I live in Dallas, home of the shameful Cowboys, the mediocre Mavericks, the laughable Rangers, and the decidedly un-starlike Stars.
Yes, I know, they’re all terrible. All sports teams are at one time or another, and that’s not the point of this so shut the fuck up ONE DAY THE STARS ARE GOING TO BE A BIG DEAL OK?
Here’s the thing–they’re all terrible mascots in relation to Dallas. Texas is known for Cowboys and the Texas Rangers, sure, but not Dallas in particular. And that’s just Dallas. There’s also the Detroit Lions, the LA Kings, and for fuck’s sake, the Jacksonville Jaguars.
If the Miami Heat were suddenly the Miami Wicker Chaise Lounges, it would be much more humiliating to lose to them. Let’s help out the teams with some new, more honest sports team mascots.
Joke-Off: More Honest Sports Team Mascots
- Dallas Severe Homeless Population Problems
- Dallas Overlarge Mosquitos Riddled With West Nile
- Texas White Male Republican Kings
- Texas Racial Equality Only When It’s Convenient Like In The NBA
- Houston No One Likes It Here
- San Antonio Historical Monuments
- Dallas Obesity Epidemic
- Denver Weather Complainers
- Miami Golden Girls
- Utah Sister Wives
- California Hot Boxes
- New Orleans Still Severely Underserved
- LA Severely Tanned People
- Oakland Police Incompetence
- Washington Rampant Drug Problems
- Arizona Dry Heat
- Buffalo No One Gives A Shit But Buffalo
- New York Angry Halal Cart Men
- Detroit Mostly Forgottens
- Brooklyn Pabst Blue Ribbons
- Calgary Rodeo Is All We Got
- Pittsburg Grime
- Tennessee Moonshiners
- Minnesota Frost Bitten Angry People
- Green Bay Dick Pics In Old Cheese
- Florida Tourism and Shitty Justice Systems
- Cleveland Almost As Bad As Houston
- Dallas Swampass