Also, I Hope Your Children Are Lifelong Disappointments

07/14/2013 · 22 comments

in Psychological Warfare, What Is Wrong With You?

To The Laughably Bad Restaurant Manager In New York:

I don’t know if you’ve ever eaten at a restaurant before, but if you have, you were clearly so disenchanted by the experience you had there you sought to ruin restaurants for everyone forever. You started a hate-cycle of food that has now implanted itself into my heart like Venom from Spiderman, and I hate you for it.

It took you 15 minutes to seat us. I’m not convinced that a hostess sat us, but perhaps just a sympathetic fellow patron.

It took 20 minutes to just come get our order for one round of drinks, which included water for everyone, one beer, and two pitches of Sangria.

It took 20 more minutes for those drinks to come to the table. They were delivered hatefully. Those were the only drinks we would be having all night because you are a ninja of ignorance.

It took 20 more minutes to come take our food order, which was 4 pizzas, 4 paninis, and 1 pasta dish. Not extraordinary, but your disdain was palpable. I sincerely apologize for ordering the food offered at your establishment.

It took 1 hour and 30 minutes after you took the order to get the food.

That’s a total of 2 hours and 45 minutes in your restaurant. You can go fuck yourself.

In the time it took us to finish up at the restaurant, the following things happened:

  • I got drunk, and then sobered up totally.
  • One member of our party went from Chelsea to Brooklyn to pick out a wedding dress, picked one out, paid for it, and then returned to Chelsea before the food came.
  • Another member of our party drove from Philadelphia to Brooklyn and then took a train to Chelsea to meet us before the food came
  • We realized everyone who worked there hated the thought of people being convenienced.

When we asked what the problem was, you proceeded to make it our fault that your restaurant is more incompetent that I could have ever imagined. You specifically told us, with a bitch-tone:

  • You’re a large party, and we had a hard time accommodating you.
    • 12 people is a large party, but considering we were THE ONLY ONES THERE, it doesn’t seem a hard to accomplish feat. Go fuck yourself.
  • The Paninis take a long time to make.
    • No, they don’t, because they’re motherfucking grilled sandwiches. Unless you custom-forged each panini press for each individual sandwich (which would explain why they were all burnt), you can go fuck yourself.
  • We are not a deli, you are in a restaurant. 
    • Oh, now you can suck a universe full of dicks, and then go fuck yourself with them. Tourists we may be, but I am not a barefoot yokel from the Deliverance Appalachians. I am aware of the function of restaurants, and in fact, most of us have worked in or currently work in restaurants. Go fuck yourself.

I hope that your restaurant fails. I hope that you have to leave that building in the dark of night because of your financial problems that your lack of attention brought about. I hope that your servers get caught fucking in the sink and it gets posted to Vine and everyone learns about it. I hope you burn your hands every day on the panini press.

You’re a horrible person.

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Chooplah: If only I could land me some swag……
Todd July 15, 2013 at 12:28 am

He though you wanted to dine European style.

Bill G. July 15, 2013 at 12:45 am

Or Quebec style, which is carbon-copy French. Spend 4 hours there, eat food that’s been kicked around the kitchen floor first, and be treated like yesterday’s garbage. Everybody there needs punched.

Janene July 15, 2013 at 3:05 pm

I think it makes a difference if you speak fluent French. I went to a couple of restaurants with my (now ex) boyfriend who was Quebecois, and I never noticed a difference. Granted, I imagine that if I tried, I would’ve gotten attitude.

Bill G. July 15, 2013 at 12:43 am

So the slow service was your fault for ordering what was on the menu. Nice.

One time I stopped off on a road trip to visit a friend that I hadn’t seen in about 5 years and we went to a restaurant that he raved over. Of course, that night was the king daddy of off-nights. The obviously stoned hostess seated us (I really don’t care about the stoned part as long as you can do your fucking job; it took this chick 3 tries to bring us menus).

It took the waitress 15 minutes to come over and take our order, another 15 minutes to bring our drinks, and another 20 minutes to bring appetizers. Friend kept telling me, “I don’t know why they’re so slow tonight. They’re never like this and the food here is awesome.” The Vietnamese tacos were ice cold, as were the bang-bang shrimp. Not impressive.

After that, our waitress went AWOL. We seriously discussed just paying for what we had and going somewhere else. We could’ve (and should’ve) just walked right then. We waited and waited and waited for the waitress. We flagged down a different waitress to bring us drink refills at least. After being there a total of 1 hour and 45 minutes, our waitress came back obviously stoned and reeking of alcohol (again, I don’t care as long as you can do your job; this bitch was totally bushwacked). She dropped the check on the table and asked if we needed anything else. Uh, we never got anything after the appetizers. She claimed that she lost track because she’s so busy. There were 3 tables and 10 people total in a place that could easily seat 100 people.

We were done. We took our check up to the manager and told him we’re not paying for main courses that we never received. We also told him that his hostess and waitress are obviously high and probably drunk too. Being in this place for longer than 10 minutes, we’re probably going to come up positive on something, too. He didn’t charge us for anything, but it was 2 hours I’ll never get back. What a fucked up place, no wonder there were no customers there. They took that place down the shitter in a hurry.

