Adrian has been waiting since Sunday for his bag to arrive from Charlotte. They told us we could track it, and that was a lie. They told us it would be here Monday, and that was a lie. They said they tried to drop it off at our house but no one was home–also a goddamned lie because I have not left my house since Sunday BECAUSE I’M WAITING ON ALL OF ADRIAN’S THINGS TO COME IN.
I just want to use my own toothbrush and deodorant without sharing again.
I can’t be the only one who has complaints, right? Add your submissions into the comments below, whether they’re real or made-up, and we’ll vote tomorrow. Extra points and extra GIF prize if yours is chosen and real.
Joke-Off: Airline Complaints
- You dropped my bag off the cart and ran over it which exploded my hairspray and also my bag and set it all on fire. (Real thing that happened to my cousin)
- You detained me for having a weapon, but that is just my prosthetic leg. (real–my sister)
- You detained me for smuggling cocaine, but it was just a vase. (real–Adrian)
- A man used foot spray copiously for the duration of the flight while resting his feet on the tray table (real–me)
- You shipped my dog to Japan.
- My chair smelled like farts.
- You lost my Grandmother.
- You lost my Grandmother’s body.
- You delivered the wrong body to me.
- My dildo did not arrive with my bag.
- I was swept away by the luggage carousel. (real–saw it happen)
- My rainstick was exploded by the luggage carousel (real–saw it happen)
- You booked me on a flight from DFW–NY and for my return trip, you booked me on the same flight. (real–me!)
- My peanuts were fucking terrible.
- I had to watch The Proposal.
- The bathroom was just too large for my liking.
- My flight attendant looked suspiciously happy to be on board.
- Someone filled an entire overhead bin with just coats, and you made me check my bag because of that. (REAL MOTHERFUCKER)
- You booked me a seat next to someone who did not understand the headphone rule
- You only carried off-brand soda on the flight
- My salad was $100, but it tasted like beige looks
- I was made to check my chainsaw.
- I was unaware I could not carrie a 13′ bowie knife through security.
- I was pulled for special screening because my bag said fuck on it (Real–me, and also my fault)
- No one did the wave when we landed.
- The jetway decor gave me epilepsy.
- I had to fly Spirit.