Nature’s House Arrest

07/08/2013 · 23 comments

in How Did My Life Come To This

If you’re reading this, it means I’m most likely dead because the wasps that are storming my home have finally won the goddamn battle.

When we moved in, I knew this place wasn’t well taken care of by the last tenants. I knew it needed new tile, new counters, some hardcore yard work. That’s par for the course for a house though, no big. What I didn’t know is that they had virtually abandoned this home in the dead of night for the fear of the wasp hordes that trap you indoors, fearing anything but leaving the garage with a fully-powered flamethrower.

Upon move-in, we found 4 wasp/hornet nests outside our home, strategically placed at every exit door. Every time you try to leave, 7 or 8 of those bastards come in a flying V of fuck-you right at your face to remind you that you don’t belong here. Oh no. This brick corner-lot pre-war home belongs to nature and to sting-assed war lords, not Noa and Adrian goddamn Gavin.

At first it was one or two who hung around the bushes when I let my dog out.

The next few days, I had to sprint out the door clutching my very small dog and run to the park across the street for letting-out-times, which defeats the purpose of having a fenced back yard.

Then, the horde began to gather on my office window. One, five, twelve at a time to taunt me and remind me that if they really wanted to, they could jimmy that window open and murder me. They scuttle and scamper and taunt me with their infuriating superiority. Fucking bugs. Who the fuck do they think they are?

I thought I would be smart and call pest control. After all, isn’t it their job to take care of this kind of thing? Fuck those hornets and their smug little spit-nests.

Orkin never returned my calls. They said it was because they had too many clients. I knew it was because the sting mafia got a hold of them before I could.

It took a month to get Terminix out to my house, and that motherfucker didn’t even try to take out the hornets’ nests. One still hangs menacingly above my office window as a reminder of my inferiority to their creepy skinny little bodies that shouldn’t even be able to be so awful.

Sometimes at night I hear something tap my window. At first I thought it was a robber, but no one was there. Then, I thought of june bugs, but no, nothing so stupid as a june bug wanting my reading lamp.

Of course, it was a goddamn wasp, slamming his body into my windows over and over and over again, sacrificing his body to remind me that he is there. He watches me sleep. He watches me work. He knows my life better than I do.

He is waiting.

I am going to die.

Dylan July 8, 2013 at 2:53 am

Back when I was 16, I was staying at my aunty’s house… It was around midnight that I awoke to a dull hum. Groggily I got to my feet and gradually I realised the humming was coming from the wall behind my aunty’s guest bed. Without really thinking, I put my hands against the wall and leaned in to try and hear what exactly the humming was coming from my Aunty’s spare bedroom wall… BIGGEST FUCKING MISTAKE OF MY LIFE. It was like i’d rolled the fucking dice from Jumanji! My hands broke the plaster of the wall and a metric FUCK-TON of wasps soared into the dimly lit room and essentially hate-fucked my very being. I ran to the door in near-darkness, hitting my knees and toes on every fucking object known to mankind and slammed it shut. Screaming in agony as I endured (luckily) three stings. It took my aunty a week to get an exterminator out and in that entire time all you could hear from the spare bedroom was the quiet buzz of a million flying, nazis.

Mayor Gia July 8, 2013 at 6:55 am

That is fucking tragic. I can’t even. I would lose my trust in walls. WALLS ARE SOMETIMES FILLED WITH ANGRY HORNETS WHO ARE WAITING TO BREAK OUT AND ATTACK YOU
Mayor Gia recently posted..Burned Again!

Ashton July 8, 2013 at 10:41 am

That sounds like a terrible nightmare. I can never go near a wall again.

Todd July 8, 2013 at 3:04 am

If you like, I could send out a large horde of Flaming Mental Arrows of Ill Intent.
Todd recently posted..Angry fat pool boys

Mark S July 8, 2013 at 8:18 am

Why would you need an exterminator? Get some wasp and hornet poison, wait til dusk, and kill those fuckers while they sleep. The shit can spray like 20ft so you don’t have to even get near the nest. Nothing as cathartic as bringing neurotoxin death to those bastards.

Roxie July 8, 2013 at 9:55 am

Burn the wasps! Kill them with fire! Or, you know, like Mark said, with wasp poison.

nadine July 8, 2013 at 10:07 am

toilet train the dog and become a hermit. it’s your blogger destiny.
nadine recently posted..My To-Do is Ridic.

Ali M July 8, 2013 at 11:14 am

the whole time I was sitting here reading this, I was dumbfounded why you didn’t just buy a couple cans of wasp spray and do what Mark S said. Kill them while they sleep. who has not taught you these survival things in life? they deserve a fail card!

Jaime July 8, 2013 at 1:48 pm

my mum once eradicated a wasp nest on our home by pouring boiling hot water from a kettle on their nest… I don’t know how it all went down because I was hiding under the sheets for fear of retribution.

Lex Lemon July 8, 2013 at 2:09 pm

Get some wasp/hornet bombs from a hardware store and go out there after the sun sets. Or call a COMPETANT exterminator. The guys you were talking to suck.

