Joke-Off: Airline Complaints

07/23/2013 · 22 comments

in Joke Off

Adrian has been waiting since Sunday for his bag to arrive from Charlotte. They told us we could track it, and that was a lie. They told us it would be here Monday, and that was a lie. They said they tried to drop it off at our house but no one was home–also a goddamned lie because I have not left my house since Sunday BECAUSE I’M WAITING ON ALL OF ADRIAN’S THINGS TO COME IN.

I just want to use my own toothbrush and deodorant without sharing again.

I can’t be the only one who has complaints, right? Add your submissions into the comments below, whether they’re real or made-up, and we’ll vote tomorrow. Extra points and extra GIF prize if yours is chosen and real.

Joke-Off: Airline Complaints

  • You dropped my bag off the cart and ran over it which exploded my hairspray and also my bag and set it all on fire. (Real thing that happened to my cousin)
  • You detained me for having a weapon, but that is just my prosthetic leg. (real–my sister)
  • You detained me for smuggling cocaine, but it was just a vase. (real–Adrian)
  • A man used foot spray copiously for the duration of the flight while resting his feet on the tray table (real–me)
  • You shipped my dog to Japan.
  • My chair smelled like farts.
  • You lost my Grandmother.
  • You lost my Grandmother’s body.
  • You delivered the wrong body to me.
  • My dildo did not arrive with my bag.
  • I was swept away by the luggage carousel. (real–saw it happen)
  • My rainstick was exploded by the luggage carousel (real–saw it happen)
  • You booked me on a flight from DFW–NY and for my return trip, you booked me on the same flight. (real–me!)
  • My peanuts were fucking terrible.
  • I had to watch The Proposal.
  • The bathroom was just too large for my liking.
  • My flight attendant looked suspiciously happy to be on board.
  • Someone filled an entire overhead bin with just coats, and you made me check my bag because of that. (REAL MOTHERFUCKER)
  • You booked me a seat next to someone who did not understand the headphone rule
  • You only carried off-brand soda on the flight
  • My salad was $100, but it tasted like beige looks
  • I was made to check my chainsaw.
  • I was unaware I could not carrie a 13′ bowie knife through security.
  • I was pulled for special screening because my bag said fuck on it (Real–me, and also my fault)
  • No one did the wave when we landed.
  • The jetway decor gave me epilepsy.
  • I had to fly Spirit.
Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Roxie: Why do you keep assuming that all these people are not crazy?
Todd July 23, 2013 at 10:02 pm

I think we all can safely assume that on a 4-hour flight, a little dry humping between consenting adults is really not a problem because, hey, 4-hour flight.
Todd recently posted..Angry fat pool boys

Todd July 23, 2013 at 10:48 pm

The plane toilet flush was so violent, my soul shot outta my ass.
Todd recently posted..Angry fat pool boys

Todd July 23, 2013 at 11:01 pm

I was so cold, my nipples nearly knocked over my can of Tab cola.
Todd recently posted..Angry fat pool boys

Mayor Gia July 24, 2013 at 6:49 am

There were too many motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane!
Mayor Gia recently posted..The Story of Leviticus

Chooplah July 24, 2013 at 12:50 pm
Roxie July 24, 2013 at 10:00 am

I can’t find the gate for ATA.

Roxie July 24, 2013 at 10:02 am

Your seats only fit Bjork.

Roxie July 24, 2013 at 10:04 am

There wasn’t enough room in your bathroom to lean over, so I couldn’t wipe.

Roxie July 24, 2013 at 10:05 am

I involuntarily stretched from fatigue, and the plane’s sides ripped like the Hulk’s shirt-sleeves.

Dawn Nikithser July 24, 2013 at 11:21 am

You sat me in a seat that had a broken air conditioning vent above it, which dripped dirty, freezing cold water on me throughout the entire flight, and you wouldn’t move me to another seat. (British Airways, the bastards)

Chooplah July 24, 2013 at 12:56 pm

You hired Beliebers to yell lust fueled obscenities at passengers who board too slowly. (Hawaiian Air)
Chooplah recently posted..6 Google Searches That Will Make You Lose Faith in Humanity

ColinP July 24, 2013 at 1:36 pm

Let me set the scene: The plane suddenly and dramatically sways from side to side (while still at the gate) while I am using the bathroom (in the plane).

