Joke-Off: Horror Movies About Real Life Problems

10/08/2013 · 24 comments

in Joke Off

It’s October: spooky scary time. My favorite time of the year: the one month between 105 degrees and 0 degrees in Texas. The month with the best decorations. The month in which I can wear skeleton things and pentagrams on my nails and no one thinks I’m an almost-thirty Hot Topic manager.

I love it so.

No October is complete without Horror Movies, though. My issue is that they’re so unrealistic. No one’s going to run you down in a forest outside of Appalachia. No one’s going to emerge from a lake and spawn 1,100 terrible sequels including one with a Destiny’s Child.

I think we can do better. Add yours into the comments below!

Joke-Off: Horror Movies About Real Life Problems

  • It Came From The Drain: Just Fucking Clean Your Hair Off The Floor
  • The Blob: Rebelling Against MyFitnessPal
  • The Mist: Hairspray in my goddamn eye
  • The Call is Coming From Your Phone But They Won’t Just Text You
  • Out Of Lives: Candy Crush
  • Nobody Knows The Wifi Password
  • Layover In Ohio: The Fuckening
  • The Evil Dead Mother In Law Who Can’t Stop Showing You Photos
  • Ghostbusters Are Not Dustbusters
  • They Looked In Your Sex Drawer
  • Halloween: Alone With Candy
  • The Nightmare On Ambien
  • IKEA Shelves
  • Your Friend Doesn’t Really Like Breaking Bad For A Dumb Reason
  • Rejected Feelings For A Close Friend You Have To See A Lot
  • High School Reunion: You’re Still The Ugliest
  • Your Husband Had Has A Cold
  • Event Horizon: Forcibly Jogging at Sunrise
  • My Bloody Valentine: Period On Your Honeymoon
  • I’m Just Sayin': Your Shitty In Law Comes To Stay
  • Meet The Browns: Only Tyler Perry Forever
  • Saw-ed Off My Nail Doing Laundry Motherfucker
  • The Grampening: Nana’s On Facebook
  • Rosemary’s Baby Just Shit All Over Everything In This Restaurant Oh God Why
  • Dawn Of The Dead: Woke Up Before Your Alarm
  • The Purge: That Chicken Wasn’t Fully Cooked
  • Psycho Seems Not So Bad Vs Match.com
  • The Cabin In The Woods Is Totally Not Rodent Filled
  • You’re Next In Line At The Pharmacy Behind A 100 year Old woman
  • The Ring Of Whatever That Just Won’t Scrub The Fuck Off
  • The Grudge: Playgroup
  • Jaws: You Need Dental Surgery
  • I Know What You Did Last Summer But you Need To Tell Your Gynecologist
Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
Handflapper: I washed dishes for six months once when my husband and I were living in a 200-year-old house we were attempting to restore. Really makes you appreciate Little Fucking House on the Fucking Prairie, doesn’t it?
I’m on a fundraising team for the Texas Equal Access Fund, and if you believe in our cause (which can be a touchy subject for some, and you can read about here), I’d really appreciate your help. If you’d like to donate to the cause, you can do so here–you can even donate anonymously if you’d like. 
Kristi October 8, 2013 at 10:40 pm

Carrie: When The Babysitter Is Cheap & Crazy

Christine: No, I Don’t Want To Buy Your Fucking Prius.

Pet Semetary: Aka The Toilet (Sorry about Goldie)

The Ring: When Your Stalker From Online Shows Up At Your Front Door in A Tux Holding A Zales Box

Bill G. October 8, 2013 at 11:24 pm

Stuck in line behind somebody paying in nickels.

Bill G. October 8, 2013 at 11:26 pm

Bad Mexican meal before a job interview.
Neighbor who listens to techno kiddie-pop loud enough to walk the dead.

Bill G. October 9, 2013 at 7:24 pm

Oops, “wake the dead”!

Todd October 9, 2013 at 12:06 am

There’s A Camera Pointed At Me: Oh, Son-of-a-Fat-Fuck

The Seventh Level of Hell: Two Hours Of Dancing With The Stars

The Phone Book Read By David Beckham
Todd recently posted..Random thoughts from the mall food court…

Pinky Poinker October 9, 2013 at 2:16 am

“The (Burning Ring)” after hot chili night.
Pinky Poinker recently posted..Princess Lulu Returns! Pinky sings a song.

Mayor Gia October 9, 2013 at 6:36 am

That wasn’t chocolate: the Oatmeal Raisin Cookie from HELLLLLLLL
Mayor Gia recently posted..How to Ship Properly

Cheryl S. October 9, 2013 at 8:49 am

Don’t Look Down: What the hell did I just step in?

Don’t Answer the Phone: It’s your mother-in-law

Damien: The baby cried ALL.NIGHT.LONG.

