Joke-Off: Wholly Inappropriate First Birthday Party Themes

08/27/2013 · 30 comments

in Joke Off

My niece’s first birthday is coming up soon, and my mom and sister are busy picking out napkins and plates and cupcakes and other assorted nonsense for a baby.

I, being the hateful and dark-hearted person that I am, cannot just jump on board and be happy like a normal person. This is the conversation Grace and I had:

Grace: Well, I decided what the first birthday party theme will be.
Noa: The futility of life?
Grace: I sense a joke-off coming.
Noa: Correct.

The theme she actually chose is adorable and baby appropriate, but I’m still holding out hope that I can sway her into a better theme. Shall we try? Add your submissions into the comments below–we’ll vote tomorrow!

Joke-Off: Wholly Inappropriate First Birthday Party Themes

  • My Little Internet Predator
  • We Stole You
  • Law and Order: SVU
  • Leviticus
  • The Functions Of A Post Office
  • The Patriarchy Means You’ll Never Get Paid Well
  • Martin Luther King, Jr
  • Fake It ‘Til You Make It: The Story Of How We Dealt With Your First Year
  • Historical Infant Mortality Means You Win By Being Here Today
  • Herd Immunity And Rich White People
  • Already Disappointing
  • You Didn’t Save Our Relationship
  • Nightmares Can Come True
  • Bad Advice Got Us Here
  • Coughs and Sneezes
  • American Ninja Warrior
  • Portal
  • Mommy’s Dead Inside
  • Peaked Already
  • Dinosaurs And Herpes Sores: Realistic Life Expectations
  • Lightning Rod of Resentment
  • You’re Less Fun Than Pregnancy
  • Pinterest Breakdown
  • We Only Had You For the Photos
  • Probable Apocalypse Scenarios
  • Breaking Bad
  • Pimps N Hoes
  • Slut It Up
  • BYOB
  • Pole Dance Lessons
  • Stephen King Novels
Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Valerie: I tried cuddling once. Then I grew the fuck up.
Bill G. August 27, 2013 at 10:33 pm

Love it!

I’d like to add:
* Miley Cyrus at [whatever bullshit awards show she was on the other night]
* Sling Blade
* Ghetto (it’s not a party until there’s a fight and at least one gunshot)
* Boogie Nights
* Projectile farting (eat a can of beans 2 hours before party)
* Traveling carnival life

Mayor Gia August 27, 2013 at 11:00 pm

Disney Princesses Gone Wild
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Bill G. August 28, 2013 at 3:47 pm

Hah, I like that!

nadine August 28, 2013 at 7:40 am

Storage Wars
Ancient Aliens
Young Actress with Very Public Breakdowns
Memes
The Periodic Table
Back To School
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Josh H D August 28, 2013 at 7:40 am

Fritzl Family in the Basement Party

Josh H D August 28, 2013 at 7:43 am

Your Real Mother Is My 16 Year Old Sister, Party

Josh H D August 28, 2013 at 8:01 am

Maybe a surprise party.. But the surprise is that everyone gets roofied and locked in the basement for the next 12 years until someone gets out and notifies the police.

Roxie August 28, 2013 at 9:12 am

Everything’s always sticky.

Roxie August 28, 2013 at 9:13 am

Who wants their growth stunted? Coffee for every one!

Bill G. August 29, 2013 at 9:00 pm

And don’t forget the pipe/cigar option!

Roxie August 28, 2013 at 9:14 am

Which kids still have soft spots?

Roxie August 28, 2013 at 9:15 am

Who can keep a scream going the longest?

Roxie August 28, 2013 at 9:15 am

No one sleeps, ever!

Jess August 28, 2013 at 10:09 am

Consequences for using “pulling out” as our birth control.
All Daddy really wanted was a blow job.
Baby Pub Crawl.
Baby’s Favorite Illegal Substance Party.
Miley Cyrus Twerk Training.
Baby WWE.

Tabitha Crow August 28, 2013 at 10:10 am

Your present is twerk lessons.
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Becky August 28, 2013 at 10:15 am

Barn Raising
Future Period Party Participants

(I hope your sister’s baby’s party goes well! My best friend got an 8-inch cake for her child’s first birthday. The cake was put in front of the child, and everyone stood back. Let’s just say my friend’s pre-party investment of a tarp for the living room was the best decorative decision she ever made.)

