Joke-Off: Awkward Parties To Throw For Children

07/03/2013 · 13 comments

in Joke Off

Some people throw their children period parties, and I think that is endlessly strange.

I understand that having a period means you can thusly create life, but for the majority of your life, it’s going to be one big goddamn inconvenience. You’ll ruin half a drawer of good underwear and tear through more cotton than Eli Whitney just trying to contain the lot nature punched you in the pussy with.

That shit blows.

But, at least, it’s one of the least awkward parties I can think up for children. Add your submissions into the comments below! We’ll vote tomorrow, winner announced on Friday.

Joke-Off: Awkward Parties To Throw For Children

  • First Boner
  • First Boner During Math Class And Also Everyone Saw
  • Santa’s Not Real And Neither Is A Stable Adulthood
  • It Never Really Gets Better, You Just Get Hairier
  • In 1860 You’d Be Supporting A Family By Now
  • Didn’t Cry At A Sleepover First Time Ever
  • You Need Deodorant!
  • Time To Be A Slave To Shaving Forever
  • Sticky Sheets Smelly Feets
  • Acne Has Made You Its Bitch
  • Acne Doesn’t Just Stop One Day It’s With You Forever Like The Overwhelming Ramifications Of Human Mortality
  • Awkward Phase Activate!
  • Everything’s Black Because You Have So Many Feelings
  • The Dog Didn’t Run Away
  • I Can’t Wait To Hate You For 7 Years
  • You’re The Biggest Mean Girl, And That Means You Fail
  • Poor Decisions Poor Hygiene
  • Fame Is Unattainable By Most
  • You Aren’t Special, It’s Time You Knew
  • It’s Called Photoshop And The Reason Why You Have Body Issues
  • The World Is Cruel And Hates You
  • Old Enough For Pubes, Too Old For Skid Marks
  • Everyone Knows What You’re Doing In There
  • You’re About To Enter 7 Years Of The Worst Hell You Can Imagine
  • You’re Getting Breasts: Time To Be Ashamed Of Them
  • Your Room Smells Awful
  • Scrub-A-Dub-Dub, I’m Not Touching Your Laundry Ever Again
Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Abby: I can’t decide if I hate people more who do it on the sidewalk or in the grocery store, but I think it’s the sidewalk. Why? Because in the grocery store I just keep on trucking and bash that bastard with my cart. Toddlers? The elderly? No one is immune from bad manners. And if they’re texting when said incident occurs, I go home and swiftly craft a voodoo doll in their honor. No questions asked.
Todd July 3, 2013 at 2:53 am

You Finally Understand what “Sheet Wrestling” Means
Todd recently posted..Life is a Massive Sugar Overload/Brain-freeze combo

Todd July 3, 2013 at 2:55 am

Congratulations on Not Obsessing Over Death Like Daddy
Todd recently posted..Life is a Massive Sugar Overload/Brain-freeze combo

Mayor Gia July 3, 2013 at 6:48 am

Grandpa’s dying!
Mommy drinks because you’re an asshole
Daddy spent your college fund on hookers and blow!
Mayor Gia recently posted..Then Boyfriend Electrocuted Me

Ashton July 3, 2013 at 6:53 am

Enjoy Your Tight Vag While You Can Because One Day A Baby Will Destroy It.

Ashton July 3, 2013 at 6:56 am

Mommy and Daddy Are Getting Divorced And It’s All Your Fault.

Get Ready For Disappointment Because You’re Going To Be Seeing A Lot Of It.

You Are Our Least Favourite Child.

nadine July 3, 2013 at 8:11 am

How is a bris not awkward? Congrats on your penis trim.
nadine recently posted..Plated: A Review & A Giveaway

Katie Jane July 3, 2013 at 10:27 am

You Have Mastered the Art of Duck Face Selfies!
Your Brother Was An Accident. You Were the Mistake.
Congratulations You’ve Peaked In High School!
Congratulations The Lunch Lady is Your BFF!

Dana the Biped July 3, 2013 at 1:07 pm

You can finally blow your own damn nose!

We’re Cutting the Apron Strings! And Your Allowance! You’re Thirty!

We Know About the Magazine Under Your Bed

Teenage Pregnacy is a Gift

Congrats on Getting Your First Creepy Wolf Whistle!
Dana the Biped recently posted..I Almost Got Peed On By a Lesbian and Other Coincidences

Azrael July 3, 2013 at 1:28 pm

“Old enough to grow your own crotchfruit now”

Complete with “pin the tampax on the vagina”
Azrael recently posted..Why are you here?

Abby July 3, 2013 at 3:14 pm

I only threw you this party so I can blog about it. Smile!
Abby recently posted..The Internship

Bellum July 3, 2013 at 7:50 pm

Congratulations! Eating this cake will put you on your way to an eating disorder!

Yes, your body is weird, and we all noticed!

When you hide your alcohol, find a better place than under the bed. Your mom WILL find that shit.

Bill G. July 3, 2013 at 8:58 pm

Go outside when it’s hot and do a little crotch-pot cooking.

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