Joke-Off: Rejected Greeting Card Categories

05/01/2013 · 19 comments

in Joke Off

In CVS last week, I found a greeting card category that I thought was a joke.

To Mom, From The Cats.

It was not a joke. That was somewhat disheartening, but if that made it into the rotation, what did they reject? Put your submissions into the comments below, and we’ll vote for the winner tomorrow!

Joke-Off: Rejected Greeting Card Categories

  • Condolences on The Re-Death Of Your Zombie Spouse
  • It Doesn’t Get Too Much Better, Mean Girls Will Always Be There
  • Congratulations On Your Semi-Successful Liposuction
  • Condolences On Your Horrifically Unsuccessful Liposuction
  • Our Dearest Sympathies That You Finished All Of Battlestar Galactica In One Weekend
  • Just Because I Have Stacks on Stacks to Waste On Stamps
  • I Didn’t Really Forget I’m Just Being A Dick
  • Congratulations For Getting More Than $10 Back In Textbook Returns
  • Thanks For Not Wiping Your Dick On My Leg
  • Good Luck On Having A Child That’s Not A Huge Asshole
  • Condolences On Your Unbelievably Ugly Baby
  • We’re Sorry That Your House Smells Like That
  • Congratulations On Ignoring The Cat Vomit Again So Your Spouse Has To Clean It
  • Just Thinking About You-r Money Of Which I Need A Lot
  • To My Wife, Your Farts Are Unbelievably Disgusting
  • Condolences On Graduating With An Arts Degree
  • Condolences On Applying To Grad School
  • I Don’t Care Enough To Do More Than This
  • I’m Sorry I Read Your Internet History And Uncovered Your Horrific Fetish
  • I’m Sorry I Didn’t Stop When You Gave The Safeword
  • Congratulations On Not Settling Too Hard
  • We’re So Proud Of You And Here’s The Proof Right In A Card So Ignore My Frown And Disdain
  • You Didn’t Do A Great Job
  • To My Husband, I Want You To Stop Scratching Your Dick In The Living Room
  • It’s Curable With Penicillin
  • I Barely Care Enough For This
Favorite Comment From The Last Post:
From Kelly: Ok, so I very nearly got my ass kicked by a movie theater full of people…. I got dragged to see Passion of the Christ (should have known I’d find a way to get myself in trouble there). So Jesus is praying in the garden of Gethsemane (incredibly proud of myself for nailing the spelling of that FIRST TRY. Boo-to-the-yah) and it’s super super super quiet with him whisper-praying and there’s a snake slithering through the grass towards him…… and then BOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!! He stomps on it and it’s really loud and it startled me and I screamed “JESUS CHRIST!!!!!!!!!!!” and then proceeded to snort laugh for about 10 minutes. I thought I was going to be killed. 
Kristi May 1, 2013 at 1:24 am

My Condolences. You Are Too Stupid To Raise Your New Baby
Happy You Are Still Watching FRIENDS Anniversary!
Congrats On Getting Rid Your Annoying Roommate!
My Condolences On Being Accused Of Murdering Your Roommate
Kristi recently posted..Kids, Just Wait Until You Are 40

Mayor Gia May 1, 2013 at 6:47 am

My Condolences on the STD…at least its a curable one!
My Condolences on the STD…extra sorry it’s not curable.
Congratulations on learning how to use an excel sheet! Now you’ll definitely get hired!
Happy Intervention!
Mayor Gia recently posted..Boyfriend Versus HR

asplenia May 1, 2013 at 8:13 am

Oh Noa, you NEED to turn this into a book, do you cartoon at all? Freaking hilarious!!

Tabitha May 1, 2013 at 8:13 am

I’m (not) really sorry I stole your husband.
Thank you for stealing my husband.
This Card is a Miscellaneous Catch-All for any Sentiment that Hallmark Doesn’t Make.
You’re Welcome.

LisaR @ Who Stole My Baby? May 1, 2013 at 8:43 am

No One is Sorry You’re Leaving
Sorry We’re So Loud at Night, But You Know We’re Not Going to Stop
LisaR @ Who Stole My Baby? recently posted..Terrible Neighbors: Four Good Ways to Teach Them a Lesson

Alison May 1, 2013 at 9:32 am

Thank you for the thank you gift you gave us to thank you for the gift we gave you
Congratulations and Condolences on your “retirement” that everybody knows was actually a firing
You came out, and we’re too uncomfortable to talk about it, so here’s a card
Alison recently posted..Zolpidem gives you ZZZs (plus the occasional purple octopus)

nadine May 1, 2013 at 9:49 am

(actual card I sent with an edible arrangement)

Sorry about your dead dad and your dead dog.
nadine recently posted..Shit I Do to Annoy People

Bellum May 1, 2013 at 10:51 am

Congratulations on kicking your meth addiction before losing all your teeth!
Congratulations on picking up your meth addiction, you look so thin, and your house is so clean!

Bellum May 1, 2013 at 11:29 am

Thanks for shiving that bitch in prison that one time.

Amanda- The Southern Unbelle May 1, 2013 at 11:59 am

Condolences on another Mother’s Day spent cooking for your family
Amanda- The Southern Unbelle recently posted..Y and Z

Roxie May 1, 2013 at 12:11 pm

I’m sorry I crop-dusted you

Roxie May 1, 2013 at 12:12 pm

Thank you for not picking me out for a search

Roxie May 1, 2013 at 12:12 pm

I hope you figure out where that briuse came from

Misty May 1, 2013 at 2:13 pm

Congratulations on your aquittal!! I always KNEW you didn’t do it.

Sorry about that guilty finding. And no, I won’t wait for you.

Mazel Tov! Congrats on having sex with someone who isn’t your hand.

Happy Instagram Day!

There’s no real occassion . . . I just figured this empty gesture would make you more willing to sleep with me.

Thank you for believing me when I told you I had a headache last night.

Let’s be friends! It’s not you, it’s me. I need some space. I’m taking out a restraining order.
Misty recently posted..Cooking by Numbers

Kelly May 1, 2013 at 3:52 pm

I’m just so happy that I got “favorite comment from last post” that I can’t even think of anything else.

Day. Made.

It’s the little things… :-)

Like when I was devastated this morning when I couldn’t find my stripey purple socks… Gotta admit… Life can’t be too bad if that’s the worst part of my day.
Kelly recently posted..Sooo….. Umm…. Happy New Year and some junk….

Dana the Biped May 1, 2013 at 4:41 pm

Congratulations on getting the promotion I deserved!
You’re a little shit, but I don’t want to lose my visitation rights
Happy Conjugal Visit Day!
Sorry your basement flooded and everything smells like raw sewage!
Congrats from all of us on your decision to get botox! We’re smiling on your behalf!
Dana the Biped recently posted..All About the Ladies

ColinP May 1, 2013 at 9:33 pm

Congratulations! What is that 9 kids now? Damn that vag must be stretched out all to hell..

Genital Warts are a bummer, buy hey at least it isn’t Herpes!

When life hands you an unwanted pregnancy… There’s always a Plan B (Morning after pill included)

ColinP May 1, 2013 at 9:35 pm

To my darling child, I love you so much there aren’t enough words… However I do have to tell you that that man is not your father.
ColinP recently posted..Requiescat in Pace Tony Scott (06/21/1944 – 08/19/2012)

Kathleen May 1, 2013 at 9:49 pm

My condolences on your UTI.
Congratulations, you are NOT pregnant!
Smile! Somebody loves you! Somewhere! Probably…

Here’s a little cat to say
I hope I brighten up your day!

Here’s a little pussy to pet
But don’t take this one to the vet!

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