Your Pillow Is Stuffed With Imitation Down and Lies

08/25/2013 · 27 comments

in Social Services

The media–despite how influential it is on our lives–feeds us a lot of lies. We know that not all our teenagers are using battery acid to get butt-high and not all of our dogs are coke-mules (though mine is a meth dealer). Yet, the media shapes the way we look at our beauty and ourselves and even more fucked-up, it changes the way we look at our relationships.

I have found this relationship destruction via-media in its most disgusting form.

This is how the media would have you believe married couples sleep, in that blissful time before you have kids to fuck up your bed and your home and your marriage:


Look at them, snuggling together and sleeping so peacefully. Why, I bet they fell asleep to the sound of one another’s heartbeats after an evening filled with love-making and much wine and cheese eating.


Have you ever slept on your stomach? You know the number one enemy to stomach sleeping? Drooling.

Yeah, it ain’t pretty, but it’s all fuckin’ true. By minute 15 of sleeping in the above position, in real life this bitch would have slathered him in a healthy coating of her own gullet-lube. Romance. Her other arm, the one she has to be sleeping on, is held in one of three places:

1. The Man-iquet: Her arm is under him and now her arm is bloodless and black and dead
2. Dream Nazi: Straight up under the pillow in a salute which will be impossible to untangle and will dislocate her shoulder
3. Mary Kathryn Gallagher: T-Rexed up under her bottom tit and in his armpit, so if she moves she tickles him and then he sleep-punches her.

No one, not anyone at all, sleeps like this for more than 12 seconds.


Even in a stock-photo shoot, where this model is paid to look happy, he cannot hide the grimace of screaming neck agony from his face. He’s caught between lying back comfortably or moving forward onto her, crushing her and also shoving her face in the pillow and putting her out of her own misery of all-white linens. You know what body position he’s taken on for this stupid fucking picture?


The First Aid Recovery Position, designed to keep you from asphyxiating on your own vomit. Magical.


“But NOA,” I hear you cry. “There is a body position where everyone can be happy and still snuggle! Little Spoon!”

Get the fuck out right now. Pack your shit, bring an air mattress, and you get the fuck right out.

Not only do you have to deal with the furnace-back situation that every partner I’ve ever had seems to possess (is their spine an entrance to Hell?), but you have to deal with a phenomenon that no one prepares you for until it happens.

Night farts.

Yes, my friend, this is what I lovingly call the Fart Pocket. You’re laying there all snuggly, trying not to burn to death, and then you feel a whoosh of steamy air round your thighs. Night farts–the uncontrollable, unknowable demon that ruins relationships and very nice sheets.

Two people feel asleep snuggling once and stayed that way all night and do you know what happened to them?


They died.

It’s time to stop perpetuating the lies, time to stop pretending that every couple sleeps like this and is happy and has both their arms. It’s just not the truth. It’s time to start showing reality, showing how we really sleep and manage in the real world.


Bill G. August 25, 2013 at 8:49 pm

Ah the Fart Pocket (a.k.a. Dutch oven).

Noa August 27, 2013 at 4:10 pm

The fart pocket is more personal. It wafts around your nethers for too long.

Bill G. August 28, 2013 at 3:41 pm

Ah!! That explains it. Hot Pockets!!

Todd August 25, 2013 at 11:10 pm

I love my wife, but I simply CANNOT CUDDLE. I twitch in fidgety misery ’til we move. I always thought that was going to send me to hell. Not really a problem for the last 8 years because we have kids in our bed, and they won’t leave. Sometimes one of the boys cuddles with me, and it melts my crusty old heart – but I can’t sleep ’til they wiggle off of me
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Noa August 27, 2013 at 4:21 pm

All I have is a dog, who I don’t mind tossing off the bed because she’s a fuzzy furnace and I just can’t deal

Mayor Gia August 26, 2013 at 6:55 am

Bahha pretty much. If Boyfriend is over we’ll cuddle for a few minutes and then go to opposite ends of the bed, facing away from each other. Cuz we romantic like that.
Mayor Gia recently posted..I Didn’t Have Air Conditioning and It Was Bullshit

Bill G. August 26, 2013 at 8:12 pm

That’s how it works in my bed. I think everybody’s like that.

