Joke-Off: Inappropriate Scented Candles

10/15/2013 · 30 comments

in Joke Off

Every time I go to work in my office at home, I have to burn a candle. There’s something about the scent of a candle that triggers my mind to switch from “Tumblr and Buzzfeed and Pinterest WHOO” to “You got shits to do girl.” I go through them pretty quickly, so at Target last week, I bought a massive vanilla candle.

I love vanilla-scented anything. It is my favorite. If my whole house could smell like that all day long forever, I might not be such a fucking asshole.

This candle smells nothing like vanilla. It is a hellbeast wearing the label of a cupcake and it can go fuck itself. It smells like someone donkey punched vanilla extract and then dumped a keg on it.

It can’t be that bad though, right? Add your submissions into the comments!

Joke-Off: Inappropriate Scented Candles

  • Unfulfilled Dreams
  • Busted Vibrator Battery Disaster
  • Airport Terminal
  • Mountain Dew
  • Shepard Smith’s Hair
  • The Maury Green Room
  • High School History Book
  • Literal Cat House
  • Spacesuit Farts
  • The Friendzone
  • Forgotten Hamburger in The Backseat
  • Tire Fire
  • Failure
  • Suspicious and Sour Chicken
  • Paper Mill
  • Ham
  • Mysterious Package In Mail Slot
  • Old Taco
  • New Taco
  • Frat House
  • Frat House Bathroom
  • Frat House Kitchen
  • Frat House Doorstep
  • Ruins Of Burned Down Home
  • Human
  • Patriarchy
  • The Hobby Lobby Floral Section
  • Curdled Milk
  • Tupperware Accidentally Left On Stove
  • Industrial Floor Cleaner
  • Meth Lab Fire
  • The Lake
  • Morgue
  • Neglected Nursing Home
  • Fart Pillow
  • The Front-Loading Washer
  • Bank Lobby
  • Purple
Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Kate: I moved recently, and the rental truck company forgot to include the furniture pads I’d ordered. I told the movers, “I don’t care if the tables/dresser/whatever get a little beat up. That’s life. But this linen chest is what my great-grandfather made for my great-grandmother for their wedding. It means a lot to me.” We covered it in almost every blanket I own, and it made the trip unscathed. There’s something to be said for having a tangible piece of your history.
I’m on a fundraising team for the Texas Equal Access Fund, and if you believe in our cause (which can be a touchy subject for some, and you can read about here), I’d really appreciate your help. If you’d like to donate to the cause, you can do so here–you can even donate anonymously if you’d like. 
Todd October 15, 2013 at 11:25 pm

Bag O’ Dicks

Specialty Cheese Store

Vintage Broccoli

All Natural Deodorant Fail


“Dog-Ate-the-Vitamins” Farts
Todd recently posted..Random thoughts from the mall food court…

Zane October 16, 2013 at 12:01 am

Arse-Sweat Dreams

Yeasty Allure


Lost Property Basket

Bachelor Washing Basket

That One Time We Tried Something New

Back of the Fridge
Zane recently posted..Another voice, screaming its futility into the Void.

Celia October 16, 2013 at 12:32 am

Hot Dog
A Raisinet in the Sun
Pity Sex Bed Sheets
Beer Shits
Masters Degree
Unpaid Internship
Celia recently posted..4.5 whiny and unexpected reasons why I miss home.

Farrah | Funny Pictures of Animals October 16, 2013 at 2:48 am

LOL! You made me laugh real hard!!! How about old socks, dirty laundry, cigarette smoke, rotten egg, or overripe fruits…oh I almost forgot, morning breath!
Farrah | Funny Pictures of Animals recently posted..“3 out of 5 smokers die”

Grace October 16, 2013 at 2:02 pm


Noa October 16, 2013 at 7:44 pm

So close.

