Joke-Off: Terrible Things To Write On A Birthday Cake

06/25/2013 · 25 comments

in Joke Off

I love getting birthday cakes for other people. I love getting the shitty shitty grocery store sheet cakes for them for a couple of incredible narcissistic reasons:

1) I fucking love grocery store sheet cake
2) I love trying to fuck with grocery store bakery workers

Just last year, I had a bakery worker write, “I Farted On This,” on a cookie cake for a friend’s birthday. The bakery worker thought I was a crazy person, but it was fantastic.

I’m sure there are a lot of ridiculous things that I haven’t thought of yet. Add your submissions to the comments below! We will vote tomorrow–winner announced on Friday!

Joke-Off: Terrible Things To Write On A Birthday Cake

  • Don’t light your tits on fire!
  • This is a vegan cake
  • We need to talk
  • You’re not as young as your above-the-head profile picture would have you seem
  • Maybe it’s time to turn to Christian Mingle
  • You can wish it or you could not be a lazy asshole and just go get it
  • We’re only here for this cake
  • You are alone
  • This is less fun than your cat’s birthday
  • Queef out the candles for an extra surprise!
  • We baked this with Plan B
  • Made with love by the mom you still live with by choice and not necessity
  • We all know
  • Your tiny dog sure is dressed fancy!
  • You’re too old to throw yourself a party
  • I would have preferred a Star Trek marathon to this party!
  • Everyone’s looking for a reason to leave
  • It couldn’t be worse than it is right now
  • Another reminder that you’re wasting everything you’ve been given
  • Disappointed
  • If we cared, it’d be an ice cream cake
  • Everyone at the office remembered because of the kiss-ass receptionist
  • Too much hope is the recipe for disaster
  • Once you turn 21 it’s all downhill
  • We got this cake to specifically make you look like a pedophile
  • Meh
  • It’s about time you got out of your house!
Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Nadine: My god if the comments here turn into “doctors are all quacks and this is why I only deal in holistic medicine and crystals” then I’m just going to light my computer on fire with a big wad of burning sage. 
Mandi June 25, 2013 at 10:22 pm

Pregnant and Divorced ~Sweet 16!

Find the pube!



Todd June 25, 2013 at 11:55 pm

One year closer to death! Have some cake!
Todd recently posted..Life is a Massive Sugar Overload/Brain-freeze combo

Todd June 25, 2013 at 11:59 pm

Chocolate, like in “The Help”! Just Kidding! Or are we?
Todd recently posted..Life is a Massive Sugar Overload/Brain-freeze combo

Todd June 26, 2013 at 12:00 am

You shouldn’t really eat this, because you’re starting to look like a fat zombie
Todd recently posted..Life is a Massive Sugar Overload/Brain-freeze combo

Bill G. June 26, 2013 at 12:42 am

Happy Farters’ Day!

Bill G. June 26, 2013 at 12:43 am

“I’d rather be fishing.”

“I’d rather be skiing.”

“I’d rather be screwing.”

Mayor Gia June 26, 2013 at 6:53 am

You Were a Mistake. Love, Mom and Dad
Try Not to Think about What We Did to Make You. Love, Mom and Dad.
So, Are You Thinking About Having Kids Soon?
This is Out of Obligation, Not Love.
Mayor Gia recently posted..I’m Considering Becoming Amish

Mark S June 26, 2013 at 7:42 am

We all thought you would have died from AIDS by now…

Tabitha Crow June 26, 2013 at 8:16 am

Guess Who’s Pregnant?!

Congrats Baby Daddy!
Tabitha Crow recently posted..Warm Bodies Need A Safe Haven, Not A Broken City, To Call Mama

Cheryl S. June 26, 2013 at 8:22 am

Aren’t you fucking dead yet?!?

We just want the inheritance.

Nobody likes you.

Roxie June 26, 2013 at 9:30 am

On your 34th birthday: “Happy 43rd Birthday!”

Roxie June 26, 2013 at 9:32 am

Zero craps given

Roxie June 26, 2013 at 9:38 am

Dropped on floor

Roxie June 26, 2013 at 9:38 am

Dropped on dog

Roxie June 26, 2013 at 9:40 am

We call it buttercream, but it’s lard.

Roxie June 26, 2013 at 9:46 am

Happy Burf Day

nadine June 26, 2013 at 10:07 am


Great, a birthday, another excuse for you to cheat on your diet, fatass.

Totally Not Poisoned at all. Seriously.

Why are we still doing this, you’re over 30, stop it.
nadine recently posted..Like Me! On Facebook!

Dana the Biped June 26, 2013 at 1:29 pm

Much Ado About Nothing

Calories per serving: 990

Fuck You Anyway
Dana the Biped recently posted..Watch This! Much Ado About Nothing

Larbs June 26, 2013 at 1:37 pm

You are one year closer to death. This is why we celebrate.

ColinP June 26, 2013 at 1:48 pm

Happy Annivorcery! We all hated that asshole you married…

It wasn’t herpes! But it is HPV, so you might want to get tested.

Don’t let the door hit you on the ass on your way out!

I fucked your husband at your wedding. Sorry.
ColinP recently posted..Requiescat in Pace Tony Scott (06/21/1944 – 08/19/2012)

Banana Stickers June 26, 2013 at 2:31 pm

“Happy Anniversary! So sorry about that one time I fucked your husband”
“Happy first day of your diet!”
“Another year since you destroyed my vagina and my hopes and dreams, kid. Here’s your fucking cake”
“I feel bad because no one will have sex with you, so here is this cake”
“I quit” (for your boss)

OMG this is fun, now I want to go make some cake.
Banana Stickers recently posted..I have a horrible case of the kittens.

Misty June 26, 2013 at 2:44 pm

- Everyone knows you are going to devour this whole thing with a pint of vodka chaser while crying tears of shame and loneliness.
– Fuck you.
– No seriously, FUCK YOU.
– Nobody will fuck you, might as well eat some more cake!
– The special ingredient is . . . Love!! (Self-love)
– That’s not really icing.
– You are my world! Just kidding, I’m fucking the neighbor.
Misty recently posted..Facing the Fear

Abby June 26, 2013 at 3:47 pm

Find the hidden toenail
Happy…no, this is actually an intervention and not a party
At least your tits are big
No one reads your blog
Abby recently posted..A Hidden, Hairy Agenda

Janene June 26, 2013 at 9:12 pm




Laura June 26, 2013 at 10:27 pm

To Dying Alone with your Cats!

Nice Boob Job

Baked with Love… And Rat Poison
Laura recently posted..If You Give a Koala Klondike Bar

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