Gaze Upon My Incompetence With Wonder And Awe

11/10/2013 · 9 comments

in How Did My Life Come To This, I'm A Terrible Person, What Is Wrong With Me

I tried to be an actress.


It seemed like a natural step for me. I wrote, I performed improv, I was not terrible looking, so why not try my hand at acting? Why not give it all up to the nebulously glamorous world of local commercials?

Auditions, that’s why.

I went to one. One. I was lucky enough to be sent out for an improv-based gig, and was even luckier to get to go in with a couple friends of mine. When we got there, I guess I didn’t really put it together that they might want a photo of me that was not photoshopped, and the woman behind the check-in desk took a polaroid of me. From below. In fluorescent lighting.

I can only imagine what a beauty I must have looked like. I’m not photogenic, but she tried her hardest to make me look the worst I possibly could.

We moved into the audition room with myself, my two friends Alicia and Nick, and a couple of other hopefuls. We went up in groups of two and improvised scenes together, so while watching several other people try their hardest to be funny (here’s some news: it didn’t happen for them), I got a little bored. I leaned back against the wall.

And then I fell through the wall.

Turns out, the wall was not a wall, it was a ballroom divider that hotels use to break rooms down. It was not well put-together, and even the slightest pressure made it give way, with me on it. I went heels over ass into the dark ballroom next door. The wall creaked and made a popping sound when it split, so everyone was sure to look my way while I was splayed like a roadkill stork. I scrambled to my feet–with no help, thank you–and tried to put the wall back together without making eye contact with anyone.

My friends were no help. Alicia was on camera, mid-scene at the time, staring wide-eyed in horror at watching her best friend fucking blow it before she even said a word. Nick had to sit down he was laughing so hard. The casting director and camera man just glared at me for having the gall to make an ass of myself.

I put the wall back together as quickly as I could, but hope was pretty much lost by then.

When it was my turn to go up and improvise, I had to go with Nick. He was still laughing at my misfortune, and if Nick laughs–I laugh. That’s how it goes.

The casting director gave us our scene, called for action, and we both took one look at each other and started to laugh.

That’s part 1 of Why You’ll Never See My Dumb Ass On Screen.

It gets worse…


Mayor Gia November 11, 2013 at 6:42 am

Bahahah shame on the director for not laughing too! Sounds like *someone* couldn’t appreciate comedy gold, even when it was flying through the wall right at him
Mayor Gia recently posted..Tea Partying All Night Long

Noa November 12, 2013 at 6:09 pm

Surprisingly they were not thrilled with my performance.

Valerie November 11, 2013 at 5:07 pm

An acting gig is probably one of the worst place to get a case of the giggles. And The Giiggles know that. They probably had the day planned out before you even got there. Jerks.


Valerie recently posted..My First Night at Oktoberfest… The Grand Finale!

Noa November 12, 2013 at 6:09 pm

They’re almost as bad as church giggles.

Stephanie November 30, 2013 at 5:36 pm

My sister and I get funeral giggles. We’re not allowed to sit near each other or near our cousins at one. Seriously. At the last one we got death glares from old ladies, which at a funeral is. not. cool.

Misty November 11, 2013 at 6:20 pm

Too bad it wasn’t a pratfall audition. You would have NAILED that bitch!!
Misty recently posted..Dirty Laundry

Noa November 12, 2013 at 6:10 pm

My skills are never appreciated.

Bill G. November 11, 2013 at 8:36 pm

A Polaroid pic taken in fluorescent light would make my license picture look like a glamor-shot.

I would’ve thought the wall incident would totally qualify you for a gig that was heavy on physical humor. Problem is, most auditions are pretty much a sham. They know what and who they’re looking for and your audition isn’t going to sway it much. Look at what a total shit actor Keanu Reeves is. He must’ve been blowing somebody his entire career.

Noa November 12, 2013 at 6:12 pm

To be fair, Keanu Reeves may not be a spectacular actor, but that guy is probably the nicest guy in Hollywood.

Kevin Costner? Not a chance.

Previous post:

Next post: