Joke-Off: Honest Thank You Notes

10/29/2013 · 22 comments

in Joke Off

Is there anything more painful than writing a thank-you note for a gift you didn’t want/need/like/ever require in the history of mankind?

I am always grateful to receive gifts from anyone. That person went out of their way to give you something they thought you would love–that is amazing that anyone likes anyone enough to do that at all.

But sometimes…sometimes…sometimes you just don’t know what the fuck to do with it, much less how to precisely thank someone for it.

Sometimes you just have to say fuck it. Add your submissions into the comments below!

Joke-Off: Honest Thank You Notes

  • I guess you hate me?
  • Thank you for the new dishrags I turned that sweater into
  • It’s like you want to start a feud
  • If this is what you feel is appropriate, I’m worried about your kids
  • Good to know this is how you feel about me
  • No one ever needs marble cheese plates
  • I’d rather have a punch in the mouth
  • The smell of cat pee won’t come out so okay
  • You make Bam Margera look like a nice person
  • When I look at this I think of setting myself on fire
  • I don’t know who you are anymore
  • I’ll never use this not even to regift
  • I’m 100% sure this is shoplifted
  • I hope you get rear ended on the way home just enough to put you out financially because that’s how I feel right now
  • Fuck you
  • You have too much self-confidence to be giving shit like this away
  • Are you a child?
  • You’re not honoring the dollar-to-dollar gift trade agreement
  • Oh good more soap sets I don’t have 400
  • Not fit for a dog
  • I gave this to you literally one week ago
  • Is this what they mean by Patriarchy?
  • You’re a monster and must be stopped
  • You’ve for sure worn this before
  • Please stop trying
  • I don’t know what to do with a Budweiser hat
  • Thanks for the firewood I know that’s not what it was but still
  • Cash is fine
  • I can’t give this away
  • Rosa Parks didn’t die for this
  • You mean nothing to me
  • I know exactly how you feel about me and you should feel the same
  • Was this once on fire?
  • We’re through after this
  • How many rhinestones before you say enough?
  • What store did you even get this at
  • You set women’s rights back 30 years just by giving such a shitty gift
Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Roxie: I don’t really care one way or another about candy corn. I hate red hots, though, because they hurt my mouth, and pain is not a flavor. 
Valerie October 29, 2013 at 9:00 pm

This card is filled with stripper glitter, because I’m an asshole.


Valerie recently posted..I had a bad day… but this always makes me feel better.

Celia October 29, 2013 at 11:25 pm

-This didn’t get you any closer to seeing my tits
-This gift blows P.S. the baby isn’t yours
– This will look so nice inside of my garbage can or a wood chipper
Celia recently posted..Facts you may not have known about Halloween

Pinky Poinker October 30, 2013 at 1:43 am

Thanks for the Dust Buster you gave us as a wedding present but you forgot to empty it :)
(True story)
Pinky Poinker recently posted..Pinky’s Conspiracy Theories

Bill G. October 30, 2013 at 10:58 pm

Haha!! I had the same experience with a little 4-cup coffee maker. I was in college and made good use of it. With the filter and used coffee grounds with it, it was an obvious re-gift. No problem, Christmas shopping sucks ass and I’m OK that I made another person’s shopping that much easier.

Mayor Gia October 30, 2013 at 6:38 am

Was it a cat? No? Then I want nothing to do with it.
Mayor Gia recently posted..The Salem Witch Trials

Cheryl S. October 30, 2013 at 8:45 am


Next time, just send a card.

Thanks for the obvious re-gift.

Roxie October 30, 2013 at 9:06 am

Thank goodness for those anonymous donation boxes, huh?

Roxie October 30, 2013 at 9:12 am

Do you have some sort of syndrome?

Roxie October 30, 2013 at 9:17 am

Really, you can tell me, if you made this as part of your drug rehab therapy, I won’t be mad. (Just disappointed.)

Roxie October 30, 2013 at 9:23 am

I know you think it would be funny to give me a pillow that’s supposed to look like a potato for Christmas, and call it a couch potato, but really, this is just an ugly brown, misshapen pillow. And I am regretting the $120 I spent on your Christmas present, big brother. (TRUE STORY)

Bill G. October 30, 2013 at 11:07 pm

I’d be afraid to give somebody a ‘couch potato’ pillow. They could infer that I’m calling them a couch potato.

And I’ve had the same experience as you: giving my big brother a pretty nice gift that I put some thought into and he gave me a butt-ugly sweater with the $9 price tag still on it. Nice find at the ghetto mart, ya fuck. The kicker: at the time, he was making literally $80,000 a year more than I was.

