Joke-Off: More Honest Sports Team Mascots

07/16/2013 · 7 comments

in Joke Off

I live in Dallas, home of the shameful Cowboys, the mediocre Mavericks, the laughable Rangers, and the decidedly un-starlike Stars.

Yes, I know, they’re all terrible. All sports teams are at one time or another, and that’s not the point of this so shut the fuck up ONE DAY THE STARS ARE GOING TO BE A BIG DEAL OK?

Here’s the thing–they’re all terrible mascots in relation to Dallas. Texas is known for Cowboys and the Texas Rangers, sure, but not Dallas in particular. And that’s just Dallas. There’s also the Detroit Lions, the LA Kings, and for fuck’s sake, the Jacksonville Jaguars. 

If the Miami Heat were suddenly the Miami Wicker Chaise Lounges, it would be much more humiliating to lose to them. Let’s help out the teams with some new, more honest sports team mascots.

Joke-Off: More Honest Sports Team Mascots

  • Dallas Severe Homeless Population Problems
  • Dallas Overlarge Mosquitos Riddled With West Nile
  • Texas White Male Republican Kings
  • Texas Racial Equality Only When It’s Convenient Like In The NBA
  • Houston No One Likes It Here
  • San Antonio Historical Monuments
  • Dallas Obesity Epidemic
  • Denver Weather Complainers
  • Miami Golden Girls
  • Utah Sister Wives
  • California Hot Boxes
  • New Orleans Still Severely Underserved
  • LA Severely Tanned People
  • Oakland Police Incompetence
  • Washington Rampant Drug Problems
  • Arizona Dry Heat
  • Buffalo No One Gives A Shit But Buffalo
  • New York Angry Halal Cart Men
  • Detroit Mostly Forgottens
  • Brooklyn Pabst Blue Ribbons
  • Calgary Rodeo Is All We Got
  • Pittsburg Grime
  • Tennessee Moonshiners
  • Minnesota Frost Bitten Angry People
  • Green Bay Dick Pics In Old Cheese
  • Florida Tourism and Shitty Justice Systems
  • Cleveland Almost As Bad As Houston
  • Dallas Swampass
Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Mayor Gia: Ha! It’s worrisome why the food was taking so long. Were they trying to finish a group circle jerk in the back before you guys came in? YAY TEAMWORK! Sigh. 
JP July 17, 2013 at 1:18 am

San Francisco Sixty-Niners
New Jersey Sores
Garden State Guidos
Golden State Whorriers
New York Gigantic Jetliners

Mayor Gia July 17, 2013 at 6:54 am

The Florida Racists
Texas Pro Lifers
Texas Lady Haters
LA Douches
Mayor Gia recently posted..Hungover

nadine July 17, 2013 at 8:12 am

The NY Urines
nadine recently posted..My To-Do is Ridic.

Cheryl S. July 17, 2013 at 8:52 am

The Miami No Habla Ingles
The Miami Transients
The Florida Hanging Chads

Chooplah July 17, 2013 at 10:51 am

The Oakland Homelessmen Doing Karate on Invisible Attackers
The Cleveland Where?s
Detroit Street Youths
Brooklyn V-Necks
The Philadelphia Yellow Armpit Stained White Tees
Kansas City White Supremacists
Chooplah recently posted..10 Things To Know About Huge Boobs

Misty July 17, 2013 at 11:12 am

The Baltimore Crabcakes
The New York Cabs
The Delaware Tax Breaks
The Arizona Racist Misogynists
The Texas Succeeders
California Earthquake Islanders
The Alaska . . . nah, just kidding!
The Oregon Hipsters
The Oregon Snowglobes (hi Jen!) ;)
The Washington Lattes
The Washington Umbrellas
The Minnesota Darn Tootens
The Maine Lobstahs
The New Jersey Syringes
Misty recently posted..Invasion of the Fruit Snatchers

Janene July 17, 2013 at 7:52 pm

the Toronto HellWillFreezeOverBeforeWeWinTheStanleyCup Maple Leafs.

(This makes perfect sense if you understand that the Toronto Maple Leafs haven’t won the Stanley Cup since the mid 1950s and Leaf fans are die-hard fans, every year hopeful that they’ll win the Cup, only to die in the playoffs. Every.damn.year.)

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