Joke-Off: Terrible Things To Shout In Crowded Spaces

05/15/2013 · 19 comments

in Joke Off

At my sister’s graduation last week, I was holding my sleeping niece and trying desperately to direct people away from the 11 seats saved for family next to me. When I dropped her burp cloth, someone dove in front of me and sat in the seats. Adrian reached over, tapped lightly on the man’s shoulder and said, “I’m so sorry, these are saved for family. My apologies.”

That motherfucker knew they were saved, considering our coats and bags were on them, the universal sign of THESE ARE FOR ME. We were there an hour early to get these seats. If he wanted ‘em, he shoulda been there.

The man kindly responded by shouting in my face, “I DIDN’T SEE A GODDAMN SIGN ON ‘EM,” and kicking my leg pretty hard on the way out. Considering I had a fucking baby in my arms, hadn’t yet showered, and was hungry and dangerously under-alched, I said under my breath, “They’re invisible to inconsiderate cunts.”

And of course, right as I said that, the din of the crowd mysteriously diminished to zero. A dirty woman holding a baby said cunt pretty loudly in a very nice theatre. Not my finest moment.

That said, I’m sure there are worse things to shout in a crowded space. Put your submissions in the comments below!

Joke-Off: Terrible Things To Shout In Crowded/Public Spaces

  • Cunt
  • EVERYONE GET DOWN and boogie!
  • I HAVE A BOMB in my pants I need a restroom immediately
  • The Westboro Baptist Church has a pretty good point
  • I hear herpes is airborne now
  • FIREd is what she’s going to be when I get into the office on Monday
  • I CAN’T FIND MY BABY’s bottle, it must have rolled away
  • Murder isn’t as bad as what people make it out to be
  • Donald Trump is a respectable person
  • I have a lot of illicit drugs
  • I have a lot of hundreds in my poorly-watched wallet
  • I don’t really care for Star Wars
  • Depends on how you define gang bang
  • I don’t really care for Fifty Shades Of Grey
  • Putting a toddler in a kennel isn’t so bad
  • I’ve pooped!
  • Cleanliness of needles is relative, really
  • I am looking for sex
  • I was really just waiting for Grandpa to die
  • Oozing is more of an accurate description
  • I don’t trust black people
  • It’s not racism, it’s just honesty
  • I farted a strange condom on Monday
  • I found semen!

Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Elizabeth: When attempting to print pictures on a recalcitrant printer, sometimes I am pretty sure that developing film by hand has got to be faster. And cheaper. The Oatmeal did a great comic on why printers are evil too–
Mayor Gia May 15, 2013 at 6:49 am

The doctor said it’s not contagious as long as everybody around me wears a face mask.
Uhhhh…how can you tell if you just sharted?
Mayor Gia recently posted..First World Work Problems

Cheryl S. May 15, 2013 at 7:56 am


My daughter has lice.

Tabitha Crow May 15, 2013 at 8:03 am

No body, no crime.

LisaR @ Who Stole My Baby? May 15, 2013 at 8:41 am

I think deep down Bin Laden was a pretty nice guy.
Bush was the best president EVER.
I work for the TSA.
LisaR @ Who Stole My Baby? recently posted..An Ode to Classic Video Games: A Poem for Little Nerds

Bellum May 15, 2013 at 9:40 am

Oh my god, that’s diarrhea! Everywhere!

Where is that blood coming from?

Grandma, stop grabbing my ass!

Roxie May 15, 2013 at 10:47 am

Masturbation just doesn’t feel as good, now that I’ve lost weight!

Roxie May 15, 2013 at 10:51 am

I thought my shit would be orange, but it’s green!

Roxie May 15, 2013 at 10:54 am

I call my peroid the Red Tide.

KK May 15, 2013 at 11:22 am

I punched myself in the balls while I was trying to stick my dick up my ass!

Dana the Biped May 15, 2013 at 12:27 pm

Help! I’m being double-fisted!
It was a typo, not an STD!
I call it the Weenie Hut.
SOMEBODY’S got to be the father!
Jesus Christ with a flyswatter!
Dana the Biped recently posted..Another Not-Real Post You’ll Still Really Want To Read

Anna May 15, 2013 at 1:06 pm

::::Wiping off face and lips::::
“That was the EASIEST ten bucks I ever made!!”

Misty May 15, 2013 at 2:08 pm

You know, Taylor Swift’s talents are really underappreciated.
Jodi Arias was framed.
I LOVE ANALyzing the underlying subtext of what people say to me.
Misty recently posted..Random Randomosity & Randomness

Alison May 15, 2013 at 2:33 pm

Oh I never wash my hands.


You don’t have enough medichlorians.

I should not have eaten that 3 bean chili, pee-yew!

Anybody seen my crackpipe?
Alison recently posted..Preparing for your first kiss…

Janene May 15, 2013 at 3:18 pm

… and I said, “Well, fine, you can put that in my box, then.”

No-one can make condom balloons like my guy can. Wait, what?

Allie May 15, 2013 at 3:44 pm

It’s not a golden shower if he pees in your mouth.

I thought “2 girls, 1 cup” was pretty tasteful.

How old until it’s not considered child porn?

Meth will definitely help you lose weight!

I’d vote for Rick Santorum in 2016.
Allie recently posted..As Long as Angelina Jolie Doesn’t Remove Her Lips, I Don’t Care.

ColinP May 15, 2013 at 3:55 pm

That smell is you?!?!?

Is it really considered rape if they have a ball gag in their mouth?

I think I lost my scabby bandage when I was making the egg salad, do you think anyone will notice?
ColinP recently posted..Requiescat in Pace Tony Scott (06/21/1944 – 08/19/2012)

Kathleen May 15, 2013 at 5:53 pm

I just think poor people aren’t trying hard enough.

Whew! I smell decomp! (begging the question: how do you know what the dead smell like????)

Well fuck me sideways!

I really hate children.

Dave in Sherman May 15, 2013 at 8:15 pm

Here is the issue, Mrs. Gavin. This being Texas and all, you should have just shot the cocksucker. At the very least, I would have stated that in a VERY loud slightly psycotic voice.
Dave in Sherman recently posted..Week #2

Laura May 15, 2013 at 11:26 pm

I think I just sharted.

I’m desperate, okay?

Oh god, your not proposing are you?

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