This Rollercoaster Is Fart-Powered

05/20/2013 · 9 comments

in What Is Wrong With Me

Amusement parks are my goddamn jam.

I don’t fuck around with the little bitch rides. I go straight for the big dog badass roller coasters. I want to go so fast my skin melts off my bones. I want to go so vertical that for a moment I am technically an astronaut. I want to fear death at the hands of my 16-year-old ride attendant and his ability to check my shoulder straps.

Roller coasters are my bitch–I fear none.

Minus one.

There is a roller coaster in Denver, Colorado that I am convinced was designed by people who hate fun. On the surface, it looks like the most fun thing ever: a flying coaster, meaning you ride lying facedown and arms out to give you the illusion of flight.

All it gave me was the illusion that I was once a person who enjoyed life.

The first clue that something was going to be horrible was the inexplicable bar across your lower stomach. Platforms for torso, legs, but a fucking thick bar across your fart headquarters. It was uncomfortable, but hey, FUN IS ON THE WAY, RIGHT?

Nope. This lay-down bullshit fest also meant that you were face to face with the crotch of the person in front of you. Their fart headquarters is looking to zoom them straight out the b-hole and right into your screaming mouth. You know, like the worst horror movie you can imagine.

I wasn’t about to bitch out now. I convinced myself that I was a goddamn lady and I wasn’t gonna sky write with toots. I laid down, and immediately the back bar settled and pressed, driving away any hope I had about not zipping farts over Denver. The pressure was intense, but now I was strapped in–no bailing now.

We began our ascent up the hill, and the farting began. It was like hearing geese heading south, our pack of roller coaster victims and our chorus of assgas. I’ve never wished for the end of a coaster climb–that’s the build-up to the fun!–but the downslide couldn’t come fast enough. I prayed that the man in front of me was only foofin’ and hadn’t eaten the tacos that day, because I wasn’t up for forced scat/coaster porn.

Finally…finally…the hill was through, and down we went. Our bodies slid forward, which meant that the bar was now square on our bladders. All 12 riders clenched the hell up, praying to Jesus for strength. When we all thought we had finally contained the horrors we could produce, the unthinkable happened.

The man in front of me–the leader of our flying fart pack–puked. A brilliant neon streak flew below us, skirting way too close to our bellies. We flew over the remains of his gatorade and glow-stick lunch, screaming out of horror.

It was the worst experience I can actively remember. We rode the rest of the way screaming and crying and wondering what we had done to anger the God of Fun who had struck us down.

I only wish I had an out-of-body experience at that moment, so I could see 12 adults flying through the air and trying to not scream from fear so that no farts were swallowed, and then being forced to air-slip-n-slide over neon vomit.

Ever had a rough experience on a coaster or other ride?

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Von: I completely lost it at “cinnamon muff”. I’ll forever think of that every time I see a red-headed woman. 

{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }

Graie May 20, 2013 at 2:33 am

Oh lawwd, never have I ever experienced anything like the fart coaster, and the majority of my experiences with amusement park rides involved tears and foul language. However, once after going on some strange ride that basically just went up and then on the journey down threw you around sharp turns, we were walking by the tv thing where they show the pictures of everyone on the ride and upon hearing laughter, stopped to see what poor moron they were laughing at. It was me. This is the most unflattering photo of me on the planet and that includes the It’s-My-Birthday-let’s-do-shots-and-pose-like-assholes ones. One of my friends saw this gem, proceeded to laugh uncontrollably for a minute and a half and then looked at me seriously and said ‘You know you look retarded’. No shit Sherlock. Best part is that my mother and a cousin both have multiple copies of this, and should I ever go missing or be in some tragic accident, this picture will be the one released to the public. Awesome.

