You’re A Hippocratic Douche

06/23/2013 · 18 comments

in What Is Wrong With You?

Doctor: So you’re here for a physical?
Noa: Yes.
Doctor: Any concerns?
Noa: Well, my grandmother recently passed away from uterine cancer, and my aunt had breast cancer twice.
Doctor: …okay?
Noa: So it’s something I’m relatively concerned about.
Doctor: Well, do you have any lumps or pain?
Noa: No, I don’t. I was saying that so it would be in my history. I don’t think I have uterine cancer, I just think it’s something to watch for, you know?
Doctor: Well then if you’re not having symptoms, then let’s not worry about it.
Noa: Um, okay?
Doctor: Do you have any family history of heart problems?
Noa: My grandmother, yes. And I have mitral valve prolapse.
Doctor: WHO told you that?
Noa: …A cardiologist.
Doctor: Not Google?
Noa: No. A cardiologist. After a 24-hour heart monitor, an echo, and a stress test. So, you know, something I actively have symptoms for and was diagnosed for legitimately.
Doctor: Okay, let’s move on. Your blood test came back. You’re really close to having diabetes, your sugar is high.
Noa: Um, what?
Doctor: So, you know, lose 15-20 lbs and you’ll be fine.
Noa: I’m sorry, I almost have diabetes?
Doctor: Yes. You are overweight.
Noa: …am I? I know I’ve put on 10 lbs this year, but I didn’t know I put on 10 lbs of straight diabetes weight.
Doctor: Well, normally I wouldn’t be so concerned, but with your, um, “heart condition.”
Noa: I weigh 115 pounds.
Doctor: Be less than that. Have a nice day.

And then she left the room.

I’m going to a new doctor next week.

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Dana The Biped: I have found the way to get the perfect haircut: I plop my ass down in the chair and say, “You’re the expert. Make me look pretty.” And then the stylist feels super-pressured and I get a terrific haircut. And sometimes a free style. 
Banana Stickers June 23, 2013 at 10:53 pm

Granted, after working with doctors for nearly a decade, I understand why a lot of them are miserable dickholes, but this lady just sounds like an overall shitty person who got her doctor licence from a cereal box. She probably kicks kittens and bathes in their tears in her free time.
On a side note, I hope you don’t have diabetes and that you find a less horrible doctor soon.
On another side note, were you fasting before your blood work? Something as simple as a half a glass of orange juice could make you a candidate for blood sugar testing supplies commercials.
Banana Stickers recently posted..I have a horrible case of the kittens.

Jaime June 23, 2013 at 11:56 pm

sometimes doctors can be total douche’s… one doctor asked me if I had any kids and when I said no she asked how old I was … when I said I was 30, she said, “well you should get on that” …thanks doctor for judging my life choices.

Mayor Gia June 24, 2013 at 6:50 am

Ohhhh the posts I have about shitty doctors. See and

Bedside manner needs work, methinks.
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Lydia June 24, 2013 at 8:12 am

I see your douche and raise you the OB/GYN who asked me (whilst knuckle deep in my cooch) how many children I had. I answered 2 and he replied “Well I guess that’s acceptable”. Oh well sweet, now that you’ve validated me I can keep my baby makin’ parts locked up. Twatwaffle <- OMG DO YOU SEE WHAT I DID THERE

nadine June 24, 2013 at 8:40 am

My god if the comments here turn into “doctors are all quacks and this is why I only deal in holistic medicine and crystals” then I’m just going to light my computer on fire with a big wad of burning sage.
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Jen June 24, 2013 at 11:36 am

Oh, fuck that hippy-dippy noise. I will take prescription meds and a certified asshole of an M.D. over a handful of magic beans and some dipshit who got their “medical degree” from ‘Uncle Zippy’s Med School ‘n Smoothie Shack’.
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KShaw June 24, 2013 at 9:10 am

oh, Good Hell. I cannot even form a coherent sentence over the urge to punch this woman in the junk. I weigh a lot (like a whole person more) more than you, and my doctor didn’t give me any grief about diabetes, just said, “hey, let’s try to get your weight down.” You are TINY, even by waif standards!
(I am usually just a lurker here, but had to express my utter flabbergast-ed-ness at the stupidy of that person who gave you crap)

Janene June 24, 2013 at 9:24 am

I personally liked how my doctor told me that “swimming lengths wasn’t enough” when I told her that it was my choice mode of exercise. Granted, I am fat, but if at the end of the day, I either swam or did nothing, I think my doctor should be happy that I’m doing swimming. ‘Suggesting’ that I change my diet and start power walking just ain’t gonna happen, sista. Gotta do the build-up first, and also, hello, whatever happened to figuring out what works for the patient? Sheesh.

Bill G. June 24, 2013 at 6:46 pm

Swimming is a really decent cardio exercise and works the full body, I can’t imagine a doctor turning their nose up at that. This chick needs punched.

As a pretty chunky guy, no doctor has ever said anything to me about my weight but any woman that I ask has many tales of doctor ass-hattery on the subject. Think I’m seeing a pattern here….

Janene June 26, 2013 at 2:24 pm

I think my favourite run-in with my doc was when her office bitched me out for going to a walk-in clinic for a prescription for antibiotics. Why? Because my doctor had to pay that doctor for my visit. The nerve of me to not want to drive 45 minutes to see a doctor within her ‘network’ and only wanting to drive 15 minutes to see one in a walk-in clinic when her office was closed!

Jen June 24, 2013 at 11:34 am

I recently had a doctor say, “Well, we COULD put you on a transplant list, but honestly? You’ve led a good life, and your kids are practically grown.” I am 42 years old. . .my twins are 10. Am currently plotting how I can roofie the bitch and harvest HER kidneys in a motel room ice bath.
Jen recently posted..Depression hurts. Jodi Arias can help.

Valerie June 24, 2013 at 12:28 pm

So, whenever I weigh myself from now on, I’ll just mumble “be less than that” and apparently everything will sort itself out.

What a douchnozzle


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ColinP June 24, 2013 at 12:40 pm

Since when is 115 lbs overweight? Seriously, if you gained 10 lbs to get there this year I would be hugely concerned that you are underweight. I agree with your plan, a new doctor is required.
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Dana the Biped June 24, 2013 at 1:28 pm

My rheumatologist in high school forgot to tell me that my prognosis had improved from “don’t expect to live to graduate from college” to “this is under control and with some maintenance medication you should live to be eighty”. For a year. I spent a whole year longer than I needed to thinking I was going to die because she–whoopsie!–forgot.
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Jes June 24, 2013 at 10:08 pm

This doctor sounds like an abominable twat. Good plan to find a new one… best of luck with your doctor hunt.

Lisa Newlin June 24, 2013 at 10:38 pm

That doctor is going to feel really bad when she realizes that 10 pounds of diabetes isn’t really diabetes at all…it’s a tumor that’s uterine cancer, and she could have found it had she listened to you about your family history.

The good part of this story is that the uterine cancer will be totally treatable and you will have it removed and have a bionic uterus installed instead, and you will give birth to a bunch of Ryan Gosling look alikes.

That way the doctor can suck it and I can take Ryan Gosling to my office Christmas party. Everyone wins.
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Kate June 28, 2013 at 4:13 pm

So wait… 115 lbs is overweight? I must be morbidly obese. What is wrong with this doctor?!
Kate recently posted..Just let him pay

Utterphaylia July 1, 2013 at 12:41 pm

My (former) gynecologist told me that if I were to have a baby, and it got stuck in all the extra weight I had “going on down there” and the baby ended up with major brain damage, that it would be “on me”. This was after he suggested that I would be a bad mom because I’m “chunky”. Thanks, Doctor Ass-Wipe!


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