That’s How You Get Wrinkle-Eye

08/11/2013 · 13 comments

in Deeply Shameful Self Promotion, What Is Wrong With You?

I have a few simple rules at my house.

  • Push in your chair
  • Close the door
  • Refill the Q-Tips
  • Don’t leave your water laying around because the cats never learn
  • No farting during serious conversations
  • No more run-by moonings during Skype calls, because that’s how you break your dick
  • You can’t wear a shirt and no pants
  • We do not respond to texts referencing our friend’s children’s genitals for any and all reasons
  • When we brush our teeth, we do the toothpaste dance
  • You can’t complain about being sick if you refuse to take medicine
  • We do not engage with homeopathic medicine practitioners
  • We no longer accept strange statues onto our yards
  • You cannot eat my cookies
  • I can eat your cookies
  • The side table goes there because I fucking want that table there
  • The toilet lid is always down because the cat is too dumb not to drown in it
  • Rubberbands go in a locked box in a cabinet because the cat almost died gorging on them
  • When a wasp enters a room, that room becomes an immediate gas chamber
  • You cannot keep or wear boxers that have holes in them large enough for your dick to roam outside the fabric
  • We never turn away Girl Scouts selling cookies
  • But you cannot eat my Thin Mints
  • You are the only one who can buy cat litter and dog food because the bags are heavy as fuck and fuck up my shoulder
  • You’re not allowed to leave the room when your mother pulls out a photo album
  • I’m not allowed to leave the room if my cousins corner you for a ‘beer and a chat’
  • I’m not allowed to ‘fuck anyone up’ for wearing clothing I deem inappropriate
  • If we’re hungry for anger, no one is allowed to speak with us
  • The person who needs the least amount of sprinkler relocations to water the yard wins everything
  • You must ventilate the room when reheating anything with sauerkraut and also send me written notification

And last, but certainly not least:

THERE ARE TO BE NO BALLS AT EYE-LEVEL

Doesn’t that seem like a simple rule? For a while, it was not so at my house. There were balls to be had at any level and on any surface until I set some goddamn rules while crying naked in the shower and shouting them at my husband through the bathroom door.

I’m a sad person, but that’s a fucking funny story. Also, it’s published in the new book from In The Powder RoomYou Have Lipstick On Your Teeth, And Other Things You’ll Only Hear From Your Friends In the Powder Room. I’m in there with people who are actually talented, which is why it’s so baffling that they A) Let me contribute and B) Allowed the first time I’ve ever been published to be about my husband’s balls. There is no end to my majesty.

It’s cheap and funny and there are so many amazing essays in there that you’re gonna shit if you don’t get it. You’ll shit if you do, too. The book has no laxative qualities that I am aware of. Unless you were to shit yourself reading it. Man, I am amazing at promotional work.

You can buy the book on Kindle or in paperback on Amazon, and it’ll be like an internet version of sucking my dick if I had one.

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Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Dana The Biped: Dear Karisa, You manage to look cute with a spoon in your mouth, in a photo of you with creepy not-Barbies, and falling off a chair. I can’t manage to look decent without those things. Would you mind very much if I hated you a little bit for that?
Mayor Gia August 12, 2013 at 9:08 am

Ha! Mine are mostly french fry related. If you bring french fries into my home, I WILL be eating theml.
Mayor Gia recently posted..Student Loans are Bullshit

Janene August 12, 2013 at 11:39 am

Men – if you use the toilet in my home, put the seat down. Otherwise, your gonads will subject to the mini guillotine I have hidden in my home.

Dana the Biped August 12, 2013 at 1:37 pm

There’s just one rule in my home: Don’t pee on my dog. You’d be surprised how often this rule is (almost) broken. Fortunately, despite being an amputee, she’s pretty quick to utilize her escape routes.

If only that didn’t mean someone was peeing on my floor instead.
Dana the Biped recently posted..Life As I Know It Is Over, and It’s About To Be Your Fault

Abby August 12, 2013 at 1:56 pm

I just don’t let people in my house. It solves that problem.

And as for the book, I wish I had known how racy you ladies were getting. I would have added more genitalia into my piece, as now I look like the nun among all the cool girls who put out. Sigh…I can’t wait to read you story when I DO get my book. And I promise to not eat your cookies (especially if “cookies” is code for something else, as at this point I just can’t be sure.)
Abby recently posted..Added Value

Allie August 12, 2013 at 2:03 pm

Congratulations! Not only for getting published for the first time (of many, I’m sure) but for it being about your husband’s balls. Solid work, Noa.

Now, I’m off to read about your husband’s balls, which I think that might make us Sister Wives!
Allie recently posted..Why are you Talking in Acronyms? The Joys of Dealing with Teenagers.

Misty August 12, 2013 at 2:40 pm

Congrats and stuff. And really, was there ever any doubt that your first published work would be about balls? Methinks not!
Misty recently posted..I Hate You!

hollow tree ventures August 13, 2013 at 7:29 am

My copy just came, and now I know for sure I won’t be reading the essays in order. **flips to Noa’s chapter** Luckily, you and your husband’s balls are right up near the front, nice and handy.
hollow tree ventures recently posted..I Finally Have Lipstick on My Teeth

Kim at Let Me Start By Saying August 13, 2013 at 7:29 am

I like your house rules better than mine.
Kim at Let Me Start By Saying recently posted..Summing Up My Week… (07/28/13-08/11/13)

Amy - Funny is Family August 13, 2013 at 7:30 am

I’m blowing you right now. I’ve done it like four times this week. DO NOT tell my husband I’m capable of that kind of fellatio schedule.

Being in this book with you and the other smart and funny women is such an honor for me. Kind of like going on a date with that super cool upperclassman. That probably explains all the bjs.
Amy – Funny is Family recently posted..The List That Practically Begged To Be Made Fun Of

HouseTalkN August 13, 2013 at 8:34 am

I read your piece last night and I roared. I started sending screen shots to my friends, “Have you freaking read this one, yet?” Hilarious.

Stephanie August 15, 2013 at 7:38 pm

Just a few of my house rules:

Don’t leave out anything you don’t want the puppy to destroy.

Don’t feed the dog table food. Ever. I mean it. Ever.

If I’m being a major bitch, you need a nap, not me. Obviously.

Let me eat breakfast alone and in peace, or the day goes to hell.

Do not install ANYTHING on my computer. I don’t care if my computer will run better. I don’t care how cool it is. Don’t touch my computer. (This after my computer-savvy husband wiped out my email contacts. Twice.)

Karisa Tells All August 16, 2013 at 12:30 pm

“because that’s how you break your dick” is the best reason for anything
Karisa Tells All recently posted..WTF are Cheese Curds?

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