So Tell Me About Your Uterus’ 5-Year-Plan

10/20/2013 · 31 comments

in I'm A Terrible Person,Social Services

I used to laugh off the idea that one day people would ask me when I planned to have children.

Well, I used to laugh off the idea that I would have children, but apparently some day you wake up and you go, “Oh, that’s totally a thing I want,” and that was surprise enough.

But surely people wouldn’t be so goddamn nosy as to wonder how often and when Adrian was tappin’ that ass (and other related areas) to produce a baby. That sound you hear is the world erupting in laughter at the idea that people mind their own goddamn business.

It happened to me–I turned 24 and was married and it is 1938 when am I gonna start making a real woman of myself and proving my worth via baby? I had to think of something to do to get people off my ass. I’ll have a baby when I’m good and ready or probably when I least expect it and freak out for a while until I accept my fate. No matter what, it was no one else’s business.

So I came up with two strategies that have worked miracles for me, and may do the same for you. After you use one of these, people just sort of back away and pretend you aren’t a real person and believe in the power of asexual reproduction. I have a lot more peace and quiet because of these.

1) It’s In The Butt, Right?

Anytime anyone asks you when you’re going to have a baby, sadly shake your head and say that you are trying, but it’s just not working. Then go into a too-detailed description of the most anatomically wrong way you can think of to try for a baby.

I prefer to talk about butts a lot in this situation, because people get really uncomfortable when you bring up anal sex and the idea that it could bring you a nice little baby. Other fun variations have been:

  • “I mailed his sperm to ______, but no word yet.”
  • “We tried wishing really hard on falling stars.”
  • “He came on the pentagram and I called upon Baphomet, but we have not been damned yet.”+

They’ll either run in terror or try to explain sex to you in nice terms. Either way, you have fun and they really think before they ask you again.

2) Imagine This Embroidered On A Christmas Stocking

Anytime anyone asks you when you’re going to have a baby, enthusiastically  say, “Soon I hope! I can’t wait to use the name __________,” and then say the most absurd name you can possibly imagine. Some of my favorites:

  • Halen Vonn
  • Ace Dec
  • Motte Crew
  • Oberon
  • Jazzerus
  • Snowphish
  • SeaShawna

People back way the fuck up in the fastest way possible, terrified by the fact that you’ll procreate. Also, they have a story to tell later. Everyone wins!

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