Abby July 8, 2013 at 2:56 pm

The logical solution is to burn your house down, but if that’s not an option I would go with the exterminator. When I bought my house it turns out they had bees living under the rain gutters that liked to sneak into the room I would eventually claim as my bedroom. Dead bodies on the pillow? Not so much.

Now bug dude sprays four times a year because I’m a wimp and I don’t want to die and since the bees won’t make me their Queen, there’s not enough room for us all at this joint. God speed, my friend.
Abby recently posted..Ask Abby Anything, Part 2

Johi Kokjohn-Wagner July 8, 2013 at 4:38 pm

I just guffawed.
Johi Kokjohn-Wagner recently posted..TMI Fridays- Mom’s New Stage

Mike! July 8, 2013 at 3:12 pm

Just be thankful they haven’t found a way inside yet. Last summer they started appearing out of of the goddamn ether in my kitchen and living room. Thankfully this year they’re only in the eaves above the door to the apartment. Knocked down a nest last night, only to find there was a beam it could land comfortably on right underneath it. I expect retribution this evening. Also, some of them hitched a ride on the broom I used, so I once again ended up with them inside. Fuck wasps.

Johi Kokjohn-Wagner July 8, 2013 at 4:39 pm

I’ll loan you Brock. He is a wasp killing machine.
Johi Kokjohn-Wagner recently posted..TMI Fridays- Mom’s New Stage

Jen July 8, 2013 at 4:54 pm

I understand the need for bees on a global level; pollination, honey, and the rest of that tree-hugging hippy shit, but . . .fuck bees. Sadly, I appear to be the sole resident of Portland who feels this way, as evidenced by this:

http://www.mnn.com/earth-matters/animals/blogs/memorial-service-to-be-held-for-slain-oregon-bees-in-target-parking-lot

Yeah. That happened. At motherfucking Target. My city will out-weird any other. Every. Damned. Time.
Jen recently posted..There’s No Place Like Home (Depot)

Roxie July 9, 2013 at 10:14 am

Fuck wasps! Bees try to not sting, because they die right after. Wasps keep stinging and living and are assholes!

Misty July 8, 2013 at 6:37 pm

Yeah, you’re fucked. I had ONE get into my house once, and I basically huddled in fear under the covers during a full sleepless night, just waiting for the attack. The wasps always win. Move out immediately.
Misty recently posted..The Hangover

Jenbug July 8, 2013 at 7:35 pm

This is the shittiest last will & testament I’ve ever read. It’s all about you. What the hell? Aren’t you supposed to be bequeathing me all your awesome stuff and money? If you’re taking requests, I’ll have your tiny sombrero & $67.50 (after taxes). I can’t celebrate your death properly without a good Mexican meal & a ridiculous amount of margaritas.
Jenbug recently posted..Yeah, this.

Jenbug July 8, 2013 at 7:56 pm

Oh, and as for the flying stingers from hell: get the spray mentioned above. That shit really works. But, if they’re red wasps, just burn your house down. Not even kidding. Ever heard of a cow killer?
Jenbug recently posted..Yeah, this.

Valerie July 9, 2013 at 7:55 pm

This is exactly like that movie I once saw… But instead of flies, it’s bees… What was the name of that movie!? Oh yea! The Amityville Horror!

GET OUT NOW!!

Hugs!

Valerie
Valerie recently posted..Dear Wil Wheaton, I’m sorry I drunk Tweeted you. Kind of.

Laura July 9, 2013 at 10:40 pm

1, 2,
the wasps are coming for you,
3,4
Don’t open your door,
5, 6,
they stool your Twix,
7, 8
They’ll fuck you up straight
9, 10
Never leave again
Laura recently posted..This is what I imagine a one night stand to be like

Melodie September 19, 2013 at 9:15 am

Okay so you know Gun Barrel right? The town that actually exists in Texas because everyone here is almost pathologically obsessed with the second amendment? Right so you’ve heard of it, great.

I don’t know what the FUCK is up with the junebug population in Gun Barrel but once my friend and I were staying at her grandmother’s lake house in Malakoff, so we go into Gun Barrel to see a movie at the only movie theater within a 50 mile radius, and when we get there it was like the aftermath of the goddamn junebug apocalypse.

Every single bit of concrete within five feet of the door and the windows was littered with what must have been thousands of crunchy junebug carcasses. I’m assuming they all bashed themselves to death against the windows trying to get to the pretty, pretty neon lights inside the building, or once they were unable to fly anymore they just waited for the sunrise and all inexplicably died like vampires or some shit.

I don’t even wanna know how it felt to be in that theater when that mass junebug suicide shit went down. Probably seemed like it was raining quarter-sized bullets of stupid directly against the windows. All I know if that I never would have left the lobby while it was all goin’ down. As it stands my friend had to coax me (babbling with completely irrational terror) over the crunchy swath of death to the door.

Basically: fuck nature man. This is why we invented inside in the first place; to get away from outside.

{ 1 trackback }

Previous post:

Next post: