I’m Goddamn Delicious You Assholes

10/27/2013 · 36 comments

in What Is Wrong With You?

Hey

Fuck you

Candy Corn and Candy Pumpkins are goddamn delicious.

I don’t care about how much you think it tastes like a cat’s asshole, you’re wrong, and you’re  not entitled to your wrong opinion because it’s wrong and you don’t know anything about anything.

1) Have you ever tried Red Hots? How are they candy? How are you literally standing in front of me and telling me that Candy Corn is disgusting and still inferior to Red Hots because Red Hots are like eating the Sun. The only pleasure you get is by having completed the task, but not at all from enjoying the taste or flavor or appreciating life.

2) Have you ever eaten a Mounds? How is that even a concept that someone came up with? It’s a dustball of coconut sadness wrapped in what can only legally be called chocolate because it’s brown and once someone waved a Toblerone over it. It’s like getting punched in the mouth with lake water that vaguely hints at chocolate.

3) You mean to tell me you’d rather have a candy apple than a pile of just sugar? For real, who even looked at a fucking disgusting apple and said, “You know what would make this mushy ball of nothing taste good? Concrete and a stick shoved in it.” You’d rather be in pain gnawing through mortar to get to a fruit that no one cares about rather than eat a mess-free and non-jaw-locking handful of happiness?

Do you hate fun and life and everything good in the world?

I know you think you’re so superior not wanting to eat the bags of candy corn that old ladies give out or not wanting to sneak a handful when people use them as decor and candle-jar fillers but you do not understand what you are missing.

You are missing out on one of the Lord’s gifts of the season and you should be shamed for hating it.

You’re probably the weirdo who buys all those weird-wrapped strawberry candies that taste like bleach and Robitussin, so what the fuck do you even know.

You’re an asshole, and candy corn is fucking amazing.

Fuck you.

Mayor Gia October 27, 2013 at 8:19 pm

Um, concur. I blogged about this last week and last year. http://mayorgia.blogspot.com/2013/10/damnit-candy-corn.html I can’t quit you, candy corn!
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Noa October 28, 2013 at 7:41 pm

Fuck. Yes. Candy corn.

Aussa Lorens October 28, 2013 at 12:08 am

Yeah! I didn’t even realize people hated candy corn until the whole debate recently exploded on the interwebs. That’s what’s wrong with the internet– stupid people can share their stupid opinions.
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Noa October 28, 2013 at 7:42 pm

The internet: Someone will believe you here!

nadine October 28, 2013 at 8:20 am

i don’t shun people for their wrong candy choices. it only leaves more candy for me.
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Noa October 28, 2013 at 7:42 pm

That’s such an optimistic candy-shoveler point of view.

Starle October 28, 2013 at 10:45 am

Well, I guess someone has to eat that candy corn! Thank you! To this day I have my mother mail Red Hots and fire Ranchers to the UK for me to devour. YUM!
Starle recently posted..When it snows in England this year, Just blame the Badgers.

Noa October 28, 2013 at 7:43 pm

I bet you mix those demon candies with milk duds.

Roxie October 28, 2013 at 12:24 pm

I don’t really care one way or another about candy corn. I hate red hots, though, because they hurt my mouth, and pain is not a flavor.

Noa October 28, 2013 at 7:44 pm

I don’t know what it was, but “pain is not a flavor,” had me in tears.

Roxie October 30, 2013 at 9:04 am

Thank you for making this a favorite! :)

Celia October 28, 2013 at 1:15 pm

I’m not a big candy corn fan but I am a huge fan of your angry candy pride.

I think we can all agree that the only absolutely unacceptable variety of candy is circus peanuts a.k.a. orange diarrhea puffs.
Celia recently posted..My plan to save America

nadine October 28, 2013 at 1:50 pm

those were my dad’s favorite candy and I never understood it. i think it hearkens to a time when they didn’t invent taste or excitement yet.
nadine recently posted..Not the best segue

Noa October 28, 2013 at 7:45 pm

My grandad eats those with cashews by the scoop. I want do burn them, but I doubt their flammability.

Banana Stickers October 28, 2013 at 2:40 pm

Candy Corn fucks RedHots right in their nasty little buttholes.
Candy Corn rules so hard. My pancreas is swelling with joy just thinking about them.
Banana Stickers recently posted..Please Refrain From Hosing Me With Your Sickness Because I Am Not A Glittercorn

Noa October 28, 2013 at 7:51 pm

At first I was all, “YEAH!”
And then I kept reading and frowned quite a bit.

But still, fucking candy corn rules.

Lovelyn October 28, 2013 at 3:16 pm

Candy corn and red hots both suck a big one. I can’t eat either of them because I’m trying to eat all Paleo this week. On Halloween I’ll be eating some candy steak because everyone knows that’s what cavemen ate.
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Noa October 28, 2013 at 7:53 pm

I was all on board the Paleo train until they told me no candy. NOPE.

hoodyhoo October 28, 2013 at 6:14 pm

BUT… Candy corn (or “gobby” as it’s known in the Hop Household) MUST be orange, yellow and white. Other color combinations DAS VERBOTEN!!!
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Noa October 28, 2013 at 7:53 pm

The chocolate kind are legit super gross.

hoodyhoo October 28, 2013 at 7:10 pm

HOO Household… gawddammit!
hoodyhoo recently posted..Like, TOTALLY!

Noa October 28, 2013 at 7:54 pm

Goddamn chocolate candy corn trying to fuck your shit up.

Emz October 28, 2013 at 8:32 pm

If only all vegetables tasted like candy corn. My kid declared he does not like it which prompted DNA testing to see if he was switched at birth. Seriously, it’s sugar and artificial coloring. What’s not to like? It’s every breakfast cereal from the ’70s but without the milk. It restores my belief that there is a God.

Noa October 29, 2013 at 8:34 pm

If you put a bowl of Lucky Charms marshmallows and candy corn in front of me, I might fall in love.

Abby October 28, 2013 at 8:33 pm

Candy-corn-fangs = a great day.

Candy Pumpkins…. oh how I love them.

I have to go to the store…..

Noa October 29, 2013 at 8:35 pm

Grab me some.

Sarah October 28, 2013 at 11:27 pm

Candy corn is the bomb. But I also love the strawberry candies and red hots. I think my favorite candy for Halloween, though, are those peanut butter candies that are wrapped in orange or black wax paper. I love those things.
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Noa October 29, 2013 at 8:35 pm

I feel so betrayed.

Sarah October 29, 2013 at 9:33 pm

I’m so sorry.
Sarah recently posted..Drones

Bellum October 29, 2013 at 11:22 am

Candy corn can only be topped by the harvest mix, which is candy corn, different color candy corn, and the supreme ruler of all, candy pumpkins.

Noa October 29, 2013 at 8:36 pm

The harvest mix and its chocolate candy corn can go fuck itself.

The harvest mix not containing chocolate candy corn can get in my mouth.

Dana the Biped October 29, 2013 at 12:58 pm

Will I get judged for admitting here that I think Tootsie Rolls are absolutely disgusting? Because they are. They’re poo logs wrapped in greasy paper, and nopenopenope.
Dana the Biped recently posted..Man of My Dreams

Noa October 29, 2013 at 8:36 pm

THEY’RE SO FUCKING GROSS.

I don’t know how anyone eats those or those goddamn candy apple suckers. GROSS.

Sarah October 29, 2013 at 9:34 pm

Alright, now *I* feel betrayed. Those candy apple suckers changed my life.
Sarah recently posted..Drones

Shawna Lewis November 3, 2013 at 2:58 pm

My kids came home with ZERO candy corn pumpkins. In retaliation, next year, I will be handing out caramel dipped onions.
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