Sometimes everything is going to be a fucking piece of shit.
You’re going to fuck everything up. And for a long time (not in reality, but will feel like forever to you), you’re going to keep fucking up. Keep saying the wrong things, doing the wrong things. And you will live each and every minute wondering why you’re such a fuck-up. Why do you do these stupid things? Why do you never get it right? Why do you even exist if this is what you do?
Those terrible thoughts and feelings are gonna bleed into the rest of your life. Work will suffer. Relationships will suffer. Your hair will suffer. My salad preparation skills suffer immensely, and that depresses me even more.
The hardest part of these moments of drowning in humiliating hindsight is the fact that you have to keep living. You must go to work, see friends and family, eat, and live in the world. As much as you would like to sit in the dark forever and ever and remind yourself that you are the worst person in the world (in your head), you can’t stop those thoughts.
It’s in this moment that you have a choice. You can Black Out: stop living and live in the hollows of anger and self-loathing and frustration and humiliation forever. You’ll stop eating well or taking showers or sleeping normally. Black-Outs take the problems that you have and extend them to everything and take the remaining good from you.
Or, you can Rally Hard.
Every time, let that choice be to Rally Hard. Rallying is nothing more than realizing when you’re in the downward decline of something horrible and doing something about it. When you realize that you may start a grease fire, stop the fire. When you realize you may have said something bad to a friend, apologize and try to understand why you would have said something like that. When depression and anxiety and for me OCD and a host of other awful things start to take hold, go get help. Look at your situation, and take any step you can to move forward in tackling it. Own your situation, and Rally.
Rallying can be little–learning to be on time to places because you’ve developed a harmful pattern. It can be big–learning to talk to a therapist when you are getting dangerously out of control. It can be about anything at all, as long as you are working on the things you want to change in your life. Rally small, Rally big, just fucking Rally Hard.
As long as you’re Rallying, you’re winning the war on the awful. It doesn’t matter if it takes a day or your entire life, at least you were working. At least you were giving it Hell. At least you looked at your life and refused to let your own psyche bring you down forever. If you’re Rallying, you’re saying to yourself that there is an end to the awful that’s happening to and by you, that you believe something good is on the other end of you learning to improve yourself and your situation.