.

That’s what I needed to do.

What I did was scream loudly and spin around my bathroom wildly, crashing into the shower, pulling down the shower curtain, kicking over trashcans and stools and throwing my makeup bag all around while the wasp just rode on my nose through the entire affair. I cut my hand and bruised both my knees. I stepped on a tube of toothpaste. I screamed loudly enough that neighbors went outside their homes to see what the commotion was.

That motherfucker just stared me down, eye to hundreds of tiny creepy eyes, while I thrashed in pain and fear. He drifted with me, sharing a bit of his tiny soul with mine as we spun, sharing his thoughts of absolutely will to murder and maim and gore. He showed me what he’d do with my body when I died and I still dream about the horror of it today.

I gassed him for a solid minute once I broke free of his demon gaze. It took him that long to die. He was from Hell, sent to destroy me.

Not this time, wasp. Not this time.

Go home and hug your babies and hope you don’t have medicine cabinet wasps.

Valerie November 19, 2013 at 10:05 pm

Bugs have their own special place in hell. And I swear on the souls of those I have stolen and hidden in my underwear draw, they had BETTER not be ANYWHERE near my lava rock. Because I will totally complain to management.

I’m a letter-writer, man… A. Letter. Writer.


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Valerie November 19, 2013 at 10:06 pm

*drawer, not DRAW… Fucking Jersey accent.
Valerie recently posted..Happy Birthday to the Woman who made me as Awesome as I am today!!!!!! (This post is not about Aliens)

Noa December 4, 2013 at 6:47 pm

I have written a strongly worded letter to the nest.

Mayor Gia November 20, 2013 at 6:42 am

Great, a new fear. Between this and toilet snakes, I’m STAYING OUT OF THE BATHROOM FOREVER.
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Renee November 20, 2013 at 8:01 pm

Toilet snakes! Wtf? I had a snake in my house a couple weeks ago, and a friend on facebook told me “they are probably coming in through the toilets.” Dude, I think we might be safer peeing outside.
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Noa December 4, 2013 at 6:47 pm

Thanks for bringing up the snakes. I wasn’t totally afraid yet.

Kat November 20, 2013 at 12:16 pm

Holy shit!! I’m sure that I would have had a stroke right there on the spot and then it REALLY would have been a killer wasp. Now I’m going to be scared to open doors until I get this image out of my head…..
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Noa December 4, 2013 at 6:48 pm

I was pretty sure I was already dead and in Hell.

Roxie November 20, 2013 at 1:31 pm

Are you sure the wasp was a he? Maybe it was Martha Stewart?

Noa December 4, 2013 at 6:48 pm

Well done.

Dave from Sherman November 20, 2013 at 1:35 pm

Holy crap!
Well be thankful it wasn’t a Brown Recluse biting you on the ass. Had to have surgery for that one.
Welcome to Texas.

Noa December 4, 2013 at 6:49 pm

So did the FIL.

RedandHowling November 20, 2013 at 1:59 pm

Please, please, please next time become ONE and zen with the little bugger. I’m sorry you cut your hand and bruised both knees…awful.
RedandHowling recently posted..Depression Part 1: Stains On My Shirt (THE VIDEO!!!)

Noa December 4, 2013 at 6:50 pm

I should have drifted with him. I can imagine that piloting a Jaeger would be much more fun with a wasp.

Misty November 20, 2013 at 2:38 pm

Great. Just what I needed . . . one more reason to NOT take my meds. Damnit.
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Noa December 4, 2013 at 6:50 pm

I did kill him. You’re good.

Kate November 20, 2013 at 5:27 pm

So I’m a nursing assistant, and my job is to help people o the things from daily life that they have trouble with after surgery/falls/etc. –eating, dressing, bathing, and so on. I was helping a gentleman with his shower the other day when I saw a two-inch, black, hairy spider on the wall behind him. He kept trying to turn around and look, and I did NOT want to explain a screaming patient on the floor, so I just said, “Don’t worry, I’ll take care of it,” and tried to rinse it down the drain. Turned out that motherfucker was TOO FAT TO FIT THROUGH THE HOLES. I’m still shuddering, two days later.

RedandHowling November 20, 2013 at 8:00 pm

Just try to remember that spiders are more afraid of you than you are of them and they serve an important purpose in our ecosystem. They really do NOT want to harm us, they are there to eat bugs not gnaw on your face. I am sorry that you had to deal with that while taking care of a patient though…that is very stressful. A cup and piece of paper work nicely to get spiders outside in the garden :)
RedandHowling recently posted..Depression Part 1: Stains On My Shirt (THE VIDEO!!!)

Noa December 4, 2013 at 6:51 pm


Jana November 21, 2013 at 9:15 pm

This brings back horrible memories of the time I turned on my blow dryer and the hot air propelled a cockroach that was sleeping in there right into my hair. I grew up in Utah, where only filthy people had cockroaches. When I moved to Texas, where I was living at the time, everyone had cockroaches (or maybe it was just that my neighbors in the apartment building where I lived were filthy). Either way, the incident was terrifying and my hysterical reaction scarred my small children for life (they both have phobias about cockroaches to this day).
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Noa December 4, 2013 at 6:51 pm



Kmo November 23, 2013 at 7:16 am

What on earth do you keep in your medicine cabinet that would result such a zen yet super strong wasp?

Noa December 4, 2013 at 6:52 pm


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