Tabitha Crow October 9, 2013 at 12:56 pm

Dawn Of The Dead: The Day After Your Kid Puked All Night
The People Under The Stairs: Life Lesson #1, You Break Into My House I *WILL* Cut Your Tongue Out
The Omen: That Rumbly In Your Tummy After Bad Chinese
Tabitha Crow recently posted..This Will Be The Most Rambling And Convoluted Post Ever So Feel Free To Skip It If You Want To (But I Wouldn’t)

Cate October 9, 2013 at 1:17 pm

The sound of your cat vomiting on the most expensive carpet/hard to reach place

ColinP October 9, 2013 at 1:28 pm

Plane of the Damned: A plane load of infants with ear infections loaded up on meth and you.
ColinP recently posted..WordPress.com News and Numbers: The September 2013 Hot List

Angela October 9, 2013 at 1:59 pm

I’d just like to second the idea of “Your Husband Has a Cold” as a horror movie topic. It is the thing I dread most in this world…the minute mine gets sick he devolves into a sniveling snot-beast that whines and chainsaw-coughs relentlessly. He is convinced that using a ceiling fan will kill him during these sicktimes (a condition I refer to as Fanitis) and I lie awake at night, waiting for him to wheeze out his final breath of consciousness so I can get up and turn the damned fan on so I don’t have to breath his sick mouth-fumes.

Zebra Poundsworth October 9, 2013 at 2:02 pm

Rear Window: You look in the rear-view mirror to see a humongous Buick barreling towards you with an eighty year old driver peering over the dashboard as she talks on her cell phone.
Zebra Poundsworth recently posted..Bald mammals drinking wine

Liz Rosema October 9, 2013 at 2:15 pm

Lost: THE TAMPON IS UP HERE SOMEWHERE. Quick little brain race through all those tampon horror stories the other girls told in the bathroom when you were twelve.
Yes I know all caps is screaming and in this case screaming is justified.
Liz Rosema recently posted..Absurd Cards II

Misty October 9, 2013 at 2:21 pm

The Uninvited: Your mother shows up at your house for a suprise visit

The Horror of your gyno trying to chat with you while giving you a pap smear
Misty recently posted..Walk This Way

Bill G. October 9, 2013 at 7:41 pm

I got a mother-in-law and father-in-law that live in the same town and like to do the ole pop-in once in a while. Fuckin’ christ, there goes most of my Saturday afternoon. For the first 4 years or so of being married, they had a real knack for knocking on the door when we’re doing it or just got done (didn’t realize for a long while that it was usually when they were heading home from church). Both cars are in the garage, we’d just lay there until they go away. There’s no fucking way either of us are going to jump up, quickly get dressed, straighten up a little, and answer the door with a story that we were downstairs moving furniture or some shit. Who do I have to fuck to get them to call first?

nadine October 9, 2013 at 2:21 pm

house centipedes everywhere.

Bill G. October 9, 2013 at 7:50 pm

I had that happen once on my shoulder. No joke, I went for a walk on a trail by my house. As I was coming in the front door, I felt something on my neck. Brushed it away (I thought) and felt it again as I was coming into the bathroom. Turned on the light and saw that I had a couple hundred little baby centipedes (about the size of an eyelash) all over my shoulder and neck. Those clothes all went into the washing machine, turned it on, and took a nice long shower. I did this at a pretty frantic pace and my wife was downstairs wondering why I was banging things around, saying fuck a lot, and moving fast. I don’t know where I picked up a nest of tiny centipedes, I must’ve brushed up against the wrong tree somewhere.

nadine October 10, 2013 at 8:18 am

i would have just set myself on fire and accepted the end of my life. wow. such perseverance. that literally is a horror story and you are the hero.

Lovelyn October 9, 2013 at 2:35 pm

The Cut: Your hairdresser turns you away from the mirror during your haircut
The smell: Discovering that your dog pooped in the AC vent
Shutdown: Your computer gets a virus
Lovelyn recently posted..Five Ways to Avoid Being Picked Up by Animal Control

Bill G. October 9, 2013 at 7:51 pm

I don’t go back to barbers that sit me in the chair and immediately spin me away from the mirror. They must have something to hide. I don’t trust them for shit.

Celia October 9, 2013 at 2:55 pm

Oh No Another Movie by M. Night Shyamalan
Nightmare on Elm Street: Return of the Door to Door Magazine Salesman
Those Aren’t My Pubes
Celia recently posted..4.5 whiny and unexpected reasons why I miss home.

Bill G. October 9, 2013 at 7:57 pm

No doubt, I fucking hate people knocking on my door. Window salesmen are such shysters, they don’t get more than a sentence out with me. For awhile, it got to the point where I just quit answering the door all together. My attitude is: I don’t care if you’re selling or giving away the greatest shit on earth, it’s nothing I want or I’d already have it, planning to get it, or be jealous that I can’t afford it. If I know the person: you fucked up by not calling first.

Carrie Sanders October 15, 2013 at 12:47 am

I spit on your tp because I can’t afford wet wipes
Priapism, The Viagra Diaries
Fuckwarts School

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