Joke-Off: What’s Your Boggart?

10/01/2013 · 26 comments

in Joke Off

In case you’re a terrible person who’s culturally ignorant (CALLBACKS, Y’ALL. NOA’S BRINGING THE HEAT), you’ve probably read or seen the Harry Potter series or at least know that it exists.

If you don’t know that it even exists, how do you have the internet? That’s all anyone seems to reference is Doctor Who, Harry Potter, or Breaking Bad. Are you Amish? Go home, Amish Person.

In Harry Potter, they have a peculiar creature called a Boggart: a spirit who lives in small spaces and when confronted by someone, they manifest to that person as that person’s greatest fear.

Such as: a moon for a werewolf, a banshee for Seamus Finnegan, and failure for Hermione Granger (no, for real, go look that shit up). As it’s close to Halloween and spooky shit is abound, I wonder, what’s your Boggart?

Add yours (both serious and joke or any or all) to the comments below!

Joke-Off: What’s Your Boggart?

  • Candy Corn Pumpkins
  • The nude view of my own ass
  • A broken light bulb in the hallway of my storage unit
  • A public listing of all the anime that I watch to people who don’t like me
  • People who don’t like me
  • That guy from High School who had a small dick and I told one girl and she told everyone
  • Hummus
  • Sushi
  • The game RISK
  • Fucking Moths, you guys. Shit is scary
  • Kanye West
  • Going to the bank
  • A small uncontained fire far away from me but I can do nothing about
  • Bill charge worth disputing
  • Grocery stores
  • The movie The Red Violin
  • Ted Cruz
  • Forever 21’s checkout people
  • Needing a nice dress outside of prom and formal season
  • Bra shopping
  • Someone swiping right or left when I show them a photo on my phone
  • A Hot Pocket
  • The game Perfection
  • Chuck E Cheese
  • The birthday of someone you don’t know well
  • Gender Reveal Parties
  • Andy Dick
  • Having to create an account for a website I’ll only need one thing from ever
  • Sauerkraut
  • Going to watch a baseball game live with someone who cares about baseball
  • A person who walked in halfway through a show and wants to ask a lot of questions
  • Vague status updates
  • That space behind my faucet that can’t get cleaned
  • Asian Hornets
  • Someone reading the first draft of anything I write and cringing
Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Misty: Breaking Bad? No. New Girl? Nope. Game of Thrones? No thanks. Duck Dynasty? Nuh Uh. Oh wait, did you say you’ve never seen the Wire? What kind of uninformed noob ARE you?? Damn, Noa, it’s filmed in Baltimore and everything!! One scene is even filmed in the hallway to the courtroom I work in every day. That makes me famous, damnit! Why do you hate me, Noa? Why???
Bill G. October 1, 2013 at 9:48 pm

The Boggart sounds like Dante’s Inferno but it torments you here on Earth.

My Boggart: a neighbor’s dog that barks all night long. They can because Satan designed them to never go hoarse are get winded enough to stop.
Little Boggarts: bored cops that won’t even bother knocking on the guy’s door or write him a ticket even though he and his fuckhole dog are violating all kinds of noise ordinances. They’re more than happy to arrest me, though, when I my addled brain on 2.5 hours of sleep blows a gasket (they didn’t actually arrest me but came pretty fucking close).

Todd October 1, 2013 at 11:27 pm

The view of me in my iPhone when I unlock it and somehow it is in camera mode and the front view camera is on, and it’s mostly my other chins, and I look like an incredibly fat cross-eyed angry zombie/wildebeest.
Todd recently posted..Random thoughts from the mall food court…

Mayor Gia October 2, 2013 at 6:37 am

Kale.
Mayor Gia recently posted..Heart Palpitations

Cheryl S. October 2, 2013 at 8:58 am

Palmetto Bugs (They are oversized, flying cockroaches from Hell.)

