Joke-Off: If You Wrote A Thesis About Your Life

11/12/2013 · 21 comments

in Joke Off

If you went to college, you wrote a thesis: a long-ass project about some shit you know really well.

If you’re like me and have 9 hours left and just went, “Fuck it,” you did basically all you needed to do but that.

Adrian wrote one about airport architecture. Do you know about how much he’s down with that thesis since then? Not a goddamn thing. They’re essentially useless–it’s a way to prove that you can memorize shit and then regurgitate it in an incredibly specific format for no reason.

If you had to write a thesis about things you really learned in your life, it’d probably be a little more useful. Add your ideas into the comments below!

Joke-Off: If You Wrote A Thesis About Your Life

  • A Compendium Of Disturbingly Complete Duggar Family Knowledge
  • The Theory Of Ice Cream Sandwiches
  • Where Did He Go? The Life Story Of Cotton Eyed Joe
  • Black Holes: A Theory On Closets, Drawers, And Washing Machines
  • Can We Fix It?: Bob The Builder And His Effects On Sanity And Repeated Viewing
  • Fire In The Hole: What Kind Of Infection Do I Have
  • Timesuck: The Actual Happenings In An Office Bathroom
  • Pythagoras And The Mathematical Probability Of Saying Something Fucking Stupid Continually
  • Nope: The Knowledge of Other’s People’s Hand-Whereabouts
  • Death And Netflix: Can You Die Of A Broken Heart From WIFI Outages
  • Disturbingly Specific: Fanfiction And Fantasies In The Real World
  • Sex, Lies, And Chores: Spousal Murder And No One Fucking Getting Shit Done
  • Not Okay: Blackface?
  • Not Okay: Get Back In The Kitchen Jokes
  • Not Okay: Men’s Rights Activism
  • The Fedora And The Lonely Man: An Inevitable Connection
  • Holes In The Wall: Moving and The Family Unit’s Emotions
  • Do I Care: Not Even A Bit
  • What Don’t I Care About: Almost Everything
  • Grocery Stores And Massacres: An Inevitable Cause and Effect
  • How Awkward: The Physician And Ice Cold Offices and Instruments
  • It Won’t Hurt: The Great Lie Of Gynecology
  • Are You Pregnant: No, But Your Body Likes To Lie To You
  • That’s What She Said: Sexual Innuendos Out Of Everything
  • Selfie Game Too Weak: Sometimes You’re Just Not Photogenic
  • Penis Game Too Strong: An Elephant Could Wear A Condom As A Helmet, You Dickhole
  • Cuntwaffle: Everything’s Funnier When You Add Waffles
  • I Hope You’re Shot By A Cannon Outside Of A Kindergarten: Cartoon Violence Is Okay To Wish On People
  • I Hope You’re Shot By A Cannon Outside Of A Kindergarten: The Left Lane And Ego Politics
  • I Hope You’re Shot By A Cannon Outside Of A Kindergarten: Shouting At Service People Who are Just Doing Their Jobs
  • I Hope You’re Shot By A Cannon Outside Of A Kindergarten: Hipsters And Society
  • I Hope You’re Shot By A Cannon Outside Of A Kindergarten: Condescending Strangers’ Comments On Fashion And How Much I Fucking Care
  • I Hope You’re Shot By A Cannon Outside Of A Kindergarten: Your Kid Is Such A Dick


Renee November 12, 2013 at 8:30 pm

Fuck My Life: A Family on Text.
Renee recently posted..Kids? Tyrants? Gremlins? You decide.

Bellum November 12, 2013 at 9:57 pm

Taking a dump in private, nope, never.

Toys, do they multiply at night?

Is my uterus a tracking device? Everyone seems to think so.

Which brings more joy, your child learning to poop on the potty, or vomit in the bucket?

Bill G. November 12, 2013 at 10:42 pm

If they made a movie about my family while I was growing up, I’d be cast as an extra.

Bill G. November 12, 2013 at 10:47 pm

K thru 12: The 13 year popularity contest. And people are baffled that I don’t give two shits about going to my HS reunion. I had 5 friends, the rest of them can go jump off a building.

Pinky Poinker November 13, 2013 at 4:26 am

Cupcakes and how they’ve risen to their rightful place in the Art world today.
Pinky Poinker recently posted..First Installment of …School Formal F#%K Ups

Bill G. November 13, 2013 at 7:22 pm

No shit. Tune into the Food Network and watch teammates kill each other for overcooking the batter or fucking up the frosting.

