I’m Goddamn Delicious You Assholes

10/27/2013 · 36 comments

in What Is Wrong With You?

Hey

Fuck you

Candy Corn and Candy Pumpkins are goddamn delicious.

I don’t care about how much you think it tastes like a cat’s asshole, you’re wrong, and you’re  not entitled to your wrong opinion because it’s wrong and you don’t know anything about anything.

1) Have you ever tried Red Hots? How are they candy? How are you literally standing in front of me and telling me that Candy Corn is disgusting and still inferior to Red Hots because Red Hots are like eating the Sun. The only pleasure you get is by having completed the task, but not at all from enjoying the taste or flavor or appreciating life.

2) Have you ever eaten a Mounds? How is that even a concept that someone came up with? It’s a dustball of coconut sadness wrapped in what can only legally be called chocolate because it’s brown and once someone waved a Toblerone over it. It’s like getting punched in the mouth with lake water that vaguely hints at chocolate.

3) You mean to tell me you’d rather have a candy apple than a pile of just sugar? For real, who even looked at a fucking disgusting apple and said, “You know what would make this mushy ball of nothing taste good? Concrete and a stick shoved in it.” You’d rather be in pain gnawing through mortar to get to a fruit that no one cares about rather than eat a mess-free and non-jaw-locking handful of happiness?

Do you hate fun and life and everything good in the world?

I know you think you’re so superior not wanting to eat the bags of candy corn that old ladies give out or not wanting to sneak a handful when people use them as decor and candle-jar fillers but you do not understand what you are missing.

You are missing out on one of the Lord’s gifts of the season and you should be shamed for hating it.

You’re probably the weirdo who buys all those weird-wrapped strawberry candies that taste like bleach and Robitussin, so what the fuck do you even know.

You’re an asshole, and candy corn is fucking amazing.

Fuck you.

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