Joke-Off: Better Actor/Actress Choices For 50 Shades Of Grey

09/03/2013 · 16 comments

in Joke Off

Charlie Hunnam was announced as the actor for Christian Grey for the unbelievably actually-happening 50 Shades of Grey movie. Y’know, this guy:

Esquire UK

From Sons of Anarchy and Pacific Rim. The only way I’m okay with this is the fact that I’ll just pretend he’s a Jaeger Pilot and this is just a one-night stand.

But whatever, he needs money, and we all know this movie will make about $400 Billion goddamn dollars. There have to be some better actor choices though, right? Put your submissions into the comments below, and we’ll vote for a winner tomorrow!

Joke-Off: Better Actor/Actress Choices For 50 Shades Of Grey

  • Christian: Arnold Schwarzenegger from Predator
  • Anastasia: Lucille #2 from Arrested Development
  • Christian: Idris Elba, just overall
  • Christian: A Kaiju from Pacific Rim
  • Christian: Michael Scott from The Office
  • Anastasia: Amy Poehler
  • Anastasia: A Frozen Waffle Left Untoasted
  • Christian: Colin Firth Not In A Sweater
  • Christian: Severus Snape
  • Christian: Pennywise from IT
  • Anastasia: An unlit but partially melted candle
  • C & A: Jim and Pam
  • C & A: Ernie Hudson and Slimer
  • C & A: Ellen Ripley and Han Solo
  • Christian: Fat Albert
  • Christian: Bill Cosby
  • Anastasia: Clarissa (Who Explained It All)
  • Anastasia: A fart in a mailbox
  • Christian: The Asshole Cop From The Green Mile Who Married Courtney Stodden
  • Anastasia: Courtney Stodden
  • C & A: Fred and Daphne
  • C & A: Shaggy and Velma
  • C & A: Shaggy and A Sandwich
  • C & A: The Doctor and Madea
  • C & A: Ronald McDonald and Grimace
  • C & A: Fred Rogers and Lambchop
  • Christian: A Squishy Pickle
  • Christian: Matt Foley
  • Anastasia: The Target Lady (“A DILDO!”)
  • C & A: Patton Oswalt and Taylor Swift
Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Dana The Biped: Serious observation here: Slytherin’s mascot is a snake, and that makes sense. Ravenclaw’s is a raven, and that makes sense. Gryffindor’s is a lion, not a griffin, because fuck you, they’re Gryffindor! And Hufflepuff’s mascot is a badger, which has nothing to do with their house name whatsoever, but never mind, marshmallows are yummy! 
Bill G. September 3, 2013 at 8:31 pm

I’m not sure, but Herve Villechaize would’ve made an excellent Batman.

Todd September 3, 2013 at 9:53 pm

C&A: CGI Flip Wilson and Dana Carvey as The Church Lady
C&A: CGI Flip Wilson and Flip Wilson in drag

Anastasia: that last pair of undies at the bottom of the drawer you only wear if you’re out of laundry, though sometimes you go commando to avoid them altogether

Christian: Robert Goulet, edited together from various Christmas specials from the 70’s. GOULET.
Todd recently children’s night time story ever

Mayor Gia September 3, 2013 at 9:56 pm

C&A: Ohhh I can’t even muster up enough fucks to give about 50shades to participate in this joke off. HOW IS THIS GOING TO BE A REAL GODDAMN MOVIE?!?!
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Devon September 4, 2013 at 10:09 am

Hallelujah! Can I get an A-men!!

Bill G. September 3, 2013 at 11:23 pm

Actors/actresses chosen for 50 Shades of Grey movie–and not a single fuck was given here.

Tabitha Crow September 4, 2013 at 9:23 am

I totally agree with Gia and Bill. I haven’t read the books and will not see the movie. I *do* like the chick they cast. Well, I liked that goofy show Ben & Kate that only lived half a season.

On a related note, can you believe they have started a freaking petition to get the movie recast???!
Tabitha Crow recently posted..The One In Which I Pack Up All Our Stuff And Haul It To…….

Roxie September 4, 2013 at 9:58 am

C & A Ellen and Portia

Roxie September 4, 2013 at 9:59 am

C & A Dorothy and Rose (Golden Girls)

Roxie September 4, 2013 at 10:20 am

C & A Jo and Blair (Facts of Life)

Roxie September 4, 2013 at 10:22 am

C & A Tigger and Pooh

Roxie September 4, 2013 at 11:26 am

C & A Patrick and SpongeBob

Bellum September 4, 2013 at 11:41 am

C & A – Bert and Ernie
C & A – Flo from Progressive and the Aflac duck

Kelly September 4, 2013 at 1:57 pm

Gilligan and Jan Brady

I haven’t read more than the first three pages of the first book, but from what I hear, the following could work for Anastasia:

The crusty part of the squeeze cheeze before the undried stuff comes out.
Tepid water.
The opposite of an Altoid.
A spoon.
Amanda Bynes – medicated.
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Todd September 4, 2013 at 2:22 pm

C – the Old Spice commercial guy
A – also the Old Spice commercial guy, but somehow less hairy
Todd recently children’s night time story ever

Janene September 4, 2013 at 2:33 pm

A: is Rhianna available? I hear she likes to go with men who are “in control”
C: is Chris Brown available? I hear he likes to show he’s in control….

Oh wait. That one already played out. Hmm, well played, Real Life ™. Well played.

ColinP September 4, 2013 at 4:55 pm

C – The guy from the ‘Most Interesting Man in the World’ dos equis commercials
A – Kim Kardashian
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