It’s Just Like Living In Home Depot

10/07/2013 · 32 comments

in For The Love Of God

Have you ever walked through Home Depot’s kitchens and thought, “Oh man, if only I could live in this kitchen. If only I had that sink and this granite…how sweet would that be.” NOT THAT FUN.

I live in a rental house right now that I love and adore, despite the fact that the tenants before us:

1) Never told anyone in charge that anything needed to be fixed when it broke
2) Broke everything ever

For real, you guys. Their husky tore up a huge patch of the wood flooring, they just put a dog bed over it. They smashed several kitchen floor tiles–put a rug over it. Overloaded the dishwasher to the point where it burst into flames–they taped it closed and then just never ate at home. I am not being facetious or hyperbolic, that is what they did, instead of calling our incredibly reasonable landlords and saying, “hey, this appliance you own tried to murder us. Can that not happen again?”

When we moved in, we made a frighteningly long list of things we thought needed to be addressed, and our incredibly reasonable landlords (I cannot stress enough how it makes no sense at all that nothing was ever fixed other than laziness. Also the previous tenants were both doctors) got to work right away on fixing everything. We knew it was going to take time, considering how much their was to fix. First, new dishwasher that no longer feels hate (or any emotions). So good!

Last week, while waiting for the mysteriously-in-high-demand wood flooring repairmen, they decided to change out our countertops. We would be going from a ceramic tile counter that was once teal and then was painted over with white latex paint to mothafuckin’ granite.

Oh shit, y’all. Granite. That’s a countertop I would blow if I could. I would fuck granite. I would treat it to a steak dinner and then take it home and let it do whatever it wanted to me no questions asked.

I was down for anything when they told me they were coming Thursday morning. It took a little longer than expected, about 7 hours longer than I have ever seen in done in the past, but hey-whatevs shitbirds, I got granite and a stone backsplash now.

Fortunately, along with the new countertops, they replaced my 1,000 year old sink and plastic (!) faucet and slipped in a sweet-ass stainless sink. OH FUCK you guys, if I’d fuck granite, I’d have a dirty terrible threesome with my new sink and my granite.

I will not, however, be using my sink.

You see, the landlords, in their infinite and reasonable wisdom, did not think to book a plumber to come the same day or the next day to install a faucet. And drains.

I have no water running to my kitchen until they come…this Thursday…to install everything. My kitchen is now a show kitchen, gorgeous and enviable and totally fucking useless. Also, my cat got his head stuck in the empty drain so much I had to tape it over.

I now wash my dishes in my shower, because it’s the apocalypse and I am just doing what I can goddamnit.

Pinky Poinker October 7, 2013 at 2:10 am

Well at least things can only get better :) Hope the cat’s okay.
Pinky Poinker recently posted..Princess Lulu Returns! Pinky sings a song.

Noa October 8, 2013 at 10:06 pm

Miraculously, he is okay. To be fair, he’s pretty indestructible.

Mayor Gia October 7, 2013 at 6:40 am

Thursday?!!? I hope you’re deducting something from the rent! You’re not able to use your apartment properly right now.
Mayor Gia recently posted..I Walk Hard.

Bill G. October 7, 2013 at 9:48 pm

Exactly, I don’t think it would pass an Occupancy Inspection right now. If the landlord gave you shit about knocking something off the rent or slow-rolled you on fixes, you could play the card, “How about I get the city inspector over here to take a look, write up why I can’t live here, and fine you hundreds of dollars daily until it’s corrected?”

The landlord in this case sounds pretty cool about all of this, so I’m sure it wouldn’t be necessary to play that card. You wouldn’t unless he/she is being a real doucherocket.

I also hope the landlord learned something here. When somebody leaves, do a good inspection of the place. New tenants shouldn’t have to find this shit for you, especially stuff as blatant as this! A tenant with lease in hand and a place that wouldn’t pass Occupancy is trouble for you!

Noa October 8, 2013 at 10:09 pm

There was a broken chain of command for the first month we lived here. The guy who managed our place was a fucking douche, and he was fired for that. We now have a great manager who’s getting shit done!

Noa October 8, 2013 at 10:07 pm

Yeah, he’s gonna be doing that. He’s already had to drop his price considering all the shit that needed fixed. Bonuses all around.

Janene October 7, 2013 at 9:39 am

When my parents were building their 2nd house, they built their home paycheque to paycheque. So when they had the money to buy the items to then build it, like doing the plumbing on the house, they did (they’ve done this with all their homes). I think my Mom did the dishes in the bathtub for at least 6 months until she could have a kitchen sink installed (not enough $ for it to be done until then). It could’ve been for 2 years, too, but for sure it was 6 months.

If it’s any consolation, I remember spending a winter (Canadian winter, too!) in one room with my sister and mother while my Dad spent the winter installing the wiring and plumbing for the house. It was the living room – the biggest room – and the walls were all insulated with fiberglas insulation (so we’d keep warm ‘cos there was no other insulation in the house). Dinner was re-heated on the woodstove, -40 Celsius nights, five foot tall snow drifts, yada yada yada.

Bestest memories of an amazing childhood, EVAR.

Bill G. October 7, 2013 at 9:51 pm

Growing up, we had neighbors in a situation similar to this. They were basically camping in their house for 2 years and it didn’t seem like too big a deal then. If I did it for 4 days now, I’d be positively dying. Makes us stop and be grateful for what we got and how fast we get it.

Noa October 8, 2013 at 10:11 pm

I did that once too! Only it was in a barn!

Suddenly I’m realizing things about my childhood didn’t just border abuse!

Lovelyn October 7, 2013 at 11:09 am

Thursday?!! That’s ridiculous. I’m so jealous of your new kitchen though. I’d do anything for granite countertops.
Lovelyn recently posted..It’s Low-fi Week

Noa October 8, 2013 at 10:11 pm

I thought so too. But I’ll be honest, I’m not super upset given the sweetness of my kitchen now.

Dana the Biped October 7, 2013 at 12:09 pm

Hey, if it’s the apocalypse, at least it’s not the everything-is-in-shambles-and-covered-in-mildew kind. Because granite.

Also, does this make your kitchen a born-again virgin?
Dana the Biped recently posted..There are things you’d think I’d remember…

Noa October 8, 2013 at 10:13 pm

It did until last night.

Lex Lemon October 7, 2013 at 1:24 pm

HaHaHa! Cats are awesome.

Noa October 8, 2013 at 10:14 pm



Misty October 7, 2013 at 1:31 pm

We’ve been watching all of these home improvement/home buying/home renovation shows lately. Do not ask me why, as we have no plans to move or fix anything in the house. But, the all encompassing theme of every single one of these shows is FUCK YOU IF IT’S NOT GRANITE. I do not know of this granite intimately. But maybe I need an introduction.
Misty recently posted..A Bronytail

Bill G. October 7, 2013 at 9:56 pm

One thing I noticed about the home-flipping shows: doing a project like that makes people fight. I see people lose long-term friends, couples break up, and marriages hit the skids. Fuck that. Can’t believe the money off the re-sell is worth it.

Noa October 8, 2013 at 10:15 pm

Oh man.


Granite, yo. Unless it’s concrete, and then granite can go fuck itself.

handflapper October 7, 2013 at 1:42 pm

I washed dishes for six months once when my husband and I were living in a 200-year-old house we were attempting to restore. Really makes you appreciate Little Fucking House on the Fucking Prairie, doesn’t it?
handflapper recently posted..Sometimes we only have one in us.

Bill G. October 7, 2013 at 9:57 pm

Reminds me of the house on Fight Club.

Noa October 8, 2013 at 10:16 pm

When I lived in Colorado, we lived way out in the country. When it would blizzard the power would go out, and we’d cook on a wood stove and boil snow for water and basically just read while there was sun and then stare at each other in the dark.

Pa never did shit for us.

nadine October 7, 2013 at 1:44 pm

my last apartment had granite countertops (kitchen and bathroom) and berber carpets.

present apartment has laminate-to-look-like-granite countertops which is kinda like booking a hooker and then getting a weird she-male fetish escort. it looks fine till you get up close and see it’s all a lie.
nadine recently posted..TV Confession: I don’t know what’s going on

Noa October 8, 2013 at 10:18 pm

I had a bad experience with that laminate, in that I put a hot pan on it because I thought it was granite and then WHOOSH FLAMES SO MUCH.

I’m glad that time it wasn’t a fetish escort because the burns are harder to explain.

Bill G. October 7, 2013 at 9:51 pm

Granite gives me a broner.

Noa October 8, 2013 at 10:19 pm


Aussa Lorens October 8, 2013 at 9:42 pm

I lived in a house in college that we referred to as “The Hatch” and we absolutely never used anything in the kitchen– though it was the newest part of the whole place. Anytime we turned on the oven the whole house filled with natural gas and the sink sounded like it had a guinea pig stuck up in it. But that’s what paper plates and take out boxes are for.
Aussa Lorens recently posted..My Legacy: Quitter Quitter Chicken Eater

Noa October 8, 2013 at 10:20 pm

So, you lived in Auschwitz?

Abby October 8, 2013 at 10:04 pm

For the past several years something was wrong with my kitchen sink- the one I do the dishes in (dishwasher? what is this magical dishwasher you speak of?) and the water would just leak out around the seal, run down the pipe and drip into the huge pot the I bought to catch the water. I would seal it up with that poison plumbers clay but it wouldn’t hold and I tried caulk but that was nothing but a mess. I finally got pissed when I had to dump the pot every 10 minutes and called the plumber that “we couldn’t afford right now”. $20. The plumber fixed it for $20. 20. F-ing. Dollars. I put up with that bullshit for over two years and all it took was a phone call and $20.
Oh, and my counter tops are yellow and white swirly laminate…. why did I buy this house again?

Noa October 8, 2013 at 10:20 pm

I…where the fuck do you live?!?!

Abby October 8, 2013 at 10:30 pm

Its a lovely old farmhouse that was re-done when we bought it except for… you guessed it…. the kitchen! We were going to re-do the kitchen the first year or two after we bought the house, in 2003. We live in the midwest, I’m holding out for a tornado.

Cassie October 8, 2013 at 11:59 pm

At least things are actually getting done? The toilet stopped working in one of our bathrooms six years ago and it still hasn’t gotten fixed. The room has turned into the cat room and no one even remembers that it used to be a bathroom. That seems to be a common theme at my house, though. One time my sister (21ish) decided to cook wax in the oven and it spilled. It took us two years before we replaced the oven. When things in my house stop working we just sort of forget that the appliance ever existed.

Also – when I was little my favorite store was Home Depot because I got to play in the pretend houses. It must have been some sort of childhood magic because I would not call Home Depot fun anymore.
Cassie recently posted..The Stigma

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