Chooplah October 30, 2013 at 10:04 am

So, what do I do with the beads once they’re in there?
Chooplah recently posted..7 Signs Your Life Isn’t Perfect

hoodyhoo October 30, 2013 at 10:19 am

Thanks for last night!

(You should probably get yourself checked out)
hoodyhoo recently posted..Like, TOTALLY!

Dana the Biped October 30, 2013 at 12:20 pm

Why is this happening to me?

This is because of Spring Break ’93, isn’t it?

I’m praying for you.

What goes around, comes around.
Dana the Biped recently posted..Man of My Dreams

ColinP October 30, 2013 at 2:45 pm

Wow that gift was totally awesome… what’s next? Are you going to pee on my living rug too?

We wanted to thank you for the gag gift of the push-up bra, my wife (post double mastectomy) was tickled. PS the house fire was just a little thank you from our family to yours.
ColinP recently posted..Embed a Follow Button for Your Blog

ColinP October 30, 2013 at 2:48 pm

I wanted to thank you for the surprise gift of watching your 3 children. We had so much fun, and I sent them back with cupcakes (sorry they ate several before you arrived to pick them up). They were baked with love, meth and crack-cocaine. Enjoy.

PS, Please go die in a fire.
ColinP recently posted..Requiescat in Pace Tony Scott (06/21/1944 – 08/19/2012)

Bill G. October 30, 2013 at 11:54 pm

Shit, there’s the gift that keeps on giving. I had a very similar experience at age 16 two days before Christmas. When I stepped out to take a piss, I got selected to look after kids that weren’t mine while mom, dad, my “adult” siblings, and a couple of aunts and uncles went out to dinner and drinks. And they came back 4 hours later with a doggy bag that wouldn’t feed a 7 year old.

Gee, honey, our son sure has a pissy attitude lately. Why would that be?

Bill G. October 31, 2013 at 12:00 am

My sister-in-law faced this debacle with her little brother and his wife. She agrees to watch their kids for a “couple of hours” it winds up being from 2-8 PM. That’s a great way to burn all 3 strikes at once. Breaking dinner plans with friends sure was fun.

Misty October 30, 2013 at 2:54 pm

My mother is forcing me to write this thank you card. So, yeah, thanks. I guess.

You should not be allowed to live.

That was an absolutely appropriate gift . . . if I was a 13 year old cat loving stripper.

And in my appreciation for your efferts, enclosed please find this rabid honey badger . . . he gives as much of a fuck about your gift as I did.

I hate your face.

Oh, I see how it is. Well, in that case . . . I slept with your husband. No need to send a thank you note . . . you’re welcome!
Misty recently posted..The Big Apple Bites Back

Brad Ruekberg October 30, 2013 at 4:24 pm

“Did charitable pickups refuse to give you receipt for that – well, I’m NOT a non-profit!”
“Were we playing secret santa/white elephant or something? Ok, here’s my old retainer.”
“You’re welcome – what other shit did you need to remove from your path to the toilet?”
“Yeah, my dog DOES need another chew toy but he gagged on this one.”
“Jokes on you – there’s a $50 in the inside flap!”
“Apparently you’ve got simplification of life down to a science – when do I get your toenail clippings?”
“Thanks for the thought, but we have to use the real insulation like from Home Depot.”
“That looks like it would cause chafing up there.”
Or as my Yiddisha Grampa said about EVERY gift: “You can’t afford it & vee don’t need it!”

Bill G. October 31, 2013 at 12:03 am

Thanks for giving me the gift that sat on your desk at work for two weeks because no fucker there was dumb enough to take it home.

Bill G. October 31, 2013 at 12:38 am

Here’s one for the brother-in-law: “I really appreciate being invited to go on a little day-trip to the city with you just to find out that morning that we’re taking my car because your car’s engine is in pieces on a bedsheet on your front lawn (hence, the real reason for the trip, not camping supplies like you told me the night before). And thanks for keeping me centered by not offering to buy me lunch or even a goddamn cup of coffee on the way there. And when I asked for gas money upon return, thanks for your brilliant explanation that that is totally out of the question because you spent all your money on highly questionable car parts from a total stranger that I would be scared to run into at Sears in broad daylight. No problem, I’m the idiot for not seeing something was up after hearing more fucked-up stories about you than Vince Neal (OK, you didn’t actually kill anybody in your DUI accident). P.S. I hope your fixed car runs brilliantly for 3 weeks then explodes on the interstate like a gas-bomb.”

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