Bill G. July 15, 2013 at 12:50 am

This has Guy Fieri written all over it, are you sure you didn’t stop into one of his restaurants by mistake? His restaurant reviews have been getting savaged in the New York press lately. I always trust a “chef” that endorses TGI Friday’s, a place that used to be good in the early 1990s but been mismanaged into the restaurant hell that you see today. (TGI’s is the restaurant version of Best Buy. Fuck them both with a chainsaw.)

Jaime July 15, 2013 at 1:23 am

what kind of tip did you leave…. with service like that, I hope it was something terribly insulting.. like a penny. Although it’s more insulting in Canada because they aren’t in circulation anymore.

Mayor Gia July 15, 2013 at 6:57 am

Ha! It’s worrisome why the food was taking so long. Were they trying to finish a group circle jerk in the back before you guys came in? YAY TEAMWORK! Sigh.
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Bill G. July 16, 2013 at 7:20 pm

No joke. Being that slow requires effort.

Katie Jane July 15, 2013 at 8:02 am

So, I read you all the time but comment…like never. But today, you brought up something that just eats my ass. Bad service in a restaurant. Eats. My. Ass. Ask any of my sisters. They will never ever go to Denny’s with me again. I was THAT lady. That lost her damn cool over warm orange juice and cold, as in the grease had congealed, scrambled eggs. (On a side note…why the hell were my eggs so greasy?)

And as soon as I read the whole “Deliverance Appalachians” line…well, I was willing you to get your party of 12 to take off ya’lls shoes and dance Turkey In The Hay. That woulda showed em’!

Alison July 15, 2013 at 8:42 am

Wow, that sounds … special. I had service like that once, but there were only 3 of us and they didn’t even care enough to make excuses. It was a place where you take your check up to the front to pay. We stood there for 30 minutes and nobody came to take our payment, so we left. Is it a dine and dash if you try to pay for that long? We decided not.
Alison recently posted..No time traveling for me, thanks!

Bill G. July 16, 2013 at 9:11 pm

I’ve done that before, too. They clearly didn’t want my money.

Dave in Sherman July 15, 2013 at 10:55 am

Sadly, this has been our experiance in MOST indi resturants in the NYC area. It’s like the industry there buys into the whole “asshole on the menu with a side of attitude” kind of atmosphere. Hit the lower west side and find an old boxer pub for your party and wait till you get back to Dallas to go out to eat.
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Haley July 15, 2013 at 12:49 pm

As one of those barefoot yokels from the Deliverance Appalachians (it was literally filmed where I live, unfortunately) who has worked in serving those of great appetites, I sincerely hope that someone shoves a mailbox so far that server’s ass that they will be saying “got mail” for the rest of their useless life.
Haley recently posted..Shit My Boss Says

Ali M July 15, 2013 at 1:23 pm

But how do you really feel? ;) NAME THE CULPRITS! Out them!

Misty July 15, 2013 at 1:48 pm

Yeah, pretty much sounds like that’s all on you. Restaurants HATE large parties. HATE them. A large group of people who want to eat and be merry in your establishment, most likely ordering lots of drinks to revel in the festivities and ordering a bunch of food, so that they end up paying your establishment a large sum of money, and most likely tipping the server a pretty hefty sum based on the final bill? HATE that. You should seriously be ashamed of yourselves.
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Abby July 15, 2013 at 2:49 pm

Yes, exactly what Misty said. May a million panini presses rain down on the bitch and press her tits into oblivion (with a delicate golden crush and perfect grill marks.) The manager. Not Misty.
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Abby July 15, 2013 at 2:50 pm

Ugh. “crust” not “crush.” I had violence on the brain.
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Starle July 15, 2013 at 5:46 pm

Jesus fucking Christ on the cross. If you are Irish; Mary Mother of God and Joseph The Carpenter. that is some craptastic service right there. Noa, bunny, if you come to the UK, please get with some ex-pats or you might combustion with yourself and come flying out of your own skin.
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Cheryl S. July 16, 2013 at 1:20 pm

My dad tells a story like that. They got such hellacious service at an NYC restuarant that they left a dime, a nickel and three pennies as a tip. They wanted the waitress to know they didn’t forget, but instead, thought her service was basically worthless. She picked up the check as they were leaving. When she saw her tip, she CHASED THEM DOWN THE STREET!

Bill G. July 16, 2013 at 9:26 pm

Good lord. If I saw my waitress get out and chase somebody down the street, that would be my cue to haul ass. She’s the type that would be packing an ice pick.

When I lived in Virginia 10+ years ago, I was with my girlfriend and a friend of hers in a cafe having coffee and a piece of pie. If you have to hunt down the waitress for a coffee refill (or get it yourself) in a cafe that has 4 customers in it, the waitress is shitty. My girlfriend tipped her with a nickel and dime. She came out and confronted us when we were getting in the car. My girlfriend’s friend started with, “Oh, you want an itemized list of why you suck….!!” and gave her what-for. Badass bitch and I love her for it.

Valerie July 16, 2013 at 8:52 pm

There’s only one way to deal with customer service this bad… It involves throwing poo. I’ve been saving all mine for something as special as this. I will meet you in front of the restaurant at midnight.

I will be the one in the bandit hat…. Holding a bag of poo.


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