Dana the Biped August 28, 2013 at 11:51 am

You’ve Grown So Much Since Breaking My Vag
Snot Bubbles
Your First Year Cost $30,000!
Should Have Gotten a Dog Instead
The Only Child for a Reason
Hellfire and Damnation
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Todd August 28, 2013 at 1:01 pm

One Night of Spectacular Sex For This?
All The Ways You’re Going To Let Us Down
One Year Closer To Death
Your Great, But Not That Great
Mommy Loves You Best…No, Really
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ColinP August 28, 2013 at 1:07 pm

Fetal Alcohol Syndrome and You
Kinky Internet Porn for Little People
Vajazzle Your Baby
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Misty August 28, 2013 at 1:56 pm

Mommy drinks because you’re bad

Twilight

Happy surviving sudden infant death syndrome

Guess what’s in the bottle

Strip poker

What happens in Vegas . . .

Saw 7: The Diapering
Misty recently posted..I Do NOT Have a Problem

Kelly August 28, 2013 at 2:02 pm

Hayrack Ride Tour of “Where You Might Have Been Conceived”
“You’re Not Supposed To Get Pregnant The First Time….Yet It’s Your First Birthday”
Pixie Stix and Red Bull
Coyote Ugly
Catfish
Intro To Teen Mom
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Christine August 28, 2013 at 2:09 pm

The Bad Seed

Jaclyn August 28, 2013 at 2:10 pm

I spent so much time, money, and effort on my daughter’s first birthday. It was a magical day at a lovely park that ended with a trip to the emergency room, half the guests coming down with a stomach virus, and a handful of toddlers getting pink eye. MEMORIES! I should have went with one of these:

We already spent the extra tax return money theme- you get dinner and a cupcake and YOU BETTER APPRECIATE IT.

You aren’t going to goddamn remember this anyway, so let’s just watch some porn.

Character from a show you no longer watch, because the paper plates were on sale.
Jaclyn recently posted..A Guide To Your Classy Unplanned Pregnancy

nadine August 29, 2013 at 8:46 am

I’d like everyone to know that I was one of the lucky people who got the stomach virus after that party. THANKS, JACLYN’S FUCKING IDIOT FATHER, FOR SHOWING UP AT A 1-YEAR-OLD’S BIRTHDAY PARTY WITH THE STOMACH FLU. http://hamburgercheeks.blogspot.com/search/label/deadbeat%20dad
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HeatherRose August 28, 2013 at 2:16 pm

Only 17 years to go!

Bottle Bros and Pampers Hoes
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Chooplah August 28, 2013 at 5:23 pm

Baby’s First Foam Party
Creepy Uncle Rudy Rodeo
Neverland Ranch Surprise
Breast-Milk cupcakes
Teddy Bear Massacre
Emotionally Abused Disney Princesses
My Little Pony Meatballs
Inked! Be there for your baby’s first regret
Chooplah recently posted..7 Signs Your Life Isn’t Perfect

Dave in Sherman August 28, 2013 at 7:14 pm

I still thinki “Toddlers and Tiaras” is the most inappropriate show ever. I mean WTF you desperate, attention sucking moms?
So what do you think, a T n T party?
Dave
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nongirlfriend August 28, 2013 at 7:23 pm

I can’t decide whether or not I prefer “You Didn’t Save Our Relationship” or “Mommy’s Dead Inside” more.
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Skylar August 28, 2013 at 8:09 pm

The Abortion Clinic Was Closed
Don’t Call Him Daddy
I Invited the Milk Man for Funzies!
Pictures Through Your First Year: Starting With the Stitches in my Perineum
Lucky Child, Unlucky Parents: Trojan’s .1%
Scarred For Life: Early Sex Ed

Emz August 28, 2013 at 9:02 pm

Twerking Party
Dante’s Inferno
Pharm Party
Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood – The Eddie Murphy Version
Cake, Candles and 12 months of Kegels
A Lifetime of Going to Shit We’d Rather Not Go To
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