I’ve Peaked

11/04/2013 · 27 comments

in For The Love Of God, What Is Wrong With Me

I occasionally feel pretty good about myself.

I look at my life and I feel proud of my accomplishments, my job, my relationships and friendships. I feel confident about my life and my choices, and I start to really enjoy my life and where I am in it.

Then the universe hears me and feels my content and takes a baseball bat full of nails right to my tits and self esteem.

I think I’ve made good calls with my life, and then I think, “Sure, let’s go on a drive through the beautiful scenery of the Ozarks! Let’s see the leaves and enjoy ourselves for one whole Friday on our own! Let’s reward ourselves.”

And then I wake up that morning at 5 am after partying on Halloween and my dog has thrown up fucking everywhere because she ate some candy someone threw in your backyard and I didn’t see it happen. I cry for an hour while I call my Vet sister and I pray my dog is okay and also that she won’t fucking throw up anymore.

You take her to the vet that morning and find out she’s fine. They give her some medication and tell her she’s clear to do anything–even go on the short roadtrip you had planned. Go on ahead–have fun!

And then I spend half the day shirtless behind a church in Arkansas getting dog poop hosed off me and my brand-new sweatshirt by my well-meaning but still laughing husband. And I cry and wonder why bad things happen just when I’m looking up on life.

And then I realize the church is on Reba McEntire Lane.

And that’s when I give up.

Aussa Lorens November 4, 2013 at 12:07 am

Look on the bright side– you now get to join a whole new demographic of people who have found themselves shirtless behind a church in Arkansas.
Aussa Lorens recently posted..AT&T: Where Only The Wrong Survive

Noa November 5, 2013 at 4:11 pm

I only wish it were for the same reason as they.

human kaszu November 5, 2013 at 4:36 pm

don’t be too sure…

Mayor Gia November 4, 2013 at 6:33 am

I didn’t realize you lived in alabama…
Mayor Gia recently posted..Boyfriend Did a Scary Thing

Noa November 5, 2013 at 4:55 pm


Allie November 4, 2013 at 9:36 am

As a person whose only aspiration is to write funny shit for a living, I look at the Universe’s twisted fucking sense of humor as a sort of backhanded gift, like, “Oh, how nice, she wants me to have material. Forever.”

And besides, “I got dog shit hosed off of me behind a church on Reba McEntire Lane” will make an excellent book title.
Allie recently posted..Reasons I Suck so Hard at Blogging.

Noa November 5, 2013 at 4:55 pm


hoodyhoo November 4, 2013 at 11:43 am

See, it’s just like Dear Sweet Mama always says… can’t have nice things!
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Noa November 5, 2013 at 4:55 pm

My husband can, just not me, apparently.

Misty November 4, 2013 at 2:11 pm

Yeah, you had to go and piss off fate by being all happy and content and shit, right? Serves you right. I hope you learned your lesson. Now go be miserable like the rest of us and like it, damnit!
Misty recently posted..Dirty Laundry

Noa November 5, 2013 at 4:56 pm

Well I am now, so you win, Universe.

Jess Haines November 4, 2013 at 2:24 pm

You should feel good about yourself. You’re funny as hell. On the bright side, at least you can use this as story fodder in the future. Maybe you’ll look back on this later and laugh.

Or cry. One or the other.

Jess Haines recently posted..And That’s Why I’m Not Allowed to Pick the Halloween Parties We Go To Anymore

Noa November 5, 2013 at 4:56 pm

1) Thank you.
2) At least it was good for something.

Dana the Biped November 4, 2013 at 2:32 pm

I once bought dog treats that had dog-edible glitter in them. They were tiny, cute, and the proceeds were going to a shelter. Glitterpoop everywhere!
Dana the Biped recently posted..So Hey, I’m Doing This Thing…

Noa November 5, 2013 at 4:57 pm



That is absurd and also pretty damn cool.

Nicole November 5, 2013 at 8:21 pm

Sounds like a Ke$ha song.
Nicole recently posted..25 Step Guide to Having a Productive Writing Day

Bill G. November 6, 2013 at 8:58 pm

Oh wow. Sure beats glitter-puke, though.

ColinP November 4, 2013 at 2:41 pm

This could be a new road-trip game… just saying.
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Noa November 5, 2013 at 4:57 pm


human kaszu November 4, 2013 at 3:17 pm

a) any time you think things are looking up, you’ve likely taped a cosmological “kick me” sign to your own back.
b) maybe you should have given the dog a trial run of sorts–gotten him dizzy–spun him around for a while to see if he could hold his own (?)
c) on the bright side, at least they had a hose. imagine how horrible wet-naps would’ve been…or wedging yourself ‘neath a spigot…
d) the dog lived ( i assume).

human kaszu November 4, 2013 at 4:17 pm

ps. remember this: it will get SO MUCH WORSE (let that thought cheer you).

Noa November 5, 2013 at 4:58 pm

The dog lived.

And I guess I should have been more clear. It WAS just the spigot.

Elizabeth November 6, 2013 at 11:16 am

That’s real love…when someone is willing to hose shit off of you.


Noa November 6, 2013 at 8:12 pm

And he did it without comment. Now I have to keep him.

Valerie November 6, 2013 at 8:09 pm

Destiny is a fickle whore.


Valerie recently posted..I owe you all an apology… And maybe a pet unicorn

Noa November 6, 2013 at 8:12 pm

Indeed she is quite the cunt.

human kaszu November 7, 2013 at 9:48 am

downright syphillitic

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