Pinky Poinker October 16, 2013 at 6:38 am

A really old man’s morning wee?
Pinky Poinker recently posted..Overheard in a Grade Four Classroom

Mayor Gia October 16, 2013 at 6:40 am

Lindsay Lohan

The set of 50 shades of grey
Mayor Gia recently posted..Dessert Squared

Cheryl S. October 16, 2013 at 8:18 am

Apartment building Hallway
Used Tampon

nadine October 16, 2013 at 9:15 am

markers, back when you could still get a good buzz off ‘em

Janene October 16, 2013 at 9:25 am

last-ditch-effort Christmas present


Febreeze past its expiration date

Jess October 16, 2013 at 10:04 am

Farts that get stuck in under the sheets.
soccer cleats
hockey pads
cooter during your period
last night’s dinner smell haunting your kitchen the next morning.
hobo’s underarms

Jamie October 16, 2013 at 12:03 pm

Asparagus Pee

Hockey gear bag that SOMEONE left in the back of the car and forgot to empty

That mysterious Tupperware in the back of the fridge


Electrical Fire

Dana the Biped October 16, 2013 at 12:18 pm
Lovelyn October 16, 2013 at 1:07 pm

Adolescent Boy’s Bedroom
Burnt Hair
Gym Bag
Lovelyn recently posted..I Thought It Was Crabgrass

Grace October 16, 2013 at 2:01 pm

Slutty sorority Halloween…the morning after
How long has this baby’s bottle been in my car
Hungover coworker that tried to sober up with chicken curry

Misty October 16, 2013 at 2:07 pm

The trunk of my car after accidentally leaving a carton of milk in it, which spilled and baked in the summer heat for 4 days.

Dog poop on roses.

Artificial Pine scented anything

Toe Jam

Teenaged boys’ locker room after August Football practice

Lake of skunked beer on warped kitchen floor the next morning after a huge kegger at a summer beach shack.
Misty recently posted..Walk This Way

Aussa Lorens October 16, 2013 at 2:10 pm

HAHAHA Oh I have missed this blog. You are totally blocked on my work computer– any time I try to visit your site my computer says NO for “sex.” Ha, if they only knew.
Aussa Lorens recently posted..Stalkers 101: When A Breakup Won’t Break

Noa October 16, 2013 at 7:46 pm

I am consistently proud when I am blocked for being porn. It’s because I love to say cunt.

Kelly October 16, 2013 at 2:11 pm

Sippy Cup of Milk in the Heat Vent
Jock Strap
Chili Farts
Refrigerator Science Experiment
Rotten Skunk Asshole
Interstate Raccoon Jerky
Pond Scum
Kelly recently posted..E. P. T.

ColinP October 16, 2013 at 2:24 pm

Unwashed Hippy
Week Old Haggis
Month Old Halibut
ColinP recently posted..Get Off the Beaten (Domain) Path

asp October 16, 2013 at 2:29 pm

Teen Spirit
Burnt hair
NYC subway station
Fear and loathing
Monkey pheromones
Nursing home
Napalm in the morning
Colorless odorless toxic gas

Roxie October 16, 2013 at 3:37 pm

Dirty hair

Roxie October 16, 2013 at 3:38 pm

Last year’s winter clothes

Roxie October 16, 2013 at 3:38 pm

Dormant heating vent

Roxie October 16, 2013 at 3:39 pm

That space between the sink and the bathtub

Roxie October 16, 2013 at 3:40 pm


Emz October 16, 2013 at 4:18 pm

Rotovirus (anyone whose baby has had this will remember!)
Pseudomonis (another one that healthcare workers can attest to)

Valerie October 16, 2013 at 7:01 pm

Blue Waffle

Inside of a condom

Dirty beard


Fat people orgy


Valerie recently posted..I’m not dead… And NO, that’s not code for “I’m a zombie”

Bill G. October 16, 2013 at 8:15 pm

* Old man farting in an otherwise boring policy meeting (True story. Dude was 78 years old and wouldn’t retire, don’t ask me why.)
* Hospital special combo – shit, puke, and disinfectant.
* Your great aunt’s dark despairing house that was last aired out when Grover Cleveland was president.
* Three day old lunch meat & Miracle Whip sandwich that a visiting kid threw behind the couch. (Come home from a holiday weekend outing, go downstairs, and follow your nose!)

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