Joke-Off: Honest Book Titles

08/20/2013 · 15 comments

in Joke Off

I’ve had a flood of suggestions for joke-offs recently (also, keep them coming, I love them). Strangely, all last week, they had to do with book titles. In the interest of not doing one billion book joke-offs, I combined them into this week’s challenge: Honest Book Titles.

We’ve all been there–you read a book (The Shining) and midway through you realize what a fucking lie the title is. In my case, you come up with a new, more honest one to use when describing the book to friends (THE SCARIEST FUCKING BOOK IN THE WORLD). Add your submissions into the comments below, and we’ll vote tomorrow!

Joke-Off: Honest Book Titles

  • The Shining – You’ll Never Think About A Bathtub The Same Again
  • Ishmael – Philosophical Jerk Off
  • Lord Of The Flies – Goddamn Kids Are Fucked Up
  • Where The Red Fern Goes – Get Ready To Cry In 8th Grade English
  • Heart Shaped Box – The Adrenaline Hit
  • The Handmaid’s Tale – Fuck The Patriarchy
  • Huckleberry Finn – Uh…can we say that in High School?
  • Pride And Prejudice – You’ll Never Be As Good As Darcy
  • Eat Pray Love – White Lady Porn
  • Night – I’ll Never Do Enough
  • Bossypants – Awkward Lady Victory
  • Peter Pan – Michael Jackson Wet Dream
  • Twilight – Serialized Queef
  • 50 Shades of Grey – To Embarrassed To Read Fan Fiction
  • Harry Potter And The Prisoner Of Azkaban – Where It Really Gets Good
  • Lord Of The Rings – The Bible
  • The Hobbit – Bible Jr
  • Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows – Your Childhood Is Dead Now
  • Carrie – High School Coulda Been Worse
  • Fried Green Tomatoes – Oh They’re Lesbians, I Get It Now
  • Dracula – Gary Oldman Source Material
  • Charlotte’s Web – I Forgot It Ended So Terribly
  • Infinite Jest – Hipster Cred
  • Where The Wild Things Are – Hipster Cred Jr
  • Catcher In The Rye – Emo Before Emo
  • Nancy Drew – Historically Fuck The Patriarchy
  • Hunger Games – The Fuck Is Wrong With You, Katniss?
  • It – Never Sleep Again
  • Matilda – Shitty Parents Mean Magic Powers
  • Ulysses – Of Course I Read It
  • The Outsiders – Jr High Literotica
  • 1984 – Ready To Be Paranoid?
I don’t have a favorite comment from Monday because I loved them all.
I hope, for those of you who stated that they were in a position of having to Rally Hard, that you find the steps forward that you need, no matter how small they are. Sometimes Rallying is as good as rolling over in bed that day. Sometimes it’s changing a career. Whatever you need to do to be better, do it. We’re all with you.
Thank you for those of you who provided words of support. They mean more than you know, especially when you feel so very alone. Thank you.
Mayor Gia August 20, 2013 at 11:06 pm

The Bible – Yo, God is PISSED for most of this.
Catcher in the Rye – whiney white boy problems
Uncle Tom’s Cabin – Slavery is bad. Feel guilty.
A Song of Ice and Fire – A song of Incest and Knights and Dragons and Too Many Characters
Mayor Gia recently posted..Cat Laptop = Cattop?

Graie August 21, 2013 at 3:38 am

Outlander- Time Travel, SexyTimes and Historical Battles or Don’t Read When You Are 12!
The Lovely Bones- Don’t talk to Creepy Neighbours in Cornfields. (also; don’t read when you’re 12)
The Giver- Be afraid of immunizations for all of middle school
The Perks of Being a Wallflower – Hipster Tattoo Fodder
To Kill A Mockingbird- Southern Usa is not just accents and pie :S
A Time to kill- People are Fucked Up
The Stone Angel- Old Ladies Tell Boring Stories
Hard Times – Fun is THE WORST and so is this book
The Plain Truth- The Amish Girl is A Lying Tramp
Watership Down-Rabbits be Cray
The Kite Runner- Let’s Feel Really, Really Uncomfortable

nadine August 21, 2013 at 8:35 am

The Stand: Living in a bunker full of hand sanitizer sounds pretty good right about now.
11/22/63: Time travel is complicated as fuck.
My Sister’s Keeper: It’s good to have a spare.
Breaking Dawn: Fuckin’ Renesmee, really? Super Fuck You, Stephanie Meyers.
nadine recently posted..This Is For Jeff