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Mayor Gia May 20, 2013 at 6:54 am

Hahahhahahahahahah this is reason number 239482739482 I don’t do rollercoasters. When the best case scenario is that you are the puker and not the puked on, well then fuck that noise.
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Alison May 20, 2013 at 12:01 pm

omg I almost shot spicy ramen broth out of my nose. That sounds like hell. I hope they had one of those in-ride cameras, I’d love to see the money shot on that one.
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Azrael May 20, 2013 at 1:52 pm

Obligatory: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Euthenasia_coaster

The last Roller Coaster one can ride. If it existed, I can already think of some folks who should take a ride on it. I’d totally ride that sucker out, if I was terminal. Can’t think of a better way to go. =)
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Misty May 20, 2013 at 3:04 pm

I thought I was going to die on a coaster once. I think it was Kings Dominion in Virginia. I may have blocked out some of the details. It was one of these indoor to start ones where the climb straight up is in sort of a vertical tunnel and then you come out of the tunnel up top and then plunge down outside. So, we get strapped in and take off very quickly and go up up up . . . and then start to plummet back down. And when I say BACK down, I mean backwards, as in the way we had just come and not how God and the builder of this coaster intended. I will say at this point that while waiting for our turn on this coaster, I noticed that these cars would work their way through the loading area VERY quickly, so it was one coaster after another within about 30 seconds.

So, there we are, in a dark tunnel, plummetting backwards, and I was just waiting for the moment that our cars crashed full speed into the next oncoming cars. It didn’t happen, luckily, but once we hit the bottom, they didn’t take us back to the start, but instead we sat at this point, in the dark, for probably about 3 days. It might have only been about 5 minutes, but I was freaking out and done, but couldn’t get off. Somehow, they figured out the problem and we rode the ride as it was intended, but it was not enjoyable. NO SIR.
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Mandi May 20, 2013 at 4:09 pm

I’m pretty awesome at riding roller coasters, so I can’t really complain about my experiences there. However, there was a water park ride from last summer that we went on where you and 3 of your closest acquaintances get in a 4 person tube. We stood in line for 45 minutes on molten hot sidewalk (because the little water hoses that keep the walkways wet didn’t extend to this particular slide before being stuffed into this ring of innertube disaster.

With no instructions or warning, two less than enthusiastic teenagers jump kicked our tube into a big black hole of a tunnel. When we hit the bottom, it jarred us so hard that my husband almost dislocated his shoulder and I was bounced out of the tube backwards, hitting my head against the slide and getting my foot caught in the tube so I was dragged along for about 50 feet before I realized that I was probably going to drown if I didn’t pick my lazy ass up. We hit the bottom of the slide just as I’d climbed back in, laying on my stomach, face practically buried in my friend’s snatch, where I was treated to a nose full of water, urine, and probably semen with a little chlorine. I walked around for the rest of the day with a headache, swollen sinuses, and what looked like angry sex bruises.

It was magical.
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Dana the Biped May 20, 2013 at 4:32 pm

I was seven. I didn’t want to go on the bumper boats–even at that age, I could recognize a death trap when I saw one. My sister beat, I mean, talked me into it. I cried for fifteen minutes in that horrorboat until the attendant even realized my boat had motherfucking started on fire.
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nadine May 21, 2013 at 7:31 am

I’m among the league of victims that have been injured at Action Park (now closed and replaced with Mountain Creek in New Jersey). Everyone got hurt at this park, which is why it got the nickname Traction Park. There was just so much wrong with it. I remember leaving the park with a horribly skinned knee/leg, and having someone jump on me from the free-jump thing in the pool. That consisted of this tall rock tower and then you jumped into the water below, where everyone was just lollygagging around. Super safe, right? Here, just swing onto this rope and jump into those people! This was a theme park with all the safety measures of the ol’ fishin’ hole.
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Valerie May 21, 2013 at 5:37 pm

I love roller coasters!! But I’m terrified of heights. So during the 30 second ascent I usually turn into the Exorcist. Head spinning and crusting off anyone who tries to tell me that “it’s gonna be alright.” It’s not gonna be… I’m gonna die. And OMG IS THAT MY CAR?! I need to go home and hide under my covers. Leaving the house was a bad ideaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa…….. WHOOHOOOOOOO! I LOVE ROLLER COASTERS!!

And that’s exactly how shit goes down every. Single. Ride.

Hugs!

Valerie
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