Phillip Phillips Wants You To Jack Him Off

06/03/2013 · 7 comments

in Psychological Warfare, What Is Wrong With You?

Phillip Phillips released a song a while back called Gone, Gone, Gone. Some people hate it because it’s country. Some hate it because it’s almost exactly like his first hit, Home. Some hate it because his name is Phillip Phillips.

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Hate it all you want for as many different reasons as you want, but we can all agree on one thing: the song is about begrudging favor-sex.

You may think it’s about love, or long distance relationships, or even Nicolas Cage’s career options, but you are wrong. Phillip Phillips isn’t gonna love you forever, he just wants a handy in exchange for some half-assed lovin’.

Let’s look at the evidence:

When life leaves you high and dry
I’ll be at your door tonight
If you need help, if you need help
I’ll shut down the city lights,
I’ll lie, cheat, I’ll beg and bribe
To make you well, to make you well

What our boy PP is saying here is that if you’re horny, he will literally beat a path to your door to do so can get off. HOW NICE OF HIM. Nicer things have been said to me to get me into bed, but hey, for a guy with the same name times two, you could do worse.

When enemies are at your door
I’ll carry you away from war
If you need help, if you need help
Your hope dangling by a string
I’ll share in your suffering
To make you well, to make you well

Oh my god, what a nice guy is he? No matter how horny you get, dangling by a string of hope of your impending orgasm, and he’ll be right there beside you. He’s not gonna leave you high and dry, no way. He’s not like those other guys.

Well, not as long as…

Give me reasons to believe
That you would do the same for me

Dick move, PP. Literal Dick Move. He’ll give you a helping hand (get it?!), as long as you promise to give him one in return. Shit ain’t free, y’all.

And I would do it for you, for you
Baby, I’m not moving on
I love you long after you’re gone.
For you, for you.
You would never sleep alone
I love you long after you’re gone
And long after you’re gone, gone, gone.

As long as you jack him off, he’s gonna love you for a long, long, long time. Long after you’ve gone and gone and gone, he’s gonna be there for you, sleeping beside you. Begrudgingly.

When you fall like a statue
I’m gon’ be there to catch you
Put you on your feet, you on your feet
And if your well is empty
Not a thing will prevent me
Tell me what you need, what do you need

I surrender honestly
You’ve always done the same for me

It’s at this point that most people stop thinking my, “PP is singing about favor-handys,” is correct. How could such a nice song be about that?

This straight out of a goddamn romance novel, right? He’ll catch you in the throes of passion. He’ll help you up after he’s given you so much. After all, it’s what you’ve always done for him.

Like a drum, baby, don’t stop beating
Like a drum, baby, don’t stop beating
Like a drum, baby, don’t stop beating
Like a drum my heart never stops beating

Gross, PP. Gross.

Are there any other songs out there that don’t mean what people think they mean?

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Misty:  Holy shit, that first comic is MY ENTIRE LIFE. “I hate my job and want to quit.” “Well, what do you WANT to do?” “I don’t know.” “What about this?” “No.” “How about that?” “No.” “Well then, you might like this?” “Never.” Continued ad infinitum until they find me dead at my desk at the advanced at of 89 . . .
Mayor Gia June 3, 2013 at 6:43 am

Haaaa! I was actually just listening to that song last night because it’s cute even though it’s identical to his first song. (But come on, look at mumford and sons! They created 5-6 minutes of music once and they release it as different singles every few months and we all fall for it.) Anyhoo, Phillip Phillips is a ridiculous name and his parents deserve just a little bit of a beatdown for it.
Mayor Gia recently posted..Summer Dilemma

Jen June 3, 2013 at 11:40 am

My wedding song was Sting’s “Fields of Gold”. A song about dead people. People who “make promises lightly”, then break them, and then die. This should have been a Communist Party sized red flag for me, but sadly. . .no.
Jen recently posted..ADULTHOOD: Crushing Dreams and Lowering Expectations since 1829

Misty June 3, 2013 at 1:15 pm

“I love you long after you’re gone.” = masterbating to thoughts of her

“And if your well is empty
Not a thing will prevent me” = date rape

Yeah, that P-squared is a real skeezy douche alright. I’m with you, Noa.
Misty recently posted..Who Wants to Touch The Butt?

Valerie June 3, 2013 at 10:14 pm

Pffft… Whatever, Phillip. Where the hell were you 20 minutes ago when I was hiding in my attic trying to masturbate where the kids can’t find me. My hand is sore and I think I spained my ankle climbing down the ladder. Real “team player” you are.

Hugs!

Valerie
Valerie recently posted..And then Dog Heaven received the most amazing animal known to man. We’ll miss you, Zero.

negar July 2, 2013 at 11:17 am

?what you say is ridiculous !the fact that some people hate phillip cant be a reason to tell these things that are not true.you’re wrong thats not the meaning . this is a love song and phillip phillips has told it in an interview .and its clear .whats wrong with this part forexample?
:
Give me reasons to believe
That you would do the same for me

he is asking the girl to make him sure that she loves him too.
and when he says
When life leaves you high and dry
“I’ll be at your door tonight
If you need help, if you need help”
its never about what u say.he is saying that when life doesnt give u what u want im ready to help u and id do anything for ya
at all he is happy because the girl is happy without him.
(its not just what i say )
hey all of u i dont blam u because of the fact that u dont like him but u are not allowed to say these things and make a bad guy out of phillip in theother people’s minds .
AND A FACT THAT WE ALL KNOW IS THAT WE CANT JUDGE ABOUT SOMEONE’S PERSONALITY JUST BECAUSE OF WHAT HE OR SHE HAS TOLD IN A SONG!REMEMBER THAT ALMOST ALL OF THE SINGERS HAVE SONGS WITH BAD MEANINGS BUT ITS NOT A REASON TO SAY THEIR PERSONALITY IS BAD.ANYWAY LETS THINK WHAT U SAY IS TRUE(HOWEVER ITS NOT) AND THEN READ MY LAST 5 LINES AGAIN. U ARE DOING THAT

negar July 2, 2013 at 11:19 am

?what you say is ridiculous !the fact that some people hate phillip cant be a reason to tell these things that are not true.you’re wrong thats not the meaning . this is a love song and phillip phillips has told it in an interview .and its clear .whats wrong with this part forexample?
:
Give me reasons to believe
That you would do the same for me

he is asking the girl to make him sure that she loves him too.
and when he says
When life leaves you high and dry
“I’ll be at your door tonight
If you need help, if you need help”
its never about what u say.he is saying that when life doesnt give u what u want im ready to help u and id do anything for ya
at all he is happy because the girl is happy without him.
(its not just what i say )
hey all of u i dont blam u because of the fact that u dont like him but u are not allowed to say these things and make a bad guy out of phillip in theother people’s minds .
AND A FACT THAT WE ALL KNOW IS THAT WE CANT JUDGE ABOUT SOMEONE’S PERSONALITY JUST BECAUSE OF WHAT HE OR SHE HAS TOLD IN A SONG!REMEMBER THAT ALMOST ALL OF THE SINGERS HAVE SONGS WITH BAD MEANINGS BUT ITS NOT A REASON TO SAY THEIR PERSONALITY IS BAD.ANYWAY LETS THINK WHAT U SAY IS TRUE(HOWEVER ITS NOT) AND THEN READ MY LAST 5 LINES AGAIN. U ARE DOING THAT..
negar recently posted..مسابقه – داوطلب ها

Phillip Phillips August 1, 2013 at 3:02 pm

Sounds like somebody wanted Jessica to win American Idol….

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