Joke-Off: Terrible Reasons For Returning Products

06/05/2013 · 17 comments

in Joke Off

Anyone who has ever worked more than 12 minutes in retail knows that returns are the great divider. You have one of only two people who return things.

1. People who return within the necessary limitations, or are at least so nice that you could give a shit less about rules.
2. Assholes

People used to try to return wedding gowns to my store after they got married, because “what am I going to do with it now?” Custom-made, custom-fit and horribly sometimes jizz-stained dresses they brought in to return. Fucking asshats.

I’m sure there are some really ridiculous reasons to return products to stores. Submit your entries into the comments below.

Joke-Off: Terrible Reasons For Returning Products

  • My dinks had too much shrink
  • My bleach smells like bleach
  • My pads took flight
  • My hot dogs are too phallic
  • My lettuce tastes like lettuce
  • My makeup smells like a horse (to be fair, my foundation does for some reason)
  • My tea bags aren’t balls
  • My Nair boiled my skin off
  • My otter pops sliced my face open
  • My toilet paper make my butthole frown
  • My Country Time Lemonade Mix is a poor substitute for Fun Dip
  • My Summer’s Eve made my vagina smell like Autumn Afternoons
  • My German Pledge Spray, Heil, makes me anti-semitic
  • My Bra fits too well
  • My Head N Shoulders doesn’t work on my Dick N Balls
  • My electric toothbrush isn’t the vibrator I wanted it to be
  • My Rolls are too rolly
  • My ice cream sandwiches are having a love affair with George Bluth
  • My asparagus tastes like it should, but it doesn’t make it better
  • My Bacon Bits don’t take away the taste of the salad completely
  • My Ice Cream hurts my feelings
  • My Oxy-Clean reminds me of Billy Mays
  • My Tostitos didn’t bring the party to me
  • My guacamole is too heavy
  • My Cheerios support equality
  • My Sour-Patch Kids gave me herpes
  • My Kashi is Kashi
  • My Spanx Stank
Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Valerie: Pffft… Whatever, Phillip. Where the hell were you 20 minutes ago when I was hiding in my attic trying to masturbate where the kids can’t find me. My hand is sore and I think I spained my ankle climbing down the ladder. Real “team player” you are. 
Mayor Gia June 5, 2013 at 6:44 am

My axe spray only attracted raccoons.

My toaster gave me cancer

My microwave is mocking me

My watch only ticks and I want it to tock
Mayor Gia recently posted..I Blogged a Blog…

Josh H D June 5, 2013 at 8:34 am

I don’t know how to use it therefore it’s broken.

This ‘Quit Smoking’ DVD didn’t help me quit smoking.

My wife wanted a white one instead of this silver one, but now she wants a black one which you don’t have so now she wants the silver one I started with.

Roxie June 5, 2013 at 9:44 am

This tuna smells like cat food.

Roxie June 5, 2013 at 9:45 am

This water doesn’t have enough taste.

Roxie June 5, 2013 at 9:46 am

These noodles don’t make their own gravy.

Roxie June 5, 2013 at 9:46 am

This cayenne pepper is too spicy.

Roxie June 5, 2013 at 9:48 am

This bag of salad is too salady. (Heh heh! Peewee Herman laugh)

Roxie June 5, 2013 at 9:50 am

This avocado’s pit is too big. (George Burns from Oh God reference)

Alison June 5, 2013 at 10:41 am

My computer didn’t fix my stupidity.

These Snickers didn’t fix my bitchy wife.

This yogurt didn’t make me skinny.
Alison recently posted..There should have been more Darth Vaders

LisaR @ Who Stole My Baby? June 5, 2013 at 11:12 am

There’s no money in this banana stand.
LisaR @ Who Stole My Baby? recently posted..The Evolution of Psychosis: Road Trip Edition

nadine June 5, 2013 at 11:29 am

This iPad didn’t hold my heavy flow

Dana the Biped June 5, 2013 at 12:51 pm

This purse is defective. It won’t hold all my shit.

This Activia made me poop!

This cheese isn’t vegan.

This camera makes me look ugly.
Dana the Biped recently posted..Mr. Sandman, Bring Me a Dream. Not a Fucking Mess, You Asshole.

Anna June 5, 2013 at 1:18 pm

This French tickler gave me third degree lacerations on my cervix.

Banana Stickers June 5, 2013 at 2:05 pm

This extra virgin olive oil is judging me.

This tube of ground beef intimidates my husband.

I read this self-help book and I’m still awful.
Banana Stickers recently posted..Brain Sneezes and Thought Babies

Angela June 5, 2013 at 6:36 pm

This banana isn’t ergonomically sound for left-handed people.

Zei June 6, 2013 at 4:08 am


Liz Rosema June 6, 2013 at 1:24 pm

Its awkward when people stare at me while I eat these bananas.

This asparagus made my pee smell terrible.

Drinking this coffee results in my having to make a dash for the restroom to poo exactly 45 minutes after consuming it. It’s like clockwork, which is great sometimes…but not during office meetings. “I know that I am in the middle of this presentation but I’ve got to …right now…go…be right back.”
Liz Rosema recently posted..Playplaces- A flashback to my childhood.

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