So Tell Me About Your Uterus’ 5-Year-Plan

10/20/2013 · 31 comments

in I'm A Terrible Person, Social Services

I used to laugh off the idea that one day people would ask me when I planned to have children.

Well, I used to laugh off the idea that I would have children, but apparently some day you wake up and you go, “Oh, that’s totally a thing I want,” and that was surprise enough.

But surely people wouldn’t be so goddamn nosy as to wonder how often and when Adrian was tappin’ that ass (and other related areas) to produce a baby. That sound you hear is the world erupting in laughter at the idea that people mind their own goddamn business.

It happened to me–I turned 24 and was married and it is 1938 when am I gonna start making a real woman of myself and proving my worth via baby? I had to think of something to do to get people off my ass. I’ll have a baby when I’m good and ready or probably when I least expect it and freak out for a while until I accept my fate. No matter what, it was no one else’s business.

So I came up with two strategies that have worked miracles for me, and may do the same for you. After you use one of these, people just sort of back away and pretend you aren’t a real person and believe in the power of asexual reproduction. I have a lot more peace and quiet because of these.

1) It’s In The Butt, Right?

Anytime anyone asks you when you’re going to have a baby, sadly shake your head and say that you are trying, but it’s just not working. Then go into a too-detailed description of the most anatomically wrong way you can think of to try for a baby.

I prefer to talk about butts a lot in this situation, because people get really uncomfortable when you bring up anal sex and the idea that it could bring you a nice little baby. Other fun variations have been:

  • “I mailed his sperm to ______, but no word yet.”
  • “We tried wishing really hard on falling stars.”
  • “He came on the pentagram and I called upon Baphomet, but we have not been damned yet.”+

They’ll either run in terror or try to explain sex to you in nice terms. Either way, you have fun and they really think before they ask you again.

2) Imagine This Embroidered On A Christmas Stocking

Anytime anyone asks you when you’re going to have a baby, enthusiastically  say, “Soon I hope! I can’t wait to use the name __________,” and then say the most absurd name you can possibly imagine. Some of my favorites:

  • Halen Vonn
  • Ace Dec
  • Motte Crew
  • Oberon
  • Jazzerus
  • Snowphish
  • SeaShawna

People back way the fuck up in the fastest way possible, terrified by the fact that you’ll procreate. Also, they have a story to tell later. Everyone wins!

Aussa Lorens October 20, 2013 at 11:26 pm

This is excellent advice. I’m 27 and not yet married so I’m basically two bad dates away from being honor-killed by my community. I have a feeling that if/when I do get married I will probably get asked these same questions all the time– my sister in law still likes to tell me about my eggs dying off and the likelihood that my children will have special needs. I’ll have to mention something about butts next time she brings it up…
Aussa Lorens recently posted..How to Fall Out of a Parked Convertible and Become a Fortune Teller

Noa October 21, 2013 at 5:35 pm

I get that too: “If you don’t start now you’ll be the mother of children with…you know…problems.”


Pinky Poinker October 21, 2013 at 1:30 am

I really try not to ask my young colleagues this question. Anyway, they’ve heard the non-exaggerated horror stories about my five kids so that’s put them all off anyway. I love your style!
Pinky Poinker recently posted..Should we charge our kids board?

Noa October 21, 2013 at 5:38 pm

No one wants to ask me anything anymore, and I don’t even care.

Rico Swaff October 21, 2013 at 3:21 am

This was a funny post.

I don’t know why, but I can’t shake the funny thought (to me anyways) of telling someone you haven’t had kids yet because you aren’t ready to die yet…as if you literally believed that you were a spider or something, like the spider chick from “Charlotte’s Web.” Haha…ehhh I dunno. Funny stuff, though!
Rico Swaff recently posted..Meet the Kitten Who Pooped and Peed on My Crotch, Snarflebunz

Noa October 21, 2013 at 5:38 pm

HAH. “I don’t want to end up like the movie Alien, so, uh, no.”

Mayor Gia October 21, 2013 at 6:38 am

Oh man, that’s so obnoxious. It’s like if your grandma were to casually ask, “So, how’s the banging going?”
Weird. Inappropriate. Bleh.
Mayor Gia recently posted..Costume Idea Number 234782425124

Noa October 21, 2013 at 5:38 pm

You say that like it hasn’t happened to me.

Dana the Biped October 21, 2013 at 12:17 pm

I have three great-aunts Evelyn. At my sister’s bridal shower, they cornered me and asked when I was going to make the jump and get married. After all, I wasn’t getting any younger, and any day now, my ladybits would shrivel up and fall out. So I’d better get a move on. They were serious; I was twenty-two.
Dana the Biped recently posted..Giraffe Spit Smells Like Marigolds

Noa October 21, 2013 at 5:39 pm

How dare you be a lady and not have a child already. How dare you.

Dana the Biped October 22, 2013 at 12:04 pm

Sometimes, when the asking gets egregious, I’ll tell the truth: I’m incapable of bearing children. Never, ever fails to make people uncomfortably silent. Works like a charm.
Dana the Biped recently posted..Giraffe Spit Smells Like Marigolds

Bill G. October 21, 2013 at 7:56 pm

All you have to do is swing by any restaurant in Utah County. You will see the place overrun with running screaming kids (I’m sure they’re on sugar or charged up at seeing other kids, but you’ll swear it’s crack). At the tables, you’ll see disheveled red-eyed couples that look like they’ve just survived the bombing of Dresden. Dad will be staring at his cell phone and mom will be staring at a magazine. It’s like the kids can be meditated away for 15 minutes if they stare at some form of media and concentrate hard enough. (It reminds me of “Finding Nemo” where the little girl is tapping on the aquarium glass, it sounds like somebody pounding on the world with a giant sledge-hammer to the fish inside, and the starfish is screaming, “Find a happy place!! Find a happy place!!)

