Joke-Off: Your Everyday Superpower

11/05/2013 · 19 comments

in Joke Off

I’ve always wanted to be a superhero. I’d like to say it was so I could help people, but I just really enjoy feeling superior and have always wanted to dazzle people with magical powers.

Hogwarts or Xavier’s School For Gifted Youngsters–it didn’t matter to me.

I read somewhere recently that everyone has superpowers (which is exciting) it’s just that we all have different ones, like typing really fast or inherent knowledge of movie times (which is not as exciting as flight but hey, positivity!)

I was a little bummed out by this new knowledge, but then I realized that for every awesome power, there would be a very stupid one. Share yours (good and bad, real or not) in the comments below!

Joke-Off: Your Everyday Superpower

  • Always knows where husband’s hat is
  • Never runs phone totally out of battery
  • Can taste the difference between pickles in the same jar
  • Can only eat one plate at a buffet
  • Uninterested in reality shows
  • Candy proximity radar
  • Never runs low on conditioner
  • Exact right amount of shaving cream used every time
  • Never forgets chapstick
  • Doesn’t mind folding laundry
  • Never trips on own feet
  • Consistently buys all needs at Grocery store
  • Up-to-date on Netflix queue
  • Never has to poop in public
  • Looks good in hats
  • Never is without toilet paper
  • Doesn’t offend people accidentally
  • Always has cash when needed
  • Never late on a bill
  • Can change directions on a sidewalk without checking phone
  • Never has a pregnancy scare
  • Always takes good selfies
  • Understands Reddit
  • Doesn’t have to eat all the bagel bites
  • Can listen to someone’s medical issues without gagging
  • No gag reflex
  • Never dropped phone
  • Loads dishwasher perfectly every time
  • Shit doesn’t stink
  • Dust never settles in home
  • Never gets hungry enough to yell at anyone
  • Doesn’t mind traffic
  • Has never been cut off in traffic
  • Has never been shit on by anything
nadine November 6, 2013 at 10:40 am

always uses the right filter on Instagram
Good at silent farting in stores
Makes a perfect cup of coffee
knows when boss is getting up just in time to minimize browser tabs that are not work

human kaszu November 6, 2013 at 10:44 am

able to sharpen a pencil in more than one orifice

human kaszu November 6, 2013 at 10:47 am

prehensile belly button (outtie)
adamantium colon

Abby November 6, 2013 at 10:47 am

I could think of a million, but today I would settle for attempting to catch something that’s falling off the table without managing to knock something else over. Oh, and to be able to put up with bullshit without automatically creating a mental voodoo doll, have some sort of post go “Viral” that isn’t about the same stupid shit that goes viral each day and be able to eat a meal without spilling on myself.

I have high hopes.
Abby recently posted..Magical Thinking

human kaszu November 6, 2013 at 10:48 am

impervious to reality

ColinP November 6, 2013 at 10:52 am

Teflon coated indifference
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Angela November 6, 2013 at 11:09 am

If I got to choose my own mundane superpower, it would be:
Always has a clever comeback

human kaszu November 6, 2013 at 11:55 am

mine’s less clever, and on my belly

human kaszu November 6, 2013 at 11:57 am

or chest….depending…

human kaszu November 6, 2013 at 1:27 pm

…on a good day…

human kaszu November 6, 2013 at 1:29 pm

…it can be like a Gallagher show.

Todd November 6, 2013 at 11:14 am

You’re so regular, the government sets their clocks by your bowel movements.

You actually DON’T “put your pants on one-leg-at-a-time like the rest of us”.
Todd recently posted..Random thoughts from the mall food court…

Misty November 6, 2013 at 11:46 am

Has never yelled at your kids in frustration and then run to your room to take a break, lest you strangle the little darlings.

Always cooks the perfect thing for dinner that not one member of your family complains about.

Never hits traffic.

Always knows the exact perfect thing to say to a friend going through a tough time.

Nobody you know has ever died.

Nothing in your house has ever broken and you’ve never had to wait between noon and five for a service tech.

Has never had negative body images.

Remembers every joke every told and delivers them with perfect and hysterical comic timing.
Misty recently posted..Dirty Laundry

human kaszu November 6, 2013 at 12:10 pm

as laziness is a form of intelligence (“Give a hard job to a lazy person & find out the easiest way to do it.”), he put popcorn in his flapjacks

(credit to Mark Twain for concept)

Dana the Biped November 6, 2013 at 12:24 pm


Not falling asleep every work day at 3

Neat handwriting

Head math
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human kaszu November 6, 2013 at 12:39 pm

the ability to transmutate and metamorphize a mouth-wateringly delicious meal into a disgusting pile of foul-smelling brown sludge

(given about 1 day turnaround time)

asp November 6, 2013 at 4:22 pm

Can recall an email regardless of how long ago it was sent

Can always tell what their mother/girlfriend/boyfriend is ACTUALLY angry/annoyed about

Can always find something on the menu that they really want to eat

Never pisses off the waiter

Never ends up sitting behind a tall person at the movies

Has a magical fairy who washes their undies every night

Liz Rosema November 6, 2013 at 5:37 pm

1. The ability to get up at 5:45 every morning – after the alarm rings ONE time. (*note I can do this and I am inordinately proud of it.
2. NOT leaving dirty dishes to get all crusty and form a bacterial metropolis.
oh this one:
3. Leaving Netflix- and not just letting it play the next episode for you, I swear that the person who thought of that also designed the Minotaur’s Labyrinth. You aren’t getting out.
Liz Rosema recently posted..THAT Person at the Airport.

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