Joke-Off: Terrible Premises For Haunted Houses

09/24/2013 · 20 comments

in Joke Off

Haunted Houses get weirder and weirder every year. Some are weird and religious, like the anti-everything Pentecostal one here in Dallas. Some are weird and horrifying, like the one that simulates rape and makes you sit alone in a room with a bucket of something awful for a half hour or so in Los Angeles. Some are weird and weird, like that one I went to 5 years ago that was anti-vegan for some reason, and featured a lot of trees running at your face.

It was the most hilarious experience of my life.

If they’re gonna be weird, they might as well commit, you know? Comment below to add to the list!

Joke-Off: Terrible Premises For Haunted Houses

  • The Dangers Of Working Out With P-90X
  • DickFear
  • The Frightful World Of Disney’s Sexist Storytelling
  • Teenage Mutant Ninja Everything In Your Home
  • You Are Your Mother
  • Being An Adult Means Knowing What You’re Doing
  • This Is How Sausage Is Made
  • Every 4th Person Has Recently Masturbated
  • Pinterest Hair Tutorials
  • Your Browser History Read Aloud To An Audience
  • What Your Life Could Have Been
  • The Thing You See At Night When You Turn Out The Lights
  • Picking Out Tile In Home Depot
  • The Walls Are Made Of Velvet (My own personal Hell)
  • You Accidentally Shared The Porn You Were Watching On Facebook
  • There Is No Wi-Fi Anymore
  • Catcall Hallway
  • Where Did The Cat Pee Smell Originate
  • You Have To Eat From The Car Seat
  • Positive Pregnancy Test
  • Responsibilities
  • A Bunch of Pin-Ups Of Gorgeous Movie Stars But We Pasted Estelle Getty Over The Genitals
  • Call The Power Company And Dispute Your Bill
  • Where Did That Baby Crib Come From
  • Netflix Is Down Forever
  • Everything Is Free In Target, But It’s All Poison
  • Assemble This IKEA Shelf With 1 Piece Missing
  • Puzzles N Electroshock
  • Small Talk Labyrinth
  • Sanctimommy Shout-Chatter
  • Everything You Believe Is True But The Opposite
  • Water The Lawn With Just A Cup
  • This Tomagotchi Is Dying
  • All Your Dreams Are Right And You Didn’t Show Up For Class And You Failed It
  • Loose Children Everywhere
All you bitches from the comments on Monday’s post win. Fuck mental illness. Fuck PTSD. Hell Yes community of badass people who want to help one another. 
Celia September 24, 2013 at 9:01 pm

-Is That a Booger?
-The Hall of Animal Buttholes
-15 Men Critiquing Your Breasts
-Bacne Manor
-Moms with Kids with Nut Allergies Yelling at You About Nut Allergies
Celia recently posted..The 90′s weren’t always that great, Buzzfeed. Pt. II and some other stuff

Todd September 24, 2013 at 10:01 pm
Todd September 24, 2013 at 9:41 pm

Your Uncles Arguing About Their Favorite Brand of Ham
Todd recently posted..Random thoughts from the mall food court…

Todd September 24, 2013 at 10:06 pm

-Your morning face is your Facebook profile pic, everyday.

-Watching your Aunt Martha’s bridge club for 2 hours, except they’re jogging nude.

-the walls are plastered with lifesize photos of you blowdrying your crack

-You, locked in a room, with a grill brush and a raging yeast infection
Todd recently posted..Random thoughts from the mall food court…

Mayor Gia September 24, 2013 at 10:09 pm

You’re in a live action 50 Shades of Grey
Mayor Gia recently posted..#$&@#! You, Apple

Bill G. September 25, 2013 at 9:25 pm

Kill me now! Haha, good one.

Holly September 24, 2013 at 10:50 pm

-All of Your Exes are Friends
-What Just Landed on Your Head?
-You’re Late for Work and the Coffee Place is Jam-Packed
-Freaky Friday: You’ve Switched Bodies with Your 90 Year Old Grandmother
-Where is that Bottle of Drano and Why is the Dog Licking its Cops?

new here, you’re hilarious and awesome :)
Holly recently posted..How (I have to assume) my mother thinks

Bill G. September 25, 2013 at 9:27 pm

I like these!

– Freaky Friday: You’ve switched bodies with your numbnut supervisor that thinks his truck is the coolest, everybody hates him, and he’s boffing the cleaning lady.

Noa September 26, 2013 at 12:18 am

Uh, YOU’RE hilarious and awesome. Welcome.

Josh H D September 24, 2013 at 11:23 pm

All the people you probably gave STI’s to.

Jen September 25, 2013 at 2:06 pm

I love you so damned hard, Josh.
Jen recently posted..My Week In Texts: My Friends Are Magical

Cheryl S. September 25, 2013 at 9:58 am

The cockroach room.
You have food poisoning. There is no bathroom.
The hall of other people’s vacation photos

Bill G. September 25, 2013 at 9:28 pm

You’re in touch with true evil.

Dana the Biped September 25, 2013 at 12:18 pm

Public Bathrooms – And bobbing for urinal blocks!
Sixth Grade Sex Ed – All the STDs
Count all the live spiders
Childbirth Horror Stories
Tax Audit Terror
Maze of Japanese Vending Machines!
Twihards
10,000 Ticking Clocks
Everything the NSA Knows About You
Painful Puns
Your Job
Poop. Just lots and lots of poop.
Find Your Way Through the Hoarder’s Dream House!
Only Jesus Can Save You Now
The Miley Cyrus Experience
Waiting for pregnancy test results

(On a side note, I’m sort of afraid of how quickly these ideas all hit me. Also, I think I just accidently discovered a legitimate deep-seated fear of clocks.)
Dana the Biped recently posted..Office Supplies. They Matter.

Bill G. September 25, 2013 at 9:29 pm

Damn, there’s no point in me posting anything. But I’m breaking my ass laughing at these!

Misty September 25, 2013 at 2:18 pm

What hot dogs are actually made of.

Walking in on your parents having sex . . . now.

Getting a contact stuck up inside your eye and not being able to find it for the life of you.

Trying on bathing suits on the 50 yard line of the Super Bowl.

Being in a locked room with all of your significant other’s exes.

Having to hear the word TWERKING ever again.

Your mother in law critiquing your cooking and parenting skills.
Misty recently posted..Weekly Whacked: Bike Week

Liz Rosema September 25, 2013 at 3:43 pm

You have to sleep in your jeans forever.
Tiny germs that might be on your toothbrush.
The twitch you’ve developed means you could have rare diseases.
Disney Channel is your life.
Go to the bank.
All the junk mail in the world comes to your house.
Only eat stinky cheese.
Be an adult.
A world without chocolate.
Liz Rosema recently posted..I have some strange wishes.

Johi Kokjohn-Wagner September 25, 2013 at 3:58 pm

The return of SmallPox
Dieting, PMSing women locked in a windowless room
Murder She Wrote Marathon
All Rollerskates, all the time (that’s my personal hell)
Zombie Boy Bands on repeat
Johi Kokjohn-Wagner recently posted..I Am Not Your Maid

Cate September 25, 2013 at 5:06 pm

webmd diagnosis
twilight movies on a loop
mother asking why you won’t make her a grandmother already

Emz September 25, 2013 at 9:40 pm

Free All-You-Can-Eat Pixie Stix at LEGOLAND on a Saturday
House of 1000 Violinists Who’ve Had Only 3 Lessons
Hall of Mirrors And In Every One Your Hair Looks Like Carrot Top’s
Earwax Museum
Nursing Home Pedicures

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