You Cannot Unsee, But You Can UnFriend

07/21/2013 · 12 comments

in How Did My Life Come To This, Social Services, What Is Wrong With You?

What I’m about to ask is going to be harsh, very harsh for some.

Go pull up your Facebook feed right now. Read it aloud, and imagine reading it to a complete stranger at the Post Office.

Imagine sharing pictures of your newborn baby with a special guest appearance by your WWII Trench Puss to a stranger.
Imagine reading the TMI status updates about your kids or family or husband to a stranger.
Imagine telling the stranger the same things you write on your wall.

Does it make you uncomfortable? Does the thought of sharing this with someone you don’t know give you the creeps or the social-contract-failure-goosebumps?

Then stop posting your ridiculous bullshit for the world to see.

You have to knock your shit off right now. Social Media is NOT the same as chatting with a couple friends. You are, essentially, sharing it with the planet.

Every time you post something on social media, imagine yourself painting it on 8 foot butcher paper that you then attach to your house and your car, to be seen by everyone. Would you feel comfortable with that? Imagine driving to Albertson’s with, “I HAVE A WEIRD DISCHARGE, ANY IDEAS?” on your car.

Do you want a picture of your naked toddler inexplicably covered in pureed carrots on the side of your van while you run errands? No, because you’re not a crazy person.

Do you want to hang the details of your latest recurrence of your chronic yeast infection on your roof in bold yellow lettering? No, because you’re not a crazy person. 

Do you want your selfie with your dead grandfather on your Tercel? No, because you’re not a crazy person.

(Those are all real examples I have seen in the last 5 days.)

Yes, I could hide you from my feed–and I do when you post insane shit, but this is a PSA for you, not me.

Seeing pictures of your naked kid taking a dump puts that image in my brain and that is terrible. In my mind it is akin to leaving your kid, naked and shitting, on my desk for a while with no explanation. That’s crazy person behavior. I don’t know what to do with that information now that I have it. It’s just in my head and unwelcome, like a wasp with a bone to pick and also he’s SOMEONE ELSE’S NAKED SHITTING KID. I don’t want that, you don’t want that, your kid doesn’t want that. Some things are for you and your memories alone.

We’re all guilty of posting things that you know other people won’t give a shit about. Mundanities, stories about kids and family, stupid photos–I am also a terrible offender. But I would read my feed to a stranger in a heartbeat, because while I know I would come off as strange, I would not be a crazy person.

Stop posting your ridiculous bullshit for the world to see.

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Dana The Biped: Warning: the following is not an original pun. Source: the Internet. Somewhere. Rick Astley will lend you any movie from his Pixar collection except one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
Arrow July 21, 2013 at 11:54 pm

Oh my goodness. ….. the sanity. …. it’s hurting my impulsivness! Lucky I shared this before I had time to think. …..

Mayor Gia July 22, 2013 at 8:47 am

See, I mostly post cat pictures on twitter. So I’m just a weirdo cat lady, and not a TMI oversharer.
Mayor Gia recently posted..The Story of Leviticus

Roxie July 22, 2013 at 10:03 am

Why do you keep assuming that all these people are not crazy?

Chooplah July 22, 2013 at 11:08 am

Is it appropriate to check in repeatedly at the gynecologist and tag my friends? I believe in a shlong for a shlong. For every naked baby photo you post, I post an up-close shot of the wart on my Jack Russell’s ding dong, which I would be proud to display on my Scion.
Chooplah recently posted..6 Google Searches That Will Make You Lose Faith in Humanity

Dana the Biped July 22, 2013 at 12:30 pm

Actually on my feed right now: a recommendation to read a paranormal romance about a lovely barkeep and a handsome were-hedgehog.

I have the coolest friends.
Dana the Biped recently posted..Priorities, People

Banana Stickers July 22, 2013 at 1:56 pm

My favorite is when people post vague status updates that are clearly personal and directed at one person, yet they feel compelled to share it with everyone. I like to pretend they’re about me and I’ll comment accordingly.
Example (from my cousin): “Nothing compares to the feeling I get when you hold me in your strong arms”
Me: “Thanks, I work out”
Her: “No, silly! That was for my boyfriend”
Me: “OMG, are you cheating on me?”
In related news, a lot of my family members think I’m an asshole.
Banana Stickers recently posted..But Seriously, Say No To Toilet Sex

Ashton July 22, 2013 at 5:25 pm

I would be proud to call you my friend. That’s the best.

Jaime July 22, 2013 at 2:23 pm

I feel comfortable sharing my fb feed with total strangers … because I don’t post creepy shit. Thanks for making me feel good about myself Noa, you’re the best!

Kitty July 22, 2013 at 7:10 pm

Or just stop friending strangers? I think a lot of people use facebook differently, I like just having family and friends on mine so I can share personal things. Sure if you add every person you ever meet then you need to be aware that your cousins, neighbors, gynecologist is seeing you post drunken duck face photos, but if you only have people you are close to, maybe they do want to see every picture ever taken of your baby.

Facebook is a tool, people just need to stop using it so fucking stupidly

Ragemichelle July 23, 2013 at 3:55 pm

I couldn’t agree more. And stop posting everything you eat. Who cares?
Ragemichelle recently posted..20 Reasons You Shouldn’t Clean Out Your Fridge

Bill G. July 23, 2013 at 5:32 pm

What, so now I’m not supposed to post a weekly status of my balls? Next thing, you’ll be telling me that I’m not supposed to put my favorite farts to music. Jeez!

Janene July 23, 2013 at 8:54 pm

Nothing excites me more than reading these types of posts. They only confirm why I am becoming more and more of a hermit. But with the internet, I can still be social. Go advancement!

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