If that doesn’t make you swear off having kids, nothing will.

Janene October 21, 2013 at 1:21 pm

I think my best response to that question, when posed by my now ex-father-in-law was, “When your son decides that he wants children.”

That shut him up pretty quick.

Turns out, the son wanted a pre-fab family, which would explain wife #2, and her 20-something son. Everyone wins!

Noa October 21, 2013 at 5:40 pm


Allie October 21, 2013 at 3:14 pm

Ain’t it the motherfucking truth! I was 23 when people first started hurrying my procreative banging along. ‘Aren’t you ready to have kids yet?’ No, I’m 23 and this isn’t Mayberry, bitch. Stop being so concerned with my vagina. Now that I’m nearing 28, people are basically referring me to infertility clinics and/or reminding me that the only eggs I have left are bound to spawn mentally disabled/gay/ugly babies.

God, I love being a female of child-bearing age in the South!
Allie recently posted..We Smell Like Baked Goods and Other Reasons you Need a Girl Best Friend.

Noa October 21, 2013 at 5:41 pm

Oh man, it’s like if you’re under 30 and you don’t have a wagon full of assholes to pull across the zoo, you lose in the south. Fuck that shit.

Bill G. October 21, 2013 at 7:37 pm

Try Utah, you’ll get the same shit. When my wife had my daughter, my co-workers immediately started in with the “When are you havin’ another one!!” Fuckin’ christ, I wasn’t expecting this one. My wife has a hormone imbalance that made having a kid a million-to-one shot. Don’t start bitching and browbeating me to beat those odds AGAIN. And after the kid was born, she was in the hospital for a week with heart failure. So I took 2 weeks off work (thank god for saved paid-vacation days), took care of the kid at home myself (thank god for formula), and drove back and forth to the hospital every day for new-mommy/baby time.

So if we don’t want another one right away (or this century), excuse the fuck out of me!! (Don’t mistake it with Fuck the Excuse Out of Me.)

Bill G. October 21, 2013 at 7:40 pm

After reading the above, my WIFE was in the hospital with heart failure, not baby daughter. Sorry for not making that more clear.

Lovelyn October 21, 2013 at 3:40 pm

Great answers. I just tell people about my multiple miscarriages and the time I nearly died and they start back pedaling really fast. People shouldn’t ask me such personal questions if they don’t want to hear all the gory details of dealing with my pregnancy of unknown location or time my Fallopian tube ruptured.
Lovelyn recently posted..I Won Again

Noa October 21, 2013 at 5:43 pm

The best response I’ve ever heard to, “When are you gonna have kids?” Is this:

“When are you gonna have kids?”
“I don’t know, we tried 5 times last night.”
“*chokes* Uh, well, do you think he may be infertile then?”
“Doesn’t taste like it.”

K. Mitchell October 21, 2013 at 4:07 pm

I always thought I’d name my firstborn Orgetorix.

There are a lot of cool names in Roman literature!

Noa October 21, 2013 at 5:43 pm

Adrian wants Viktor-Zoltan. I want to stab him.

Banana Stickers October 21, 2013 at 5:04 pm

One of the benefits to breeding young is that I don’t run into this as often as other lady-folk my age. Once in a while, I get a, “you know, you really ought to consider launching another baby into this madness we call life before your eggs go sour, you’re almost thirty you know.” AS IF I’M DUMB AND DON’T KNOW HOW MANY YEARS I AM, shit. I really can’t wrap my head around why people care in the first place. Is there some sort of baby shortage I am not aware of?
Banana Stickers recently posted..Please Refrain From Hosing Me With Your Sickness Because I Am Not A Glittercorn

Noa October 21, 2013 at 5:45 pm

It’s as if people think I am unaware I don’t have kids.

I know I don’t. I WANT it that way. STEP OF MAH TITS.

April October 21, 2013 at 5:33 pm

Try the, “Oh, soon I hope! I can’t wait to have all my friends over to partake in eating the placenta. It’s an important event and I have some great recipes from friends.” Then not only do they stop asking you about your uterus, they also stop pestering you to come to pot-lucks. Win/win!
April recently posted..The (Pumpkin) Seedy Secrets Your Paper Towels Won’t Tell You

Noa October 21, 2013 at 5:46 pm

I tried not to puke at this.

I also marveled at its brilliance, but I puked first.

nadine October 21, 2013 at 7:09 pm

“What do you mean ‘I don’t have kids” you say as you show off pictures cats in diapers until they uncomfortably walk away.
nadine recently posted..I’m Not Okay (But I’m Trying)

Bill G. October 21, 2013 at 7:19 pm

If sex is a pain in the ass, you’re doing it wrong.

Bill G. October 21, 2013 at 7:23 pm

When your aunt felt you up at the age of 12 and told your uncle 2 feet away that you’d find a nice man someday, you said it couldn’t get any worse. Guess what….?

Valerie October 22, 2013 at 2:38 pm

Also, dressing your dog up in a bonnet and bottle feeding him works too. I got my mother in law to shut up after not only doing this, but accusing her of racism because our Rottweier we had at the time was black.


Valerie recently posted..I can survive Monday because now I know that there is true happiness in the world

M October 29, 2013 at 7:47 am

Yesterday my best friend asked me if I ever wanted kids. I said “at this point I’d say no” and she got really defensive. I told her that I felt like I had better things to do with my time and her response was a dubious “Do you?”

I am seventeen. I’m in fuckin high school. Do not give me this shit.

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