At my sister’s graduation last week, I was holding my sleeping niece and trying desperately to direct people away from the 11 seats saved for family next to me. When I dropped her burp cloth, someone dove in front of me and sat in the seats. Adrian reached over, tapped lightly on the man’s shoulder and said, “I’m so sorry, these are saved for family. My apologies.”
That motherfucker knew they were saved, considering our coats and bags were on them, the universal sign of THESE ARE FOR ME. We were there an hour early to get these seats. If he wanted ‘em, he shoulda been there.
The man kindly responded by shouting in my face, “I DIDN’T SEE A GODDAMN SIGN ON ‘EM,” and kicking my leg pretty hard on the way out. Considering I had a fucking baby in my arms, hadn’t yet showered, and was hungry and dangerously under-alched, I said under my breath, “They’re invisible to inconsiderate cunts.”
And of course, right as I said that, the din of the crowd mysteriously diminished to zero. A dirty woman holding a baby said cunt pretty loudly in a very nice theatre. Not my finest moment.
That said, I’m sure there are worse things to shout in a crowded space. Put your submissions in the comments below!
Joke-Off: Terrible Things To Shout In Crowded/Public Spaces
- EVERYONE GET DOWN and boogie!
- I HAVE A BOMB in my pants I need a restroom immediately
- The Westboro Baptist Church has a pretty good point
- I hear herpes is airborne now
- FIREd is what she’s going to be when I get into the office on Monday
- I CAN’T FIND MY BABY’s bottle, it must have rolled away
- Murder isn’t as bad as what people make it out to be
- Donald Trump is a respectable person
- I have a lot of illicit drugs
- I have a lot of hundreds in my poorly-watched wallet
- I don’t really care for Star Wars
- Depends on how you define gang bang
- I don’t really care for Fifty Shades Of Grey
- Putting a toddler in a kennel isn’t so bad
- I’ve pooped!
- Cleanliness of needles is relative, really
- I am looking for sex
- I was really just waiting for Grandpa to die
- Oozing is more of an accurate description
- I don’t trust black people
- It’s not racism, it’s just honesty
- I farted a strange condom on Monday
- I found semen!
Favorite Comment From The Last Post: From Elizabeth: When attempting to print pictures on a recalcitrant printer, sometimes I am pretty sure that developing film by hand has got to be faster. And cheaper. The Oatmeal did a great comic on why printers are evil too– http://theoatmeal.com/comics/printers