Cheryl S. August 26, 2013 at 8:22 am

You need a picture of one person on one side of the bed and the other person WAAAY over on the other side of the bed with a huge gulf in the middle My hubby sweats in his sleep, so I don’t want him anywhere near me! Plus, if we snuggled, the dog and/or cats and/or kid would get pissed because they couldn’t sneak in between us in the middle of the night!

Janene August 26, 2013 at 10:26 am

I knew that boyfriend and I were comfortable with each other when we both let out those large rip-snorting morning farts and didn’t blink an eye. In fact, I think his comment was, “Oh, so you’re okay with morning farts? That’s such a relief.” Then he let out the biggest and longest fart I’ve ever heard.

Noa August 27, 2013 at 4:29 pm

Truest love.

Roxie August 26, 2013 at 10:27 am

Back to back, one arm under your own pillow, the other on your own side.

Dana the Biped August 26, 2013 at 12:04 pm

True fact: On one of our first dates, I fell asleep on the Dude and drooled ALL OVER him. I could wipe the drool off my cheek, but I couldn’t wipe away my shame.

Luckily, he’s a nurse. He assured me he’s had way grosser bodily fluids on him. So there’s that.
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Noa August 27, 2013 at 4:32 pm

That, and farting on stage, are my two biggest nightmares.

Jaime August 26, 2013 at 2:05 pm

I can’t STAND sleeping face to face with someone… so that really only leaves me with 1 sleeping position if he’s facing me.

Misty August 26, 2013 at 2:36 pm

Oh my god, the hubs and I were just talking about this shit last night! He’s a Cuddler. I’m a For the Love of All That’s Good and Holy, don’t you dare lay a finger on me while we are cohabitating in a horizontal position and attempting unconsciousness together, or I will lose my shit.

You wouldn’t think it, but surprisingly, we actually work. As long as he doesn’t fucking touch me in bed.
Misty recently posted..Things to See, People to Do . . .

Lovelyn August 26, 2013 at 2:53 pm

So true. Florida is way too hot for all that cuddling nonsense.
Lovelyn recently posted..Life Without Internet is Like Stabbing Myself in the Eye with a Pencil

Noa August 27, 2013 at 4:36 pm

Ditto fo Texas. I keep my house cold as fuck just so I can sleep under a sheet without dying, much less a man-cover.

Jen August 26, 2013 at 7:51 pm

That’s why I never let them stay the night. Fuck that noise. Take care of business like a good boy, then I’m going to pin your mittens to your coat, send you home, and I’m going to lay in the middle of the bed eating Funyuns and watching ‘Project Runway’.
Jen recently posted..Reason #463 Why I’m Glad I Have Boys

Bill G. August 26, 2013 at 11:11 pm

I heard that. I’ll go home and watch World Extreme Cagefighting and everybody’s happy.

Noa August 27, 2013 at 4:16 pm

I never realized how satisfying it is to have a bed all to yourself until I got married. Every business trip he goes on, I’m starfished in the middle of that shit like a queen.

Bill G. August 28, 2013 at 3:46 pm

Hell yes, and it works both ways. When I’m on a business trip, I’m starfished on the big hotel bed at the Marriott happier than a pig in shit.

Emz August 26, 2013 at 10:03 pm

That is the awesome thing about king sized beds….you “meet” at mid-court to “shake hands” then retreat to your respective sides for the rest of the night. You know what else kills snuggling? Full face CPAP machines. Seriously. Google it. It’s like sleeping with Darth Vadar only without the sexy black cape.

Bill G. August 26, 2013 at 11:12 pm

If you both got them, then what time is it? Time for dual-CPAP sex.

Noa August 27, 2013 at 4:20 pm

The few times we’ve had the luxury of a king bed, it was like sleeping in Heaven. I might buy a house just to have enough room for one.

Valerie August 27, 2013 at 6:31 am

I tried cuddling once. Then I grew the fuck up.


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Karisa Tells All August 27, 2013 at 3:26 pm

My husband and I were going to come up with a list of rules for a successful marriage, but the only one we could think of was “Only the big spoon is allowed to fart.” It’s a pretty solid rule. And I’m not allowed to be the little spoon anymore.
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Scarlett August 28, 2013 at 9:10 am

Haha oh god it’s SO TRUE! x
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