I love getting birthday cakes for other people. I love getting the shitty shitty grocery store sheet cakes for them for a couple of incredible narcissistic reasons:
1) I fucking love grocery store sheet cake
2) I love trying to fuck with grocery store bakery workers
Just last year, I had a bakery worker write, “I Farted On This,” on a cookie cake for a friend’s birthday. The bakery worker thought I was a crazy person, but it was fantastic.
I’m sure there are a lot of ridiculous things that I haven’t thought of yet. Add your submissions to the comments below! We will vote tomorrow–winner announced on Friday!
Joke-Off: Terrible Things To Write On A Birthday Cake
- Don’t light your tits on fire!
- This is a vegan cake
- We need to talk
- You’re not as young as your above-the-head profile picture would have you seem
- Maybe it’s time to turn to Christian Mingle
- You can wish it or you could not be a lazy asshole and just go get it
- We’re only here for this cake
- You are alone
- This is less fun than your cat’s birthday
- Queef out the candles for an extra surprise!
- We baked this with Plan B
- Made with love by the mom you still live with by choice and not necessity
- We all know
- Your tiny dog sure is dressed fancy!
- You’re too old to throw yourself a party
- I would have preferred a Star Trek marathon to this party!
- Everyone’s looking for a reason to leave
- It couldn’t be worse than it is right now
- Another reminder that you’re wasting everything you’ve been given
- If we cared, it’d be an ice cream cake
- Everyone at the office remembered because of the kiss-ass receptionist
- Too much hope is the recipe for disaster
- Once you turn 21 it’s all downhill
- We got this cake to specifically make you look like a pedophile
- It’s about time you got out of your house!