We Are Officially At DEFCON Herp

09/15/2013 · 15 comments

in Social Services,What Is Wrong With You?

There seems to be a thought among most humans that, one day in the future, everything will reach the peak of human perfection and the world will be made right. We’ll all be cyborgs who live forever and there will be no money or pain or hurt or inequality. The future will be a utopia of human progress!

That thought is wrong.

Humans are awful, and whenever we get a hold on something really good or fun or new, we immediately have to abuse it until everyone hates everything about it and everyone. We must turn all good things into diseases that we inflict upon ourselves and others.

We can’t get a cellphone and think they’re magic and worth respect, we think it’s a piece of shit and we drop and destroy them on purpose.
We can’t get vaccines and think that they’re magic and worth respect, we have to listen to Jenny Motherfuckin’ McCarthy and create measles epidemics.
We can’t get a nice dance and think that it is magic and worth respect, we have to twerk everything and everyone until I’m ready to kill myself.

It’s the same story every time we get something new.

At first it’s fun–something to fill your bar conversation lulls. You maybe see it on YouTube and think, “Hey, that’s pretty cool, I’ll send this to a couple of friends.” (DON’T SEND IT. Use your pop culture condom and hold that shit to yourself to prevent the spread of disease.)

Once you send it, you realize that you made a mistake. One week after you share, everyone everywhere has the same infection. It’s in your news, your work meetings, and your conversations with your mom.

Then, you enter the kill stage: people can’t stop making Miley Cyrus jokes and you listen to Fox News debate if twerking is causing abortions and poverty and you can’t stop wishing for death’s release from twerk vines.

Culture Herpes are a sometimes thing. Not everything can twerk. Not every joke has to be about Miley Cyrus. Not every Vine or video or ad or Disney Princess or tweet or bar joke or t-shirt or tattoo has to reference it for you to be cool. It’s okay to let it go, it’s okay to say no to twerking, or Gangnam Style, or YOLO, or Herpes (with the aid of medication).

So when you watch the news or read posts or talk to your friends, ask yourself, “Why is this world so bad? Why do we not have it all figured out despite the unbelievable advances we’ve made as a species?

It’s not just the bombs we create or the wars we start, we can’t even treat the good things we create nicely.

Like butts. And Jesus.

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Cassie: “Is it an internship?” This almost makes me feel better about the idiots I go to school with. Either that or it makes me feel worse about society. Or both.


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