Sorry, Did The World Get In The Way Of Your Slight Mishap?

07/01/2013 · 22 comments

in I'm A Terrible Person, What Is Wrong With You?

I judge people quickly based on very little information, and I have no regrets.

I know, judge not lest ye be, throwing stones, Jesus and all that other assorted life-policing advice that I should listen to and don’t. It’s how I run my life. I don’t give a fuck.

Sometimes people prove me wrong about my judgments on people. Sometimes you’re wearing a Looney Tunes shirt because it’s Laundry Day in Hell. Sometimes your grocery cart filled with nothing but croutons alerts me to nothing more than a salad emergency and not absolute insanity. Fuck me, I’m wrong. I DON’T GIVE A FUCK.

There is one time in which, no matter what, I feel absolutely correct when I judge someone.

When you stop your car, your body, or anything else, in the way of anyone at all.

Stopping yourself in the middle of other people and interrupting the flow of the world is the most selfish and narcissistic thing I can thing of outside of Heidi Montag. I understand that things happen, but you live in a world with other people in it. The needs of the one do not outweigh the rights of the many. If you forget that, you are a fucking asshole and you deserve to live with a rickets and leprosy ridden rhinoceros in a pack-n-play.

I can think of exactly zero situations where my car has broken down so suddenly that it necessitated me stopping it in the middle of a 6-lane highway, perhaps straddling several lanes, and not putting my hazards on. I have run my car out of gas completely, out of motherfucking oil completely (which seizes the engine), and completely off of a tire. You know what I did in all of those situations?


Not just because I didn’t want to die trying to get a tow truck to pick my shit up, but BECAUSE OTHER PEOPLE LIVE IN THIS WORLD, AND MY PROBLEMS DO NOT TRUMP THEIRS.

I can think of exactly zero situations in which I needed a photo so badly that I had to stop myself and everyone I was traveling with in the middle of a busy street or sidewalk. There is no situation that calls for that. Unless you are actively dying, GET THAT SHIT OUTTA MY WAY.

I can think of exactly zero situations in which I have had to turn a stroller around so sharply on a sidewalk and stop it that I not only hit the person walking beside me, but interrupted the flow of foot traffic for an hour. Not even one. Not even if the child is dying. In that case, you should probably be moving faster. Unless you are actively dying, GET THAT SHIT OUTTA MY WAY.


Get off my lawn.

Todd July 1, 2013 at 5:43 am

You had me at “Get off my lawn.”
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Mayor Gia July 1, 2013 at 6:50 am

When I’m driving through ghetto-like conditions to get to work, I have to wait behind cars who are stopped in the street to A. talk to their biddies and/or B. buy drugs. And they’re never in a rush. But I don’t honk. Don’t wanna get shanked.
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Bill G. July 11, 2013 at 7:34 pm

Yes, in certain parts of town the guy who cuts me off doesn’t get flipped off or yelled at.

nadine July 1, 2013 at 8:22 am

this gives me rage and I’m at work and not in a car at all.

cell phones have exacerbated this issue. people just stop and text and i yell at them “HEY RIHANNA YOU AIN’T THE ONLY GIRL IN THE WORLD, MOVE IT OR LOSE IT.”
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Bill G. July 11, 2013 at 7:50 pm

AND it’s a safety issue, especially for women. If I’m in the mall parking lot around Christmas time (when crime is absolutely rampant) and I’m looking for somebody to rob, am I going to hit somebody who is not distracted, clear-eyed, walking with a purpose, and looks like they have pepper spray on that keychain in their hand? Fuck no, I’m looking for the chick who is fumbling with bags/boxes, on the phone, and walking with her head down (in other words, zero situational awareness; I’m looking for the chick who’d walk into a fountain while texting, remember that YouTube video?). You can pop her right in the nose and she’ll drop like a stone and won’t be able to see anything for 5 minutes. Taking everything she’s got is easier than farting after a large Mexican meal. The only description she’ll be able to give the cops is, “The guy who hit me was a big gray blur, and he drove off in a dark blur…”

Scarlet July 1, 2013 at 9:01 am

I don’t care if you can’t decide which soup is a better deal, or if you can’t remember whether or not you have rice at home. Get your damn cart out of the middle of the aisle! If I can get my huge car-cart monstrosity with two kids hanging off the side like we’re the Beverly Hillbillies out of the way, you can move your tiny ass cart out of my way!

