Sorry, Did The World Get In The Way Of Your Slight Mishap?

07/01/2013 · 22 comments

in I'm A Terrible Person,What Is Wrong With You?

I judge people quickly based on very little information, and I have no regrets.

I know, judge not lest ye be, throwing stones, Jesus and all that other assorted life-policing advice that I should listen to and don’t. It’s how I run my life. I don’t give a fuck.

Sometimes people prove me wrong about my judgments on people. Sometimes you’re wearing a Looney Tunes shirt because it’s Laundry Day in Hell. Sometimes your grocery cart filled with nothing but croutons alerts me to nothing more than a salad emergency and not absolute insanity. Fuck me, I’m wrong. I DON’T GIVE A FUCK.

There is one time in which, no matter what, I feel absolutely correct when I judge someone.

When you stop your car, your body, or anything else, in the way of anyone at all.

Stopping yourself in the middle of other people and interrupting the flow of the world is the most selfish and narcissistic thing I can thing of outside of Heidi Montag. I understand that things happen, but you live in a world with other people in it. The needs of the one do not outweigh the rights of the many. If you forget that, you are a fucking asshole and you deserve to live with a rickets and leprosy ridden rhinoceros in a pack-n-play.

I can think of exactly zero situations where my car has broken down so suddenly that it necessitated me stopping it in the middle of a 6-lane highway, perhaps straddling several lanes, and not putting my hazards on. I have run my car out of gas completely, out of motherfucking oil completely (which seizes the engine), and completely off of a tire. You know what I did in all of those situations?


Not just because I didn’t want to die trying to get a tow truck to pick my shit up, but BECAUSE OTHER PEOPLE LIVE IN THIS WORLD, AND MY PROBLEMS DO NOT TRUMP THEIRS.

I can think of exactly zero situations in which I needed a photo so badly that I had to stop myself and everyone I was traveling with in the middle of a busy street or sidewalk. There is no situation that calls for that. Unless you are actively dying, GET THAT SHIT OUTTA MY WAY.

I can think of exactly zero situations in which I have had to turn a stroller around so sharply on a sidewalk and stop it that I not only hit the person walking beside me, but interrupted the flow of foot traffic for an hour. Not even one. Not even if the child is dying. In that case, you should probably be moving faster. Unless you are actively dying, GET THAT SHIT OUTTA MY WAY.


Get off my lawn.

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