A PSA To An Asshole Who Won’t Hear It

11/26/2013 · 5 comments

in What Is Wrong With You?

If you’re at a public performance of any type, whether it’s a movie, a play, an opera, symphony, stand-up show, mime drama, improv set, live birth on stage, clown performance, slam-anime, or a donkey show:

1) Don’t fucking talk throughout the entire thing always

No seriously, shut your goddamned mouth. If you have to say something to someone, whisper that shit. Be quiet about it. You are not the only one in the room, and other people are there to watch the show. When you talk at a normal pitch or loudly or anything above a baby whisper, you’re saying to everyone around you, “I’m a huge fucking asshole, and I don’t give two shits about this or my life also my dick is so fucking small.”

You paid money and time to watch this shit, so shut the fuck up and watch it.

2) Don’t fucking bother the people around you

You paid money to watch this shit and so did they. Don’t kick their seats, don’t spread your goddamned legs as far wide as they can go, don’t be a gross-ass douchebag and ruin the time of people around you. Don’t mosh when literally no one else is because you’re just being a huge fucking asshole. Don’t battle over the armrests because everyone has arms fuckhole.

You are not the only goddamn person in the room. You must share the world with others, and you can fuck right off if you think you’re better than anyone or above the rules of respect. If everyone is being quiet and enjoying watching the goddamn show, SO SHOULD YOU ASSFART.

3) Don’t. Fucking. Shout. At. The. Performers. 

No, for real.


Believe it or not, it’s their fucking job to get up on stage and put on a show for you. Do you hate it when people are dicks to you at work for no reason at all? THEN DON’T FUCKING HECKLE. Don’t wolf-whistle at the women (or men). Don’t fucking comment. Don’t try to out-do those who are on stage. Enjoy it, assface.

You’re ruining the performance for the performers, for the audience, and truly, for yourself. Because you can’t just sit there and enjoy it appropriately, you’re missing out on the good stuff. By working so hard to be funnier or be the center of attention or get off or whatever the fuck you do this for, you’re trashing your own life.

If you want to be the funny one, the musical one, the one who’s entertaining everyone, then by all means you should learn how to do what they’re doing and try it for yourself. Take improv classes, try stand-up, make your own movie, put on your own play.

RedandHowling November 26, 2013 at 8:51 pm

I fantasize about having my very own button to push that will drop these impolite philistines through a trap door in the floor. I’d also like magic powers to make the worst offenders spontaneously combust.
RedandHowling recently posted..Allie Brosh (Hyperbole and a Half) Please Don’t Kill Spiders.

Noa December 4, 2013 at 6:44 pm

….both? Can I have both?

RedandHowling December 4, 2013 at 8:35 pm

Yes, you too can have these superpowers :)
RedandHowling recently posted..Allie Brosh (Hyperbole and a Half) Please Don’t Kill Spiders.

Mayor Gia November 27, 2013 at 6:39 am

I can’t believe people shout! And don’t let your phone ring. And don’t fucking answer it if it does. AND DON’T TEXT THE ENTIRE TIME ITS RUDE AND DISTRACTING I SEE YOUR SCREEN.
Mayor Gia recently posted..The Mindy Project is Freaking Awesome so Why am I Hearing that it Might Be Cancelled?

Noa December 4, 2013 at 6:45 pm

S’why I love Alamo Drafthouse. You text, you get thrown out.

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