We Are Officially At DEFCON Herp

09/15/2013 · 15 comments

in Social Services, What Is Wrong With You?

There seems to be a thought among most humans that, one day in the future, everything will reach the peak of human perfection and the world will be made right. We’ll all be cyborgs who live forever and there will be no money or pain or hurt or inequality. The future will be a utopia of human progress!

That thought is wrong.

Humans are awful, and whenever we get a hold on something really good or fun or new, we immediately have to abuse it until everyone hates everything about it and everyone. We must turn all good things into diseases that we inflict upon ourselves and others.

We can’t get a cellphone and think they’re magic and worth respect, we think it’s a piece of shit and we drop and destroy them on purpose.
We can’t get vaccines and think that they’re magic and worth respect, we have to listen to Jenny Motherfuckin’ McCarthy and create measles epidemics.
We can’t get a nice dance and think that it is magic and worth respect, we have to twerk everything and everyone until I’m ready to kill myself.

It’s the same story every time we get something new.

At first it’s fun–something to fill your bar conversation lulls. You maybe see it on YouTube and think, “Hey, that’s pretty cool, I’ll send this to a couple of friends.” (DON’T SEND IT. Use your pop culture condom and hold that shit to yourself to prevent the spread of disease.)

Once you send it, you realize that you made a mistake. One week after you share, everyone everywhere has the same infection. It’s in your news, your work meetings, and your conversations with your mom.

Then, you enter the kill stage: people can’t stop making Miley Cyrus jokes and you listen to Fox News debate if twerking is causing abortions and poverty and you can’t stop wishing for death’s release from twerk vines.

Culture Herpes are a sometimes thing. Not everything can twerk. Not every joke has to be about Miley Cyrus. Not every Vine or video or ad or Disney Princess or tweet or bar joke or t-shirt or tattoo has to reference it for you to be cool. It’s okay to let it go, it’s okay to say no to twerking, or Gangnam Style, or YOLO, or Herpes (with the aid of medication).

So when you watch the news or read posts or talk to your friends, ask yourself, “Why is this world so bad? Why do we not have it all figured out despite the unbelievable advances we’ve made as a species?

It’s not just the bombs we create or the wars we start, we can’t even treat the good things we create nicely.

Like butts. And Jesus.

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Cassie: “Is it an internship?” This almost makes me feel better about the idiots I go to school with. Either that or it makes me feel worse about society. Or both.
Mayor Gia September 16, 2013 at 6:33 am

Twerking is a good example because HOLY FUCK I AM TIRED OF HEARING ABOUT IT.
Mayor Gia recently posted..On Being Crazy

Noa September 17, 2013 at 8:24 pm

I’m so glad I’m not alone.

Dana the Biped September 16, 2013 at 11:55 am

Butts! Butts are fantastic! The crack is the perfect place for a dude, when cuddling as the big spoon, to rest his paddywhack.

To clarify, that’s not an anal joke.
Dana the Biped recently posted..I… I Don’t Even Know What This Is. But It Scares Me.

Noa September 17, 2013 at 8:32 pm

And we just have to ruin them with ill-fitting nude latex.

Molly Dugger Brennan September 16, 2013 at 1:33 pm

To quote my mother, . . .and this is why we can’t have nice things.

Allie September 16, 2013 at 1:35 pm

Lol our mothers are very similar!
Allie recently posted..TLC Presents: How did this Dude Trick Five Women into Marrying Him?

Noa September 17, 2013 at 8:33 pm

Goddamn you, other humans.

Allie September 16, 2013 at 1:34 pm

This is why we can’t have nice things.

Although, I have to admit that I rode twerking humor long and hard, not because I can actually move my ass in any way that would be considered rhythmic, but because it fascinates me. Like a car crash. But I vow to stop.

Allie recently posted..TLC Presents: How did this Dude Trick Five Women into Marrying Him?

Noa September 17, 2013 at 8:34 pm

Good twerking is fascinating. It’s fucking magical and should be encouraged.

But, just like painting, not everyone can twerk.

Misty September 16, 2013 at 1:52 pm

I have completely and totally refused to watch that clip of her on the VMAs, despite repeated receipt of said clip by email, text and homing pigeon. However, despite this refusal, I have seen it probably about a bajillionty times if I piece together every picture and referrence to it I have experienced in the past 2 weeks. Please, for the love of all that is holy STOP TALKING ABOUT IT. Won’t you please think of the children? And by children, I mean me.
Misty recently posted..A Comedy of Tragedies

Noa September 17, 2013 at 8:36 pm

The only one I watched was the one recut with Breaking Bad footage. Nothing like Schrader’s disbelieving face to really drive home that it was terrible.

Emz September 16, 2013 at 9:09 pm

Pumpkin….stop with the fuckin’ pumpkin already. Just because the leaves are changing and the days are getting shorter does not mean that everything we put in our mouths has to be made with or taste like pumpkin. Stop it. Right pumpkin now.

nadine September 17, 2013 at 3:19 pm

I tried Pumpkin Pie Soda and now I wish I was dead.
nadine recently posted..TV Confession: I don’t know what’s going on

Noa September 17, 2013 at 8:38 pm

I had pumpkin gum once. The only thing worse than pumpkin flavor is pumpkin flavor that lasts.

Noa September 17, 2013 at 8:37 pm


Goddamn it, pumpkin is gross as fuck, and now it’s everywhere. You can’t even eat fries without a pumpkin flavor. Stop it. Stop making everything taste like dry sadness for 2 whole months.

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