Anyone who has ever worked more than 12 minutes in retail knows that returns are the great divider. You have one of only two people who return things.
1. People who return within the necessary limitations, or are at least so nice that you could give a shit less about rules.
People used to try to return wedding gowns to my store after they got married, because “what am I going to do with it now?” Custom-made, custom-fit and horribly sometimes jizz-stained dresses they brought in to return. Fucking asshats.
I’m sure there are some really ridiculous reasons to return products to stores. Submit your entries into the comments below.
Joke-Off: Terrible Reasons For Returning Products
- My dinks had too much shrink
- My bleach smells like bleach
- My pads took flight
- My hot dogs are too phallic
- My lettuce tastes like lettuce
- My makeup smells like a horse (to be fair, my foundation does for some reason)
- My tea bags aren’t balls
- My Nair boiled my skin off
- My otter pops sliced my face open
- My toilet paper make my butthole frown
- My Country Time Lemonade Mix is a poor substitute for Fun Dip
- My Summer’s Eve made my vagina smell like Autumn Afternoons
- My German Pledge Spray, Heil, makes me anti-semitic
- My Bra fits too well
- My Head N Shoulders doesn’t work on my Dick N Balls
- My electric toothbrush isn’t the vibrator I wanted it to be
- My Rolls are too rolly
- My ice cream sandwiches are having a love affair with George Bluth
- My asparagus tastes like it should, but it doesn’t make it better
- My Bacon Bits don’t take away the taste of the salad completely
- My Ice Cream hurts my feelings
- My Oxy-Clean reminds me of Billy Mays
- My Tostitos didn’t bring the party to me
- My guacamole is too heavy
- My Cheerios support equality
- My Sour-Patch Kids gave me herpes
- My Kashi is Kashi
- My Spanx Stank