Joke-Off: First-Draft Cosmo Headlines

06/18/2013 · 12 comments

in Joke Off

It has to be the easiest job in the world to work at Cosmo. It’s the same thing, every single month, dicks and lipstick dicks and lipstick dicks and lipstick and then you die. You would think that would be a smooth-sailing, no editing kind of job.

Here’s the thing though–there are editors at Cosmo. There are people who check over everything and approve it before it prints, which means that that what’s printed is a final draft. That’s kind of unbelievable to me that it wasn’t just slapped on the gloss before the staff went to get another Brazilian.

All this week, I’ve been entertaining myself with thoughts of what the first draft of Cosmo might look like. Add your submissions into the comments below. We’ll vote for a winner tomorrow!

Joke-Off: First-Draft Cosmo Headlines

  • No Need Brain
  • All You Need Is Tits
  • Don’t Think Just Show Your Pussy At Work
  • Here’s What Balls Are
  • Teeth Are Always Good On A Dick
  • Here’s Some Sex Stuff We Made Up
  • Is Jizz A Vegetable?
  • Can You Fuck That?
  • No You Can’t Fuck That
  • You’re Ugly And You Should Feel Bad
  • You’re Not Worth Much
  • Make Him Marry You Or You Will Die
  • Feminism Is Pretty Much Dead
  • Misandry: The Newest Thing You Should Know About
  • Shut Your Mouth And Get That Rock
  • Taylor Swift Knows How It’s Done
  • You Don’t Really Need A Career
  • Money And Dicks Are What Women Are Made Of
  • Are Your Tits Good Enough?
  • I Shoved Something Weird Up There
  • Is Your Clit Thin Enough?
  • You’re Not Pretty
  • You Don’t Have Enough Friends
  • Are Your Friends Cunts? Yes.
  • Trust No Woman, Only The Mighty Phalluses Of Marriage
Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Abby: I had the flu the day of graduation and passed out in the hallway before the ceremony, waking up in a pool of sweat with 200 classmates–half of them probably high–looking up my white dress. Got my diploma from the paramedic. BAM! That’s how I roll. 
Kathleen June 18, 2013 at 11:45 pm

A Whole Bunch of Clothes Your Fat Ass Will Never Fit Into

Sarah June 19, 2013 at 12:45 am

Affordable Spring Fashion! And by Affordable we mean for no one and by fashion we mean hooker clothes.

Mayor Gia June 19, 2013 at 6:42 am

Massage the balls. Always balls always.

The Answer to Everything is Balls

All Your Ball Are Belong to Us
Mayor Gia recently posted..Career Choices

Tabitha Crow June 19, 2013 at 7:50 am

10 Ways To Look Thinner/Bag That Guy You Want/Dump Your Douchey Boyfriend/Get A Sugar Daddy. (Oh, wait. This is what they *already* print)
Tabitha Crow recently posted..Warm Bodies Need A Safe Haven, Not A Broken City, To Call Mama

Abby June 19, 2013 at 8:26 am

10 Fun Ways To Please Your Man and Solve the Economic Crisis
Are Your Nipples Too Big? And Other Problems No One Else Notices
15 Ways to Make a Sex Swing out of a Thong
Abby recently posted..Why Write?

Kathleen June 19, 2013 at 9:26 am

How to capture a man and make him marry you because you cannot be complete without a man
Bite all the things!
Balls, balloon animals and YOU!
101 ways to drive your man wild with snausages!
6 surefire ways to leave most of his manhood in one piece
Dressing for success in the bedroom/boardroom (they’re the same thing really since you’ll be sleeping your way to the top anyway)

Misty June 19, 2013 at 10:42 am

You don’t have a husband yet? How to suck cock so you can get one.

Eyes down here, Mister. How to make sure he is focused on your most important assets.

You don’t need to climax, just make sure your man is satisfied.

Money CAN buy happiness! Boob enhancement to attract that rich old guy.

Learn to love the taste of cock.

Take it up the pooper for a lasting relationship.

Don’t overdo it! The art of faking it in bed.
Misty recently posted..The Journey to Gilda

Dana the Biped June 19, 2013 at 1:51 pm

We’re Judging You
Your Friends Are Judging You
You’re a Judgemental Bitch
How to Feel Superior Now!
10 Ways You Didn’t Realize You’re Terrible
Yes There Is Such A Thing As Nipple Hair
96 Ways To Spend Money You Don’t Have
MORE Sexist Drivel!
Dana the Biped recently posted..Why I’m Too Grateful to My Body to Diet

Jaclyn June 19, 2013 at 2:02 pm

Everyone Who Works At This Magazine is Skinny. You Should Be Too.

Why Every Single One of Your Bodily Functions is Humiliating if a Guy Knows You Have Them(also, you’re the only one with smelly farts. I bet it’s all that shitty food you eat, fat ass).

It’s Chlamydia, Cum-Dumpster!
Jaclyn recently posted..Near Death Experience

Valerie June 19, 2013 at 7:54 pm

How to get your dream job by tossing the salad

Real women Don’t ignore the taint!!!

How to airbrush yourself and look like a real live mannequin!!!


Valerie recently posted..The Magic of Punctilious Coitus… A Guest Post Brought to you by Pickleope

Angela June 20, 2013 at 6:51 pm

I know its too late, but I’m adding my two cents:

How Much Teeth Do You Like? A Professional’s Guide to the Proper “Blowie”.

PS. I would like to repeatedly slap whoever coined the word “blowie” for fellatio. Is blow job not enough of a euphemism? Must it be made into something cutesy sounding?

About Cosmetic Surgery July 28, 2013 at 6:50 am

Excellent factors entirely, you only won any emblem brand-new viewer. Just what can you suggest in relation to your own send that you just produced some days back? Any certain?

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