Headset Hellion October 4, 2013 at 2:15 pm

I just gagged. Why do southerners insist on giving those beasts a cute name? It is a huge, flying cockroach and one time in Texas I had one land on my head for a second and I cried like a little girl!
Headset Hellion recently posted..Please Pay Attention

Roxie October 2, 2013 at 9:30 am

Humphrey

Roxie October 2, 2013 at 9:30 am

that joint

Roxie October 2, 2013 at 9:31 am

Steakhouse

Roxie October 2, 2013 at 9:32 am

Smokehouse

Roxie October 2, 2013 at 9:32 am

Cafe

Roxie October 2, 2013 at 9:34 am

Salon

Roxie October 2, 2013 at 9:36 am

…and Bacall.

Skylar October 2, 2013 at 10:04 am

Gynecologist
College Midterm
Old men in speedos
Broken Kindle

Jen October 2, 2013 at 11:18 am

*Pudding skin

*Kristin Stewart

*Transgender MAC cosmetics salesmen(women?)

*The Dollar Tree

*Playdates (seriously, fuck that noise)
Jen recently posted..Everyone Is Fighting Their Own Battle…Try To Be A Little Less Douche

Jess October 2, 2013 at 11:23 am

Vladimir Putin winning the Nobel Peace Prize (Since he’s been nominated)
Seeing that german shepherd dressed as a tarantula in real life.
The taste of spoiled milk
Getting your period and not having a safety tampon stored in your purse.

asp October 2, 2013 at 11:42 am

John Boehner’s head on Miley Cyrus’s body in the Wrecking Ball video

Holly October 2, 2013 at 12:50 pm

“Someone swiping right or left when I show them a photo on my phone” – that is completely legit.
I shall extend that to “someone looking at my phone at all ever”
Also:
Having to call people I don’t know
Anyone angry at me
Baby spiders moving en masse ::shudder::

Celia October 2, 2013 at 1:33 pm

- Men who complain that “women don’t like nice guys”
– Nipple hair
– The person who clogs your toilet at the party you’re hosting
– “You are now running on reserve battery”
– People who ask what I’m going to do with my English Literature degree
– Floor-length denim skirts
– Thumb penises
Celia recently posted..4.5 whiny and unexpected reasons why I miss home.

Kelly October 2, 2013 at 1:43 pm

Spiders who explode babies when smashed.
Getting “measured” at Victoria’s Secret.
Buffet-style restaurants. Seriously, you have no idea how long that shit’s been sitting there.
My 187 year old administrative assistant who smells like baby powder and bug spray.
Carbs.
Kelly recently posted..She can be taught! Installment Uno!

Misty October 2, 2013 at 1:48 pm

Holy shit, Noa . . . half of those things that you listed could pretty much just have next to them “aka My Mother.” Damn.

– My Mother
– The only music that exists in this world is sung by Taylor Swift and One Direction
– Bra saleswomen who always feel you up
– That homeless man who always “blesses you” each time you don’t give him any money
– Your boss bursting in your office while you are chatting on Facebook
– Cancer
Misty recently posted..Weekly Whacked: Mead & Masks

Chooplah October 2, 2013 at 1:49 pm

Men who use the word Epic to describe a burrito
Chooplah recently posted..7 Signs Your Life Isn’t Perfect

Jessie October 2, 2013 at 2:29 pm

The IT guy changing the wireless password (aka my link to the outside world) at work.

Liz Rosema October 2, 2013 at 6:18 pm

Earwigs. Even if that bit about them crawling into people’s ears and munching on their brains is not scientifically accurate – they look like they wouldn’t mind doing that at all.
Liz Rosema recently posted..The Spelling Test

Dave in Sherman October 2, 2013 at 8:50 pm

@ asp
Holy shit! Now that is an immage that I’ll NEVER get out of my mind.
I vote for that.
Dave
Dave in Sherman recently posted..Week #5 Writing Assignment

Bill G. October 2, 2013 at 9:20 pm

Going to the beach and seeing nothing but no-ass Europeans with hairy backs.

Nicole October 2, 2013 at 10:58 pm

* No more clean underwear
Nicole recently posted..How to Make New Friends… Don’t Behead Them

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