Have you ever walked through Home Depot’s kitchens and thought, “Oh man, if only I could live in this kitchen. If only I had that sink and this granite…how sweet would that be.” NOT THAT FUN.
I live in a rental house right now that I love and adore, despite the fact that the tenants before us:
1) Never told anyone in charge that anything needed to be fixed when it broke
2) Broke everything ever
For real, you guys. Their husky tore up a huge patch of the wood flooring, they just put a dog bed over it. They smashed several kitchen floor tiles–put a rug over it. Overloaded the dishwasher to the point where it burst into flames–they taped it closed and then just never ate at home. I am not being facetious or hyperbolic, that is what they did, instead of calling our incredibly reasonable landlords and saying, “hey, this appliance you own tried to murder us. Can that not happen again?”
When we moved in, we made a frighteningly long list of things we thought needed to be addressed, and our incredibly reasonable landlords (I cannot stress enough how it makes no sense at all that nothing was ever fixed other than laziness. Also the previous tenants were both doctors) got to work right away on fixing everything. We knew it was going to take time, considering how much their was to fix. First, new dishwasher that no longer feels hate (or any emotions). So good!
Last week, while waiting for the mysteriously-in-high-demand wood flooring repairmen, they decided to change out our countertops. We would be going from a ceramic tile counter that was once teal and then was painted over with white latex paint to mothafuckin’ granite.
Oh shit, y’all. Granite. That’s a countertop I would blow if I could. I would fuck granite. I would treat it to a steak dinner and then take it home and let it do whatever it wanted to me no questions asked.
I was down for anything when they told me they were coming Thursday morning. It took a little longer than expected, about 7 hours longer than I have ever seen in done in the past, but hey-whatevs shitbirds, I got granite and a stone backsplash now.
Fortunately, along with the new countertops, they replaced my 1,000 year old sink and plastic (!) faucet and slipped in a sweet-ass stainless sink. OH FUCK you guys, if I’d fuck granite, I’d have a dirty terrible threesome with my new sink and my granite.
I will not, however, be using my sink.
You see, the landlords, in their infinite and reasonable wisdom, did not think to book a plumber to come the same day or the next day to install a faucet. And drains.
I have no water running to my kitchen until they come…this Thursday…to install everything. My kitchen is now a show kitchen, gorgeous and enviable and totally fucking useless. Also, my cat got his head stuck in the empty drain so much I had to tape it over.
I now wash my dishes in my shower, because it’s the apocalypse and I am just doing what I can goddamnit.