The PA turns on: [Incomprehensible Finnish]
[Then in English]: All passengers must immediately disembark the plane as it has been hit by a truck.
ColinP recently posted..Requiescat in Pace Tony Scott (06/21/1944 – 08/19/2012)

ColinP July 24, 2013 at 1:46 pm

Actual conversation I had with a ticketing agent while checking in:
Me: “So what you’re telling me is that you don’t have a baggage transfer agreement with the airline for my connecting flight when I arrive in Las Vegas. And that I have to wait for my bag at the carousel and then go check back in, go back through security and then run the entire length of the airport to get on my connecting flight in an hour and the flight is already 20 minutes behind and this strikes you as something that can be accomplished?”
Them: “Yes.”
Me: “Have you been randomly drugged screened lately? Because if not that needs to happen…”
ColinP recently posted..Requiescat in Pace Tony Scott (06/21/1944 – 08/19/2012)

Grace July 24, 2013 at 2:06 pm

You loaded, then unloaded our luggage and left it on the Tarmac as we took off-real Amarillo

You lost my bag and had no one to help me locate it because “Everyone took off early today”- Real (also it was 3pm, also never fly Frontier) Iowa

I was made to remove my pants in the security area, for no discernible reason- real, happened TWICE Germany and Amarillo

Red flashing lights and sirens went off in security because my lotion set off the bomb checking machine (seriously? That machine can’t tell the difference in lotion, Tylenol and gun powder???)- real Amarillo

The windshield shattered during takeoff, causing me to spill my Bloody Mary on a toddler- real, Detroit

Here’s hoping our flight with Noa and an 8month old to New Mexico goes well, I am not optimistic!

Bill G. July 26, 2013 at 9:01 am

When I flew to Iowa on Frontier, they also lost my checked bags. I’ll give them props for doing what they said they’d do and have it delivered to my hotel room by 8:00 AM the next day, but I don’t see how they lost my luggage on a 2 hour direct flight with no layovers.

Dana the Biped July 24, 2013 at 2:07 pm

You wouldn’t let me bring my sword as a carry-on. (Real, my friend Mike the Deer-Puncher)

You tried to count my sweatshirt as my carry-on. (real, me)
Dana the Biped recently posted..Hiatus

Skylar July 24, 2013 at 3:01 pm

You “lost” my bag and miraculously found it with every single souvenir broken/ripped into itty bitty pieces, whether they were plastic, glass, or paper. (real–my mom and sister after a trip to Georgia for St. Patrick’s weekend)

asp July 24, 2013 at 3:42 pm

A bug the size of a silver dollar landed on the woman in front of me and when she freaked out, it freaked out and *FLEW* straight up, hit the ceiling, and ricocheted through the plane bouncing loudly off the overhead compartments 4 or 5 times before collapsing in death in the middle of the aisle. Where it stayed for the remainder of the flight. (real, Thailand)

Kate July 24, 2013 at 6:39 pm

Your wheelchair service took almost the entirety of our FOUR HOUR LAYOVER to get us from one terminal to another, including the 50 minutes sitting at the curb where you left us and never came back (real–Heathrow)

The emergency brakes came on mid-takeoff, stopping us on a dime and giving everyone whiplash. The cause: someone hadn’t cleaned the door sensor in far too long, so it was reading as still open and the automated systems wouldn’t let the plane take off. Can I get some Windex on runway 3? (real–Dallas/Ft. Worth)

Bill G. July 26, 2013 at 9:29 am

They told you that the plane wouldn’t let itself takeoff? That’s funny. No, the airplane will never slam on the brakes by itself. Here’s what really happened: pilot missed the big red DOOR warning light during preflight checks. During takeoff roll, he saw it, said a quick ‘Oh Fuck!’, slapped back the throttles, and jammed on the brakes for an RTO (Rejected Takeoff). This actually happened with a B-1 bomber (except the light came on at 85 knots, the pilot didn’t miss it during preflight).

When a pilot screws up, it’s better to have a ground emergency than an in-flight emergency on his record. I’m sure the dirty door sensor was real but what they told you was a CYA cover-story.

Valerie July 24, 2013 at 8:37 pm

I was trapped in my seat because you sat me I between 2 fat people, and I shit my pants. A little.

Hugs!

Valerie
Valerie recently posted..I may be crazy, but I think my Girl Mannequin Child may be living duel lives…

Bill G. July 26, 2013 at 9:30 am

I farted and it got blamed on an old guy–real, me.

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