You Are Filled With The Devil’s Colors

05/13/2013 · 15 comments

in How Did My Life Come To This, Psychological Warfare, What Is Wrong With You?

Let it be known, Printer, that you have renewed my faith in Christ. If you exist, filled with the Devil’s colors and rage, then so must God.

I need you to print out 24 color photographs. I know that you said you could do it before when I fucking bought you for this purpose, but I can see that it’s just too much for you. Especially when that’s your entire purpose in life–that responsibility must be crushing.

You are a printer, and that is literally all you do. You do not write documents, you do not light things on fire (yet), and you do not make me tea. You only print, and yet you are refusing to do even this.

I spent $83 on only four ink cartridges for you today, knowing it would take all of them and a miracle and perhaps black magic to get all this done in one night. I faithfully removed the paper tray that you were built with because when you use it, you get frowny and shred up all my expensive-ass photo paper. I am, unbelievably, loading the sheets one by one…by hand…for an hour.

I just need 24 pages.

Yet, here we are. I didn’t know you could choose to cancel documents on your own. After I looped one sheet of paper through you 8 times, you sure as Hell did. You can and do arbitrarily choose to print some pages, and not others–both out of order and in more than one case, from a separate print job four weeks ago.

Sometimes, you pretend to print, but in reality you just make all the mind-erasing noises and then spit out a white sheet with a massive streak of brown across it. You’re literally shitting out what I need for tomorrow.

It’s been 3 hours now, and we are at an almighty impasse. I need this for tomorrow, and you know that, and now I’m crying on my couch and wondering what I did to deserve this. I would have done anything, literally anything if you will print these last 2 pages for me.

While you were finally clipping along at a decent pace of one sheet every five minutes when you ran out of color ink and didn’t let me know. You printed four sheets of monstrously distorted images. I replaced the color cartridge, and reprinted the rotted horrors you tried to pass off as color prints.

Then you had the gall to call me out for replacing your apparently holy ink with a used cartridge. Even though all your self-tests proved color-correct, you would not print my photos in anything other than a sepia tone.

I give up. This will have to do. Unintentional Old-Timey Photo is at least better than no photo.

I hate you, printer. I hate you so much.

My Hell is not filled with fire, nor brimstone, nor tearing of flesh or screams or lakes of horrific death. My Hell is nothing more than the need and yet inability to print something out.

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Alison May 13, 2013 at 8:41 am

Oh god, printers are the devil. This was really funny, but also hit too close to home. I work in IT ans support the only color printer available to students on campus, and that thing is pure EVIL.
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Stephanie May 13, 2013 at 4:51 pm

I, too, work in IT, and would rather troubleshoot ANY problem than work on a printer. Printer needs drivers updated? You’re better off just chucking it out and buying a new one.

LisaR @ Who Stole My Baby? May 13, 2013 at 8:46 am

My husband would totally agree with this. I can’t even tell you how many times he needed to print something out for grad school and couldn’t. It’s like it KNOWS when you’re the most vulnerable, and makes you pay dearly for actually needing something.
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Mayor Gia May 13, 2013 at 8:46 am

All printers are pieces of shit. I know I’m generalizing and all that, but that’s because it’s true. Call me racist, I don’t care. They’re all pieces of shit.
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Elizabeth May 13, 2013 at 8:48 am

When attempting to print pictures on a recalcitrant printer, sometimes I am pretty sure that developing film by hand has got to be faster. And cheaper.

The Oatmeal did a great comic on why printers are evil too–

asplenia May 13, 2013 at 8:58 am

THIS is for you:

PC Load Letter? WTF is that??!

Wupppy May 13, 2013 at 10:05 am

Maybe it’s a driver issue.

The driver must shift to reverse and run over the machine at least two additional times ….

I don’t mean to insult your driving skills in any way, driver trouble is a very common problem…

Kathleen May 13, 2013 at 10:28 am

Hahahahaaa! My photo printer was being such a little bitch about doing it’s job that the third time it blew through the fancy, expensive ink and RUINED my project, I decided all the warnings about how I could only use ink made from the tears of endangered species could suck my metaphorical DICK. I went on Amazon and got the cheapest, shittiest ink money could buy for my printer, and it hasn’t given me a moment’s trouble since. The print quality is waaaay better than the streaky shit I was getting before, and I can get 12 cartridges for $5. I win, printer, I WIN.

Valerie May 13, 2013 at 12:38 pm

You need to take that thing outback and put it down. Now. And quickly. Before it spreads its consciousness to other inanimate objects… Like my vibrator.


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nadine May 13, 2013 at 12:52 pm

Holy Fuckballs do I hate the printer/scanner at my job. I have to scan a lot of shit. I’ve accidentally broken pieces of this thing because I got so mad I started slamming it’s parts over and over after it repeatedly jammed for no FUCKING reason and refused to pull the paper through all the way.

Everytime It pisses me off, I call the support line and tell them to get someone out here to fix it before I go all berzerker on this sumbitch. I’ve even yelled at the support “for the love of christ, do not send the same tech you sent last time so help me Pan the Goat God.”
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Roxie May 14, 2013 at 9:07 am

You totally need to beat it with a baseball bat, like at the end of Office Space! :)

Misty May 14, 2013 at 12:07 pm

I don’t know WHAT you’re talking about, Noa! My printer has never been anything but wonderfully efficient and beautiful and possessing a glow to rival that of Michael Bolton’s head of gloriously glowing hair. Now, I demand that you take all of that back!

((Shhhh, she can hear you . . . just talk softly in calming tones and present it with the weekly offering of the blood of a virgin IT guy and everything will be just FINE)).
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Dana the Biped May 14, 2013 at 12:28 pm

Here is my solution to printing: I buy the cheapest, shittiest color printer at Walmart I can find. Then I put in the cheapest, shittiest ink cartridges money can buy. Then, when the motherfucker inevitably breaks three months later, I swing it around nunchuck style and bash it against the brick wall. It’s cheap, it’s easy, and it does wonders for my stress level.
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