Mayor Gia November 13, 2013 at 6:37 am

Wine and Popcorn: It’s Underrated, but Don’t Let that Stop You
Mayor Gia recently posted..I’m Not a Picky Eater, but…

Claire November 13, 2013 at 9:18 am

Chemistry for Dummies: What You Can and Cannot Drink with Valium
Claire recently posted..Trapped? Hell, I’ll Stay!

Cheryl S. November 13, 2013 at 9:24 am

Sex, Lies and Videotape: Why you should NEVER get wasted at a frat party.

ColinP November 13, 2013 at 11:16 am

Thoughts and Meanderings Through History: Ways to kill a small forest for fun and no profit; Yes fully annotated footnotes means I do not owe you a bibliography (Chicago Manual of Style for the win); That so totally is a visible font and 25 other reasons my paper is still 20 pages over the maximum limit.
ColinP recently posted..Requiescat in Pace Tony Scott (06/21/1944 – 08/19/2012)

Chooplah November 13, 2013 at 12:44 pm

Office Politics: Is Sheila really wearing THAT skirt?
Pinterest: Helpful website or crafty girl shaming device?
The Power of Knockers: The use of lady bits to obtain free things and conceal valuables.
Chooplah recently posted..Marriage Isn’t for You, It’s for the Lasagna and the Health Insurance

Zebra Poundsworth November 13, 2013 at 12:59 pm

Sir Topham Hatt: Benevolent leader or evil emperor?
What’s that Smell? The art and science of detecting and eliminating unsavory household odors.
Zebra Poundsworth recently posted..Squatchin’ on a Sunday

human kaszu November 13, 2013 at 1:29 pm

The Warm Spot in the Gene Pool

Why I Want to Punch God in the Face

Yes I’m Sexy & No You Can’t

Pay No Attention to the Man Behind the Bourbon

Why It Seemed like a Good Idea

If Jesus was a Capricorn, Why did I get Cancer for Christmas?

human kaszu November 13, 2013 at 2:01 pm

Meditations on Gynocentrism

Orwell was an Optimist

These Colors Don’t Run!!!! (They can barely jog)

nadine November 13, 2013 at 2:40 pm

The Definition of Insanity; Never learning from Mistakes

The Procrastination Cycle of Shame, Panic, Relief and Smugness

Celia November 13, 2013 at 4:40 pm

-How to Not Be a Fucking Dick to Your Server/Bartender
-Pooping at a Party Discreetly
-Your Ignorant Relatives’ Racist Facebook Statuses: A Study of Genetics
Celia recently posted..Facts you may not have known about Halloween

human kaszu November 13, 2013 at 4:46 pm

Fart-knocker: a bildungsroman

The Epic Saga of Wee Jimbo & the Fancy Pants Players

Prologue to a Retrospective

Liz Rosema November 13, 2013 at 7:56 pm

I was going to make a joke but not even kidding this was the title of my thesis:
“How Shall We Find the Concord of this Discord?” An Introduction to Comedy.
I wrote about Aristotle’s explanation of comedy in the Poetics. The quote is from A Midsummer Night’s Dream.
For really reals.
Liz Rosema recently posted..THAT Person at the Airport.

Valerie November 13, 2013 at 10:04 pm

Sometimes a fart isn’t just a fart. A tale of torture and woe… And solid ass cramps.


Valerie recently posted..If you never hear from me again, it’s because the dolls have taken my soul to hell. Please send help… And White Castle.

Bill G. November 16, 2013 at 7:36 pm

Sometimes a fart isn’t just a fart–especially after a night of drinking hard cider. I think all the apple gets my processes going, kinda like prunes. But OMG do I like that cider. Gotta be careful, though. 6% alcohol and you can drink it like Kool-Aid. After about 4 or 5, it hits me like a truck.

Jo November 14, 2013 at 11:52 pm

-The grooming habits of gamers vs. non-gamers: Why my neighbor lives alone
-Just one more bite: A study on holiday overeating (which I’ve been doing first hand research for my whole fat fucking life)
-My mommy really does love me And other lies we tell ourselves
-How to tell if you cat wants to kill you: Is it a cat?
-Sudden blindness: Why you should never let your grandparents sleep in your room when they visit and if you do why to NEVER walk in unannounced (or at all because they’re probably deaf and it’s going to be very ugly, trust me)

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