Abby July 1, 2013 at 9:21 am

I can’t decide if I hate people more who do it on the sidewalk or in the grocery store, but I think it’s the sidewalk. Why? Because in the grocery store I just keep on trucking and bash that bastard with my cart. Toddlers? The elderly? No one is immune from bad manners.

And if they’re texting when said incident occurs, I go home and swiftly craft a voodoo doll in their honor. No questions asked.
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Jen July 1, 2013 at 10:03 am

As a runner, I am constantly forced to go all Michael Oher on some power-walking cuntmuppet who can’t fathom that the rules on the trail are the same as the rules on the road: Slower. Traffic. Keep. Right.
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Misty July 1, 2013 at 1:36 pm

As always . . . props for the lovely Ravens’ reference. :)
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Banana Stickers July 2, 2013 at 4:38 pm

OMG… cuntmuppet FTW
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Roxie July 1, 2013 at 10:30 am

When I was a kid and the family car broke down, my mom would leave it stopped in the middle of the road, because it got the cops to help her quickly.

Dana the Biped July 1, 2013 at 11:21 am

I was at the Pride Parade yesterday. The woman in front of me–who I gave as much personal space as the size of the crowd allowed–occasionally decided that she deserved three times as much personal space as anyone else. She’d put her hands on the barrier in front of her and use it to launch her ass back as far as possible, shoving me back into the person behind me, and so on. She won my Shithead of the Day award.
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Misty July 1, 2013 at 1:38 pm

That one would have gotten a very hastily placed foot to her large rear, thus propelling her into the barrier and quite possibly onto the street. Keep that one in your back pocket for next time.
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Dana the Biped July 2, 2013 at 2:17 pm

Back pocket loaded!
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Valerie July 1, 2013 at 8:49 pm

I hate getting stuck behind a row do slow moving fatties at the mall. They’ve got the whole fucking lane blocked, then one of them notices a TCBY ice cream shop and they all just stop. I know exactly how a lion feels stalking a bunch of buffalo. Because I always want to take one down and eat it. Just to prove a fucking point… Or maybe it’s just me.


Valerie recently posted..Remember the time the security guard got murdered in a most horrible fashion and then I beat a killer with bread? No?? Well, sit down and Let’s have a good ol’ fashioned flashback.

Bill G. July 1, 2013 at 10:39 pm

I hate that shit. I’m a chunky guy and I have a fast gait because I was the youngest of 3 (brother 4 years older, sister 5 years older). That means I had significantly shorter legs than everybody else, so I had to move my feet faster than everybody else to keep up. Move your ass, no excuses. That’s not a sob story, it’s a good thing that serves me well. If I can move my chunky ass, I have no sympathy for the Wal-Mart crowd.

If you think the mall is bad, Vegas is a million times worse. I was only there once for business (at Nellis Air Force Base) and it was pedestrian hell. Legions of people walking duck-footed at a snail’s pace in disgusting flip flops (I don’t care if you’re Sandra Bullock, I don’t want to see your fucking feet). Drove me batshit. In the evenings, I stayed in the room and ordered pizza (prices a hell of a lot better than the horridly overpriced restaurants everywhere). I only walked to the convenience store across the street for beer. No fridge in the room? No problem. A trashcan full of ice solves that problem.

Banana Stickers July 2, 2013 at 10:30 am

My oldest, who is she-should-fucking-know-better years old, does this shit so often that I am on the brink of threatening to disown her and drop her off in front of a fire station like a basket of unwanted kittens if she doesn’t knock it off. That shit makes me livid.
Banana Stickers recently posted..But Seriously, Say No To Toilet Sex

Bill G. July 11, 2013 at 7:56 pm

My 6 year old gets a kick in the butt for this offense. Consider it sensitivity training. My wife’s not quite on board but she’s coming around.

Katie Mack July 2, 2013 at 1:36 pm

This happens to me ALL OF THE TIME in the grocery store! I like to zip through grocery stores…zip, zip, zip. My fellow shoppers, however, like to stop their cart smack dab in the middle of the aisle…the husband stands on one side of the cart and the wife on the other…so the whole damn aisle is blocked.

Today was the kicker, though. Today, while trying to leave the store after checking out, a family had THREE grocery carts full of food, all parked near (and blocking) the exit while the bagger was loading up the 4th cart. Who buys that many groceries in one trip?
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Bill G. July 11, 2013 at 8:01 pm

“Who buys that many groceries in one trip?’

Bible moms who pop out kids like a Pez dispenser and weird families that live 40 miles into the sticks and can only make it to town once a month. I see these fucks at Costco all the time. Ramming speed!!

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