Cheryl S. August 21, 2013 at 8:43 am

The Crucible — The Preacher stopped fucking her, so she fucked the whole town.
To Kill a Mockingbird – Racism is whack.
Shakespeare — Don’t let to the flowery language fool you, it’s all about sex.
The Help — Thanks, I’ll skip the chocolate pie.
The Grapes Wrath — Oklahoma sucks.

Janene August 21, 2013 at 10:00 am

Eat Pray Love – Clueless priviledged woman gains weight, whines about her inability to relate to others, and gets fucked.
Wicked – everything you ever wanted to know about the Witches of Oz but were afraid to ask.
Earth’s Children series (by Jean Auel) – sex, info dump, sex, info dump, Ayla is awesome, Jondalar is a sexy beast with an amazing wang, sex, info dump, Ayla is “different”, sex, info dump…

Karisa Tells All August 21, 2013 at 10:12 am

The Sun Also Rises: Eat, Drink, Bulls
The Great Gatsby: Rich People Being Rich
Hamlet: The Lion King but with Mel Gibson
Freakonomics: Don’t Name Your Kid Shaniqua
I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings: My Life Used to Suck, Pre-Oprah
Great Expectations: The Main Character’s Name is Pip, Nuff Said
Outliers: Successful People Aren’t All That Great
On the Road: actually, that was already a pretty apropos title
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asp August 21, 2013 at 11:11 am

The Fountain Head: Pretend this is Satire and it’s Actually Hilarious
The Collective Works of Jane Austen: Mean Girls
The Celestine Prophesy: You are the Very First Person to Ever have Thoughts
The Alchemist: You Are the Center of the Universe
The Secret: You Are the Center of the Fucking Universe and Maybe God
How to Win Friends and Influence People: The Idiot’s Guide to Being an Asshole

Bill G. August 21, 2013 at 7:50 pm

Haha, love it!

How to Win Friends and Influence People: the book read by fucking asshole middle-managers with a Napoleon complex who can’t admit to themselves that they’ve peaked at the age of 31

Chooplah August 21, 2013 at 11:18 am

The Big Book of Lesbian Horse Stories: Are the horses lesbians or….?
Chooplah recently posted..7 Signs Your Life Isn’t Perfect

Jen August 21, 2013 at 11:35 am

*The Very Hungry Caterpillar (Eats His Feelings)
*A Walk To Remember: Underage Sex is Totally OK if One of You is Dying
*The Catcher In The Rye: Diary of a Wimpy Kid
*Jane Eyre: Bitches in the Attic Be Crazy, Yo
*Oedipus Rex: How I Met Your Mother
*The Collector: She’s Just Not That Into You
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Kitty August 21, 2013 at 2:04 pm

The Neverending Story: The Title is False Advertizing
IT: Not sleeping ever again lets you get so much more done a day!
Kitty recently posted..Some Quick Thoughts

ColinP August 21, 2013 at 3:20 pm

A Game of Thrones – Aaaand he’s dead, big shocker, ooh look 600 more pages to go…
Everybody Poops – Well…yeah
50 Shades of… – your money
ColinP recently posted..Requiescat in Pace Tony Scott (06/21/1944 – 08/19/2012)

Bill G. August 21, 2013 at 7:47 pm

Lord of the Rings: learn to escape reality because real life is major boring shit sprinkled with pain and misery
Paradise Lost: it’s as bleak as the title sounds; the bitch of an 11th grade English teacher that decided we need to study 17th century poetry deserves a kick in the head every day of her sorry fucking life
Naked Lunch: the Queen Mary of a misleading title for a teenager in search of whacking material
Flash Dance: see Naked Lunch

Valerie August 21, 2013 at 9:31 pm

All The Game of Thrones books – Everybody Dies



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Janene August 21, 2013 at 11:22 pm

Jane Eyre: Cinderella complex much?

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