Joke-Off: Apocalypse Typse For The Rest Of US

09/17/2013 · 8 comments

in Joke Off

Lately, I’ve been searching for a lot of disaster survival tips/articles/checklists/etc on Pinterest. Having survived a couple of house fires I thought I had a good handle on it, but about a half a minute into reading one pin, I realized how fucking little I knew. So many foods to buy and stoves and tents and more than an absurd amount of tarps and apparently condoms (?!), and I am not about that life and loss of closet space.

So, like a champ, I gave up.

This means I’m gonna be among the first to die in the apocalypse, and I am fucking fine with it as long as I can not spend my evenings canning and darning socks.

So, for those of us who are lazy and don’t really care if they live or die, here are some tips for the Apocalypse. Add yours into the comments below!

Joke-Off: Apocalypse Typse For The Rest Of US

  • When the zombies make their debut, just off yourself
  • If you have small children, they can be traded for food and other necessities
  • Don’t have clean water? Vodka will do
  • When in doubt, just do it like Shaun Of The Dead
  • Leave your car in the road in front of your house to slow down other cars and make it easier to steal from them
  • Prostitution is never out of the question
  • You’re not gonna make it, so just sit on your couch
  • You can trade for food by trying to kill other people and just taking theirs
  • If the world ends by Nuclear blast, why are you even trying to survive?
  • When the rapture comes, do you really want to go to the same place Kirk Cameron is?
  • To bide your time until you run out of food, throw rocks at passersby. No one can stop you now!
  • You’re gonna die anyway, so loot your closest Mall and be a fashionable corpse
  • People will always need strippers!
  • Arson is legal in the apocalypse–fun for the whole family!
  • In matters of first aid, realize that it’s probably pointless anyway!
  • When traveling with a group of people to a save haven, remember that Marauders are pretty open to sexual propositions
  • Fill one room of your house with food. It’ll be a fun surprise for the people who find your body when you die from the flu
  • Stop exercising immediately. That shit is for the nonapocalypse
  • Burn all your tax documents for light and warmth
  • Money is no good anymore, but you know what is? HJ’s.
  • Local Bronies are easy targets for food, supplies, and potential manservants
  • Wash your face in the blood of your enemies for a quick apocalypse acne treatment
  • No bra? Who the fuck cares? Let them bitches go
  • A bicycle is an extremely effective apocalypse vehicle, but you’ll look like such a fucking hipster
  • Kraft Mac N Cheese never goes bad
  • For home defense, just lay down and cry because you don’t even have a gun
  • Raid your local Starbucks for addicts in withdrawal. They carry warm boots and scarves on the regular!
  • You can eat pretty much whatever you find on the ground, because you’re not gonna make it anyway
  • Even if you have plenty of food, cats are totally delicious and assholes so they totally deserve it
  • Entertain yourself and your family by staging Zombie fights in your garage, because sure!
  • If your town comes under siege by North Korea, it’s not that big of a fucking deal because all their shit is old. Just wait it out!
Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Nadine: I tried Pumpkin Pie Soda and now I wish I was dead.
Todd September 17, 2013 at 10:05 pm

one word: JAZZERCISE

Mayor Gia September 18, 2013 at 6:36 am

Get rid of all the judgmental people, then eat your feelings
Mayor Gia recently posted..Halloween Costume Idea 2: Vampire Gia

Will George, Humor Parasite September 18, 2013 at 7:27 am

At least there’s good eating. Cockroaches are abundant and rich in fiber. And burrowing through your flesh

nadine September 18, 2013 at 1:47 pm

Hole up in an Ikea. Plenty of meatballs, comfy beds and a confusing maze to thwart unwanted visitors.
nadine recently posted..TV Confession: I don’t know what’s going on

Misty September 18, 2013 at 2:06 pm

Run TOWARDS the zombies. You are way too fat to outrun them anyway.

Orgies. Because . . . who’s gonna judge?

Tell all those assholes what you really think of them. You’ll be dead within a week.

Do all the drugs. Drink all the booze. OD like a champ!
Misty recently posted..The Quest to Fall Out

Kelly September 18, 2013 at 2:50 pm

Stock up on duct tape. You don’t want to be the zombie that has random body parts falling off.

You may just find your prince. After all, Snow White was dead in a glass box, and you’re going to be a member of the living dead soon, so keep your dead eyes peeled for that white horse.

Now is the time to try out that new look you were going for. No one is going to give two shits about your cellulite when you’re trying to eat their face.

Tell your lenders what you really think about them? FUCK YOU, CHASE BANK, I’M A ZOMBIE.
Kelly recently posted..She can be taught! Installment Uno!

Todd September 18, 2013 at 3:04 pm

Have your buddy bludgeon you to death with your iPhone, because once the internet and cell towers are down, you’ll be glad you’re iDead.
Todd recently posted..Random thoughts from the mall food court…

Bellum September 18, 2013 at 6:11 pm

Shout “WOLVERINES!!!” And then run off. Laugh at all the people following you, because they think you have a safe